Expectations

We can at times place expectations in people for how they will treat you or deal with you. I have learned and at times painfully so that placing expectations on others and at time event myself can be very disappointing. When I live in the circle of expectations I can assured that I will get hurt. I can choose not to love in that circle of expectations and thereby prevent myself from getting hurt.

If I do not put people on a pedestal they cannot fall short of my view of them. I also understand that there is a difference between expectations and hopes. We all need hope to allow us to continue to move forward in life. The difference between the two is a simple one really. I can hope that someone will act a certain way or deal with something a certain way and I am not counting on them to do so. When I place expectations on someone I am counting on them to react a certain way and that allows me to feel very hurt when they do not act as I expect them to. Step out of the circle of expectations and begin to live again and grab a hand full of hope and move forward, leave the expectations and the hurt behind.

Depression

This is something that I do suffer from and recently and is the cause for my not posting. It is something that should be taken seriously and you should always seek the help of a trained professional. I find myself in the same position as many others. I make too much to get public assistance and too little to get my own health insurance. I had to battle through the darkness with the help of friends and family and my higher power that I choose to call God. While I do feel better now I am reminded about how hard it for us to deal with depression and the fact that it can come on when you least expect it. Depression is serious and this time I made it through it and I feel better for what I have been able to accomplish. I took care of myself and worked the plan that my therapist and I put together to help me because we both knew I was going to end up without insurance. We need to work with what we have been given and do all that we can and trust in God that it will get better and so long as we take care of ourselves we can accomplish many great things.

Doing the right Thing

Some times doing the right thing leaves us feeling uncomfortable and that is not because we are doing something wrong but rather because we are outside our comfort zone. It is never wrong to do the right thing and sometimes it can be hard and painful but the end result will be a better life for your family and for yourself as well. Keep doing the right thing and life will be good.

Taking Responsibility

We make choices each and every day, to do this or to do that. Some times our choices work out and sometimes they do not but they are none the less our choices. So it is our right to be responsible for the choices we make no matter what the outcome is. It is by far much easier to take credit for the choices we make when the outcome is good and blame others when it is not. That is not being honest with ourselves and we need to and owe to ourselves to be honest with ourselves. After all we are human and we need to allow ourselves to be human and that means we will make mistakes and than we can deal with the outcome of our mistakes and learn from them.

Imprisoned

I have found, that I am imprisoned by my own thoughts and fears and they are based on my experiences of the past. Even though it has been a couple of years since I left all the abusive relationships behind, the fears still creep in. I find that if I am expecting something I can handle it just fine and my fears do not take over. Though if something comes up that I am not expecting, my fears take over and I can find myself having a panic attack very quickly.

When these things happen that are very unsettling. This is because I normally consider myself to calm cool and collected. It is hard to see myself suddenly loose it, either by myself or in front of others. This seems to make it even worse and yet I know that as a whole I am stronger than I have ever been in my life. I hold onto the hope that someday these experiences will vanish but I am not at all sure that they will. So I move forward secure in the idea that I am getting better each and every day. I am strong and I am empowered by my own efforts to live a healthy life.

The Joy of the Season

The joy in the season comes from the giving of gifts to those we care deeply for. It also comes from the joy that our faith in a higher power bring into our life. The songs are filled with thoughts of peace on earth and being free from the abusive relationship brings peace to our heart and world.

We will have to deal with those that just don’t understand but in the end leaving the abusive relationship is the best gift we could possibly give ourselves. They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for. This is something that is definitely worth having, freedom from abuse. The gift we give our children and ourselves is one of peace, strength, faith, love and closure.

We will find that the dust will settle and many will come to understand and they will be by our side. Then there will be some that will never understand and that is ok. It is on them and not a reflection on you or anything you have done. Enjoy this holiday and all the others that will come in your life. They are meant to be enjoyed and not worried over, have fun and enjoy your peace on earth and in your home.

Nothing Wrong

When I got out of the abusive relationships I had been in I began to hear all the things people had been saying. They could not understand why I was in the relationships and that I was wrong to stay in it for as long as I did. Some even said I was wrong to get out of it. It hurt greatly to hear them say the things they were, after all these were supposed to be my friends.

