In so many ways love is the hardest thing of all to live with. You want so much for the person you love and any time things fall short you feel like you have let them down. Love fills every part of you and does not let go and no two are ever alike. It does not matter how many relationships you have had in the past or what they were like. The one you find yourself in now is not like any you have ever been in before.
I am not the person I was before and I do not act like the person I was before today. I will never get it all right all the time. Yet the funny thing about love is that you both want to and know it does not matter. Love allows you to go beyond that which you see to that which you feel and fear rides high in the saddle. Fear to hold and fear to lose both run wild most days and you have to learn to ride that wild horse and tame that fear.
Only the Divine knows why two people are brought together and it is their job to be the best they can be for the other. Only they know what that best is and it is rarely what we think it is. For myself the best my love can be for me is to be my love. The love of another is the one thing that I have missed for so long in life. It is that love that feeds my soul and frees me to dream and sore to heights I had never imagined possible. No greater gift could I ever receive and have received it in full measure. I can only hope that I am able to give to her that which she needs most from me in the same amount.
Keep the dream alive and you will remain alive.
Dale
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Friday, May 28, 2010
What is Love
It is hard to deal with love when it has been denied for so long. When you have someone that loves you there is always the fear in the background. Will this be really different from others in the past. How do you wxpress love to someone that loves you back when no one ever loved you back before. How do you not screw it up, it is hard scary stuff and something that I will need to face. Keep smiling and looking to the sky.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Head to Heart
Having been in relationships where I have been abused by my wife the hardest thing is to trust that you can find someone that will not repeat the past. It is not a matter of what they will do rather it is a point of what I will allow and how I have grown. If I change who I am and I choose not to allow the abusive relationships of the past to define me then things will change. The longest part of the journey of recovery from abuse is from the mind to the heart. So long as I remain in my mind I relive the past and the abuse of the past will continue. It will define me for as long as I choose to allow it to. It has now been five years since I was last in an abusive relationship.
I took a couple of years for me to make the journey from my head to my heart. In making that journey I learned a lot about myself and my role in the relationships of the past. I learned to let go of the pain and to stop allowing it to define me and to stop being a victim. For as long as I was a victim the abuse defined who I was and who I could be. The abuser still controlled who I was and who I would become. I grew tired of giving them that power over me and I came to understand that nothing I did or did not do would change who they were and how they chose to deal with things.
I could only change myself and how I chose to look at life and the people that I chose to allow close to me. In doing this I finally began to do something I never thought I could do again and that was to begin living. I slowly began to define who I was and I did not allow others to do that for me anymore. Finally I have been able to come to a point in which there is room for unconditional love for another. This is a huge change for me and the direction my life. For the very first time I am able to accept someone into my life and want only for their happiness. I can know the joy and happiness in the simple idea that I could bring happiness into another’s life. This is nothing short of a miracle and my hope for all others that are recovering from abuse that they will find the happiness and love that is out there for them.
I took a couple of years for me to make the journey from my head to my heart. In making that journey I learned a lot about myself and my role in the relationships of the past. I learned to let go of the pain and to stop allowing it to define me and to stop being a victim. For as long as I was a victim the abuse defined who I was and who I could be. The abuser still controlled who I was and who I would become. I grew tired of giving them that power over me and I came to understand that nothing I did or did not do would change who they were and how they chose to deal with things.
I could only change myself and how I chose to look at life and the people that I chose to allow close to me. In doing this I finally began to do something I never thought I could do again and that was to begin living. I slowly began to define who I was and I did not allow others to do that for me anymore. Finally I have been able to come to a point in which there is room for unconditional love for another. This is a huge change for me and the direction my life. For the very first time I am able to accept someone into my life and want only for their happiness. I can know the joy and happiness in the simple idea that I could bring happiness into another’s life. This is nothing short of a miracle and my hope for all others that are recovering from abuse that they will find the happiness and love that is out there for them.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Time for Healthy
One of the hardest thing to figure out after years of being abused is, what defines a healthy relationship. One of the things I have figured out is that I can now spot an unhealthy relationship and I have been able to avoid them. Finding a healthy one has proven to be more of a challenge. I know that I will never find someone that does not have issues, that is just impossible.