They did not know what being in an abusive relationship was like or why I stayed. They did not understand that I stayed because I thought I could change things. That I believed if I loved them enough they would change. They did understand how trapped I felt and the incredible amount of fear I felt about what would happen to the kids if I left. Then being a man there was also the fear that no one would believe me that I was being abused. After all everyone knows men don’t get abused and that was the one fear that became reality. Very few people outside the closest people to me believed me, those closest to me believed because they had seen it for themselves. I did nothing wrong and neither have you.

Roadblocks

I have found over the years that I have constructed roadblocks along the way and never realized it. I put thing in my life that were there to help me and they kept me safe. What I did not realize was that as I grew as a person some of those things no longer helpful to me. I out grew what they could do for me and I had to move on to new things. Sometimes it was a person, place or thing that provided that sense of security for a moment in time.

We need to always be aware of our own growth and see what is going on around us. This will allow us to continue to grow by allowing us to remove the roadblocks that keep us from further growth. We weed our gardens to allow our flowers to grow and be all they can be. Removing the roadblock in our life allow us to continue to grow and be all we can be. You will be amazed at where you end up.

Time for Rest

There comes a point in everything that we do that we just need to shut down for a little bit. There is nothing wrong with that and it only means that you are tired. When you are leaving or you have recently left and abusive relationship it is something that is extremely draining both physically and emotionally. There is a significant release of stress and that also contributes to the amount of exhaustion you will feel. It is all good and it is also very normal.

In the process of freeing yourself from the abuser you will need to keep in mind that you do need to take care of yourself. There may even need to be people around you to remind you to take care of yourself. This is because while we are in an abusive relationship we forget to take care of ourselves and now it is something that we need to learn to do. So give yourself a break and get some rest. Everything you think you need to get done will be there when you are ready to go back to it. There is no shame or disgrace in relaxing and taking care of yourself.

The Good and the Bad

One of the things that I thought would happen after I left the abuser was that my life would get so much better. After all with all I had been through could it really get any worse and naturally the answer was, yes. The fact that things did get worse caused me to question my abilities and whether I had done the right thing or not.

Was it really her that caused so many of the problems I was experiencing or was she right and I was just that bad? The reality was that the truth lied some where in the middle and I would have to find that truth for myself. It was a dark journey of self doubt and self loathing and finally I would begin to see the light of day. I would have to learn to trust myself and that would not be easy. After all trusting myself is what got me into this problem in the first place.

At least that is what I told myself when I was beginning my journey of recovery from the abuse. The reality was once again different from my perception. The reality was that I knew I was getting into an abusive relationship and that it was a bad idea, I did not listen to myself and I wish I had. That has helped me to begin to trust my own judgement and at times it is still hard. You make a choice and you feel sure about how it will turn out and when it does not turn out that way you begin to doubt yourself, again. It does get better with time.

Battered Men

There are many that will tell you that men do not get abused. That is something that we tell ourselves to allow us to sleep well at night but it has little to do with reality. The reality is that men do get abused and I believe that they get abused in similar numbers as women do.

The difference is that men are less likely to report it to authorities when it does happen. Also when they do do the police file the report as a domestic assault or just as a simple assault? It makes a big difference as to how it is handled within the system. If a man accuses his wife or girlfriend of domestic assault and it is recorded as a simple assault it never hits the system and the abuse never happened.

Things have changed and men have been abused for years and now it is time that they get the same treatment that everyone else gets. It is not ok to say that it does not happen, that they deserved it or that it is not as bad. Abuse is abuse and there is no acceptable boundary for when it is ok. Domestic violence needs to come to an end, no one deserves to be abused.

Another Morning

Today I wake up and enjoy a cup of coffee and the silence that fills the house. I think about how blessed I am and how much I am enjoying life. Its moments like this that allows me to see how far my life has come from the abuse of the past. Life is very good and I know that it will only get better, all I need to do is take it one day at a time.

Freedom

This is something that we have wanted for so long and when we do finally get our freedom, we have no idea what to do with it. We can feel lost and very much overwhelmed by our new found freedom. This is something that is perfectly normal and to be expected. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling overwhelmed by all that is out there.

You have a chance to make real choices for yourself and that can be scary but have faith. Your ability to make good choices will prove itself in time. You are already off to a good start because you are reading this blog. That means you are either thinking of leaving an abusive relationship or you have left one already and you are building a new life for yourself.

All the feelings you have right now are normal and good to experience. You are alive and that is a good start to have and the rest is easy, it just takes a long time and a lot of work. You can do it, really you can. Just remember to give yourself the credit you deserve and a break once in a while you deserve it.

Thoughts

When we are in the abusive relationship we tend to think about what is going to happen next. Our thoughts are not positive by any means and we are always worried that the abuser is going to explode in the next moment. We do everything we can to keep the abuser from exploding on us or the rest of the family.

When we leave the abusive relationship we need to begin to change the way we think. The abuser is no longer the center of our universe, we are. That is something that at first can be terrifying at times. Yet it is something that we need to learn to do. We need to learn to think of positive things about ourselves. That is important because if we are not thinking positive about ourselves who will?

OH oh

When we step out of an abusive relationship we promise ourselves that it will never happen again. Yet it can and does happen to us over and over. Why? Because we live the life of a victim and attract people into our lives that are looking for a victim. So we keep attracting the same type of people that we left.

When we walk away from an abusive relationship we also need to walk away from the mentality that has brought us there in the first place. We are not victims and we do not deserve to be treated by anyone, including ourselves as victims. When we stop acting like a victim and stop looking at ourselves as victims we stop being a victim.

That opens the door to a whole new list of possibilities that we never thought possible. It does not mean it will be easy and in fact it will be very hard, at first. This is because we are going to be experiencing things we have never experienced before and we will not know how to handle it. It will come with time, just have faith in yourself and in God to be looking out for you as he always has.

Small Steps

We get in a hurry at times when we have small victories. We want to have more and more victories and we forget how hard we worked to get those small victories. No victory ever came easy and being able to achieve a good and lasting result will take time. This is certainly true when dealing with children and it also very easy to forget when they are having their attitudes.

They say things that cut to the core and hurt very much. Yet, we have to be able to find the strength to carry on and not let them see you cry. You have to deal with the pain they cause and still be able to move forward with what you need to do. This can be very challenging at times and I am also sure the results are worth the efforts.

Begin Anew

We begin each day anew and full of potential. We chose how our day is going to go and that is as much power as we could possibly ask for. If we choose to have a good day no matter what happens than nothing can change that.

If we faulter we can start again to have a good day. We have the power to start our day over as many times as we need to in order to have a good day. That is up to us and no one can take that away from us. We build one good hour on top of another and before you know it you had a good day, week, month and even year. They all just build on each other and with each good moment we build on it puts the painful past that much farther behind us.

Choices Made

When I was a child I was abused and that was the norm of the day, ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ was the mindset, then. When I grew up I was told that because I was abused I would be destined to abuse others. It was my destiny and there was nothing I could do about it.

I understood something that they apparently did not, that I have a choice in all of this. I do not have to be an abuser if I choose not to be one. I could look at the shortcoming of my family and live up to them or I could choose to use what they did as an example of what not to be.

I chose to use their actions as an example of what not to be and I am better for having made that choice. I also chose to be in the relationships that I was in because I thought I could save them from themselves. I could not save them, I could only save myself and I had to learn how to do that on my own.

Morning Calm

Since leveling all the abusive relationships behind I have come to enjoy one of life great pleasures, the morning calm. I take time for myself and relax. I allow myself to slide into the day and not dive headlong into it. I watch the kids stir and rise slowly. There is no tension and no anxiety and no fear.

Every morning is not like this by any means and I have learned to enjoy them for all they have to offer when they do happen. They are possible now only because the abusive people are gone and the rest can feel safe and are able to relax. Your day is coming, have faith and believe in yourself to do the right things to get you there.

The Simple Things

One of the things that I remember most about being in an abusive relationship was how much I missed out on. It seemed like all my efforts were focused on those that were abusing me and trying to get them to stop. Every moment of every day had the abuser at the center and I was trying to control the outcome.

Now my life is different and I am seeing just how much I have really missed because I am able to enjoy them now for the first time. The little things that you hear everyone else talking about and taking for granted. Things that others take for granted bring tears to my eyes. The first time my kids laughed out loud without being afraid of getting into trouble.

My kids playing and running around the house. The music being turned up too loud. Things that others take for granted or find annoying were pure joy for me. I find far more joy in the little things now than I ever thought possible.