This is because everyone has issues, what does matter is how we choose to deal with them. Do we face them and work through them or do we run from them and take it out on the people in our lives. If someone is able to deal with their issues either by themselves or if they can ask for help, it is a good thing. It means that there is growth even when it is painful at times. Recently I celebrated 26 years of sobriety and recovery. It has been 26 years of dealing with my issues and learning to live with myself and love myself again.
A time of learning that abuse does not mean love and that I do not deserve to be abused by anyone. No one ever does deserve to be abused in any way shape or form. It is a challenge to go forward and look at the world and find the hope that a healthy relationship is out there for me. In the last few weeks I have finally opened myself up to the possibility of being able to have a happy, healthy and romantic relationship. For the first time in many years I am able to look at a wooman and not ask is she going to be the next one to abuse me.
That is growth and progress and I am excited about that becuase it means that I can look at having a real and healthy relationship without bringing any bagage with me. I am sure there will be moments when I will feel scared and that is ok and I am able to put it in God's hands and allow him to deal with it. Life is truly good and I feel truly blessed to have the life that I have. No matter what I have been through in the past, I am able to be a kind and compasionate person that genuenly cares about people and is willing to help all those in need. That was something that all those that abused me could never take from me and that is my victory.
This is because everyone has issues, what does matter is how we choose to deal with them. Do we face them and work through them or do we run from them and take it out on the people in our lives. If someone is able to deal with their issues either by themselves or if they can ask for help, it is a good thing. It means that there is growth even when it is painful at times. Recently I celebrated 26 years of sobriety and recovery. It has been 26 years of dealing with my issues and learning to live with myself and love myself again.
A time of learning that abuse does not mean love and that I do not deserve to be abused by anyone. No one ever does deserve to be abused in any way shape or form. It is a challenge to go forward and look at the world and find the hope that a healthy relationship is out there for me. In the last few weeks I have finally opened myself up to the possibility of being able to have a happy, healthy and romantic relationship. For the first time in many years I am able to look at a wooman and not ask is she going to be the next one to abuse me.
That is growth and progress and I am excited about that becuase it means that I can look at having a real and healthy relationship without bringing any bagage with me. I am sure there will be moments when I will feel scared and that is ok and I am able to put it in God's hands and allow him to deal with it. Life is truly good and I feel truly blessed to have the life that I have. No matter what I have been through in the past, I am able to be a kind and compasionate person that genuenly cares about people and is willing to help all those in need. That was something that all those that abused me could never take from me and that is my victory.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
A Reflection
Life has been good to me and I casn honestly say that I have no real complaints. Granted there are things that did not go the way I thought they would and that is just life and how it goes. I find that so long as I am making good choices for myself and my life, those around me benefit from them as well. Usually because I am happy and enjoying life and I spread that happiness to others the same way I spread my unhappiness when I am unhappy.
I am in another class and I am being challenged on many levels. It seems that there is a guy that likes to argue every point and that can be a real drag. I have come to a point in my life when I am not interested in fighting with amyone about anything. Fighting takes away from the things that have real meaning and value. So long as I take things one day at a time I will be ok and life will be good. Well I am off to another adventure of another day. Thank you God for all the blessings you have given me and for all that I have yet to receive.
Friday, April 25, 2008
True Friends
It is said that life is what we make it and I have found that to be very true. It is a reflection of the choices that we make no matter if those choices have been good or bad. Today my life is far better becuase the choice I am making are far better than I used to make. That is not to say that I do not wakeup with my head up my butt once in a while. I am by far much picker about the class of people that I allow into my life than I used to.
Today I only allow those in my life that respect me and their actions match what comes out of their mouth. I have no time for BS or drama in my life. I have all kinds of room for those that are caring and sensitive to their own needs and the needs of others. Today I choose to allow those individuals into my life that share my values and beliefs. They are true friends and they know who they are. They are people that I would and have stand and have stood by through good times and bad times. Not because I have to rather because I want to because they matter in the grand sccheme of things.
We are born into a family and let face we do not always like our families. We choose our frinds and we need to to choose wisely. The real friends are the ones that you never have to wonder if they will be there. They are also the ones that you do not take for granted. I am grateful for each and everyone of those that I choose to call friend. Life is good and getting better all the time and for me that is saying a lot. There are very few people that have stayed with me through all the rough times and can now enjoy the good times. They deserve to for they believed in me, even at times when I did not believe in myself. Thank you God for good friends and may their lives be blessed as much as they have blessed mine.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