More Holidays

Here comes Christmas and we have just left the abuser and we are worried there will be nothing under tree for the kids. Our self-esteem is so low that we could shovel the sidewalk with it. Time to be grateful for everything you have. Sounds crazy don’t it?

We are away from the abuser and both you and the kids are in a safe place. There are two things to be very grateful for. Trust and faith to take a few small steps and there will be gifts for the children. Trust and faith in the people that are keeping you safe right now. Gratitude for them being there to look out for you and to protect you from those that would harm you.

God, will provide you with all you need this day and every day. All you need to do is ask and it will be given. It may not be the way you want it but it will be the thing you need to get you to the next step in your journey. A journey to a better life that you and your children will be safe in.

It’s All Your Fault

I cannot count how many times I have been told it was all my fault. It did not matter what age I was, I seemed to have this innate ability to control everything and make it go wrong for someone. That was all they needed to beat me and they did that frequently. Yet, I have learned something that has shaped my life and it seems simple enough and yet takes a lifetime to learn and master.

The thing I have learned is that not only is not my fault, it never was my fault. In learning this little thing I found myself being freed from a lifetime of guilt that I carried for everything that had gone wrong my whole life. It also gave me the freedom to take figure out what I was responsible for and what I was not. That knowledge made things much easier to deal with and ultimately to live with.

Gaining Control

First off understand that control is nothing but an illusion. No one can control you and you cannot control anyone else. The reality is that the only control you have in anything, is you. You have control over what you think, how you feel and what you do.

Life has a way of giving us many challenges each and every day and they can be very hard to deal with. At times we feel like our lives are spiraling out of control and we feel completely helpless. Yet we forget all too quickly that we have no control over the events that go on around us. We cannot control someone else’s feelings. We cannot make someone else angry, sad or even happy.

We also have no control over how other react to the things that go on around them. We cannot make someone beat us and we cannot stop anyone from beating us. We have no control over what someone else does and we never did. We only thought we did. We thought that if we do this or say that than it will be all good and we will be safe. When we understand that we have no control it is the first step of taking back our life and taking back control of our lives.

My Responsibility

In life we have many things that happen in our lives. In the end the only things we are responsible for are our actions and reactions to the events around us. We are not responsible the way others react to what is happening or for what they choose to do.

Confused? If you do something, you are responsible for what you did. If someone else gets angry because of what you did, that is their problem and their responsibility. In short you have no responsibility for the abusers actions towards you or anyone else. They use you as an excuse to simply justify their actions because it means they do not have to be responsible for something they know deep down is completely wrong.

The hardest thing for you at this point in time it to stop taking responsibility for other peoples actions. We like to think that we have far more power than we really do. We have absolutely no control over how others choose to react to anything we say or do. People just say we do so they do not have to take personal responsibility for their actions.

Give yourself a credit for what you have done good or bad and accept it. Push the rest of it away because it does not matter. It only matters that you know what you are responsible for because in knowing that you take a step towards take your life back. You gain power in knowing what is yours and what is not yours to be responsible for. Take back the power and control in your life and don’t give it away.

One Day at a Time

Some days it is more like going one minute at a time is the only way you are going to make it through the day. That is ok because we need to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. It does not matter what the rest of the world thinks about what we are doing or how we look. What matters the most is how we feel about what we are doing and the reasons why we are doing them.

After we have left the abusive relationship we have nothing to steer by simply because keeping the abuser happy was our soul purpose in life. Now that has changed and we need to understand that we alone are in charge of the direction our life. We chose what we are going to do and when we are going to do it and why we are going to do it.

We will need to take baby steps at first in this process and that is normal and healthy. By going one day at a time we build confidence in our ability to make good choices. Choices that affect not only our lives but also the lives of our children if we have them. There are so many things that will to be done when after you leave the abuser. Some will need to be done quickly to protect you and your children and others can happen over time.

Taking things one day at a time is the only way you will keep from feeling overwhelmed and it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. Taking things one day at a time will mean giving up the fear of what will happen if you don’t get it all done right now. It will mean finding people that you can trust to help you get things done that you may not be able to do for yourself just yet. One step at a time and one day at a time and you will have a much better life to enjoy.

When Kids Give Up

The hardest thing to deal with during the recovery process is seeing your kids give up on themselves. You know that they have such great potential and they are unwilling to see it. So much of the time you want to just sit down and cry because they do not see themselves as deserving anything better then deserving a life of abuse. It does not matter if they are abusing themselves or others, the pain you feel is just as harsh.

There comes a point when you need to let go and allow them to figure it out for themselves. I have recently come to that point with my daughter. She does not see herself as being worthy of a good life and wants to self-destruct. I have tried for three years to get through to her and I finally had to let go. It was the hardest thing I have had to do but I know that if I did not I would not only loose her but myself as well.

In letting go I can heal and grow stronger. Than I will be able to be there for her when the time comes to pick up the pieces of her life and help her put it back together. Life will get better and I am sure she will be fine in time. Until then it hurts to watch her suffer like this.

Surviving the Holidays

It seems that so much of our time is just spent trying to survive the holidays instead of actually enjoying them. When we were with the abuser everything had to be just so or we knew that there would be a backlash that we would have to deal with. We tiptoed around them trying desperately not to disturb the waters, terrified of the results if we did.

Things are different now and I no longer have to tiptoe around anyone. I do what I can and let go of the rest. My goal now is to have a good day with the kids and relax and enjoy the holiday. We held onto the traditions that we really liked and let go of the other ones. The funny thing is that no one even noticed that some of the traditions were let go.

It took a couple of holidays to go by before we had things the way we wanted them to be. The key being the way we wanted them to be because there was no one telling us how it had to be. We decided for ourselves what we wanted and did not want and it did not matter what anyone else was doing. Others were doing what they wanted and that was fine for them and it did not mean that we had to do it to.

In the end we enjoyed ourselves and we were able to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Minor things come up as will happen when you have a house full of people. Nothing like the stuff we had to deal with when the abuser joined the holiday. There was peace on earth this holiday and that is good for me.

Happy Thanksgiving

Yesterday was a rough one as I received a couple of bad reviews that left me feeling very hurt and shattered. Yet, I did not give up and continued to move forward with the things that I needed to do. Not out of some misplaced idea of being superman but out of a fight against depression and a desire to not give upon myself. It has been over two years since I left my last abusive relationship and still struggle with myself at times.

I had gotten so used to being put down that even now when someone does and I am not expecting it, all the old tapes begin to play all over again. The hardest part is trying to explain it to those that do not understand because they have nothing to compare it to. I know that I have worked very hard to build a life for myself and for my family. It is a good life and I know that my kids still have their struggles with abuse. I still worry that they will get into an abusive relationship and I am powerless to do anything about it.

All I can do is leave it in God’s hands and be the best example I can be. Then real work is up to them and it always will be. I can only do so much to protect my kids and I wish I could do so much more. Yet I understand that unless they get hurt they will not understand that it can happen to them all over again. Then they will be more alert and hopefully more attentive their feelings and the people around them. Happy Thanksgiving all and may God bless you.

Positive Changes

The changes that happen in our lives when we leave the abuser and the abuse behind cannot help but be positive. Our Higher Power wants nothing but the best for us and we have but to accept it. The abuse we went through showed us that we can survive anything the world has to throw at us. It showed us that we are strong enough to survive and determined enough to thrive and that is a positive thing.

We cannot change what happened to us and we cannot change the person or the people that abused us in the past. We need to remember that it is in the past and it does not define our future unless we allow it to. If we choose to live in anger and bitterness than that will be our future. If we choose to live with a positive view of ourselves than we will have that as well.

We alone have the power to make our lives anything we want them to be. We can thrive and be all that we want to be, all we have to do is think a positive thought. We need to remember that we are strong and we do have the power to control our lives. We remember what happened only to prevent it from happening again. Though with the laws of attraction being what they are.

When we feel good about ourselves we can only attract people that feel good about us as well. When we believe that we deserve the best we will attract the best. When we believe that we deserve love we will get love. We have the power and all we have to do is use it.

What Happens to the Kids

The kids suffer the most from the damaging affects of an abusive household. They will more than likely get into abusive relationships. It does not matter if they end up being abused or being the abuser, they will continue the cycle of violence. This is because they do not know any different unless we show them different.

By and through our efforts to recover from the abuse we have suffered we begin to show our kids that they to can have a life free of abuse. This is something that will take a life time of work to accomplish and at times it may feel like you have lost the battle or even the war.

Keep the faith and continue to move forward. Remember that the abuse you have suffered in the past does not define who you are and what you are to become. That is something that is entirely up to you and only you. You are in control of your life and no one else. God has always wanted you to have an abundant life so have one and live one. Even when the kids seems to gravitate towards the abusive life you have left. Continue to live an abuse free lifestyle and that includes not allowing your kids to abuse you.

Making a Difference

As we go through each and every day we have in the back of our mind that we want to make a difference. We are never really sure what difference we will make in anything that we do but we do our best to make a difference any ways. The idea of leaving an abusive relationship and coming to terms with what that means for us is a huge thing.

We take a very large step towards making our world a better place. A place in which you can live without being afraid of your own shadow and a world where you matter. The ability to make large changes in our life and lifestyle is ours to do. While making make that big a change is very scary the alternative is also very scary.

The idea of taking control of your life is very scary, especially if you have been in an abusive relationship for some time now. You are used to someone else making all the choices for you and the idea that you can do that for yourself is terrifying. You can do it and in doing so you will make a difference not only in your life but the life of your children as well.

The difference you will make is to end a cycle of violence that may have been going on for 100’s of years. This means that you and your children have a chance to have a life free of violence and of healing. They have a chance to marry and raise a family without the violence that they grew up with. That is huge and as one family at a time begins to live a life without violence in it. The difference that we create becomes greater than we could ever imagine possible.

Technorati Profile

Peace and quiet

Peace and quiet is something that I have found to be a relative term. It all depends on what you are comparing it to. If the house is silent and all are in bed sleeping that that is peace and quiet compared to screaming kids and animals running around the house.

By contrast screaming kids and animals are peace and quiet when compared to the screaming ad yelling of the abusive spouse. That sounds strange that screaming kids would be considered calming. The reality is that it actually can be calming. If you look at it from the stand point that the kids feel safe enough to yell and scream and run around.

Everything is all in how you chose to look at it. I will happily give that after a day of yell and screaming kids your nerves will feel a bit frayed to say the least. Yet, the level of tension in the air will be significantly lower than it had been in the past.

When we feel frustrated with what is going on in our lives today. All we really need to do is to look at where we were just a short time before. Everything changes and when we work from a positive frame of mind the changes will also be positive. From day to day we may not be able to see the changes that happen yet they are happening. To see were you are headed all you need to do is see where you have been.


Technorati Profile

I am Loved

For the longest time this was something that I could not say let alone mean. I can remember for so long wondering what I had done to deserve this type of life. Many times I would find a spot in an alley to hide and just cry my eye out and beg God to end it all. I did not know that I was capable of surviving all that I would face growing up.

I found myself going to drugs and alcohol to help make the pain go away. After many years of using I came to the conclusion that it would not go away. I could not drink it away and I could not smoke it away, it was there and always would be there. It was a part of who I was and I would have to come to terms with that.

It took some twenty years of fighting with myself and with God to get to a point were I could find happiness. I am hoping that with the information that I am writing here it will not take you twenty years to find happiness. After finding it it took me another 4 years to be able to embrace it and know that I had finally left all the abuse behind.

All I ever wanted in life was to feel loved and I was willing to do anything just so people would love me. That even allowed me to devalue myself and allowed me to let people to abuse me because of they did than they loved me. It ha taken a long time to get past that idea and now that I have life is good and getting better all the time. It will for you as well.


Technorati Profile

Choices

I remember when I was with those that abused me there was something that I did not have, choices. All the choices I made were about self protection and are those really choices? Protect yourself from being hurt or killed or not, not much of a choice there. When I got out of the abusive situation I found myself flooded with choices and it was very overwhelming.

There was no clear cut thing like before and it was very scary. What if I made the wrong choice, what would happen then? This eventually got better as time went by and it became easier to make choices. What I needed to do was to learn to trust my own ability to not only make choices but good choices. That took time and I gained confidence in my ability with each choice I made. This is one thing along the way to a happy life. The happy life that you deserve to have. Technorati Profile

My Fault?

I remember growing up that it was always my fault I was abused. In school I asked questions of the nuns I should not have so they beat me. At home I was beaten if either I did something wrong or someone else did something wrong and they felt I should have been a better example. They told me when I was raped it was my fault because I was asking for it. The rapist told me, “if I had known you were a virgin I would have made it special for you”.

When I was abused by my wives I was told, “men don’t get abused”. The cops also asked, why I was afraid of my wife, I should be a man and put her in her place. At one time I took on all these things and many more to justify the abuse that others inflicted on me. I also used the same rationales to justify my own self-abuse through the use of drugs, alcohol and self-torture. To me abuse became love and people showed you they loved you by abusing you and that it was all my fault, I deserved all of it.

What I have learned in the years since I walked away from the abuse is that abuse does no mean love and that I did nothing to deserve what happened to me. The people that abused me did it for whatever reason they felt they needed to to justify it their own mind. At first I hated them for what they had done to me. Later I would come to a point in which I felt sorry for them and the life they felt they deserved. To think they believed they needed to beat people into loving and respecting them is really sad.

I have since learned over time to look at what did happen in the light of reality. I have learned to look at each situation that I can remember and look at my role in it. Then I take responsibility for my actions in what happened and let the rest go. I have no control over what others do or how they react to what I did. I have learned that there is no room in recovery for fault finding and there is plenty of room for taking responsibility for your actions.

Was what happened my fault, no. Was it their fault either, no. Things happened I deal with it and move on with my life. I build the life for myself and my family that I want. I look at the abuser as a really good example of what not to do in my life. So to the abuser, thanks for showing me what I do not want to be and how not to act and above all how not to treat other people. Technorati Profile

Court Case

The word court strikes fear deep in out minds and we want to run for the hills. We just know that nothing good will come out of it because for so very long nothing good did. It does offer us protection and support when we can get it and at times it fails miserably. The reality is that in the end the only thing that we can really do it to prepare the best we can and than turn it over to God.

He has a view of the big picture and ultimately what is in our best and greater good. Sometimes we cannot see the forest for the trees and that can leave us feeling very confused, scared and hurt. We have no control over what a judge or anyone else can do in that courtroom. Perhaps it would not be so scary if we did not think we had so much control over the rest of our lives.

The reality of course is that we do not have any control over our lives and what happens in them. The only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to the events that go on around us. We control our thoughts, actions and words beyond that we are pretty much powerless. We have already found that by dealing with the abusive person we have no control over how they react to things.

We can take any situation and turn it into something that is positive for us and for our families and that can be hard at times. We choose to see the positive or the negative in everything that happens in our life. When we choose to see the negative we only see how everything is against us and how we are about to get screwed over.

When we choose to see the positive we show that we have faith not only in ourselves but our higher power as well. When we choose to see the positive we choose to see the doors open for us and the opportunities coming our way to make our life better.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Kids and Abuse

Kids and abuse is never a good combination and yet it happens so much in today. Just last night I turned in someone for abusing their son and they were let go. They were let go because the rest of the family lied to protect the abuser from going to jail. I am sure that in their minds they were protecting themselves as well from the wrath of the abuser. Yet in reality the only thing they have managed to do is to insure that the cycle of abuse will continue on.

The cycle of abuse continues on in our children after we have left the abusive person behind. The kids have learned by example how to act in relationships. They are not responsible for what we have taught them in how we dealt with each other. I have found that abuse like alcoholism affects the entire family and everyone takes on their own role. When the abuser is gone just as when the alcoholic stops drinking and finds recovery, everything changes.

This means the lessons we have learned about how to deal with things have to change as well. We are no longer protecting ourselves from the abuser and we no longer have to live like we are. We need to unlearn the defenses that have become so ingrained. The end result is that for a period of time afterwards life will become a living hell of a different kind.

The kids and even we react to things the way we have all been programmed to. In response to the reaction that we are expecting to come and than it does not happen. The screaming and shouting go unanswered and we find ourselves confused. How do we now act when the thing we were reacting to is no longer there. That is something that is a life time of learning. One day at a time is the only way to deal with it and get through it. Everyone will grow and change at their own rate and everyone will be adjusting to everyone else adjusting to the abuser not being there. It will take time but it will happen, even if you wan to pull your hair out during the process.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

First Snow

With each new winter comes the day in which you have that first new snow. When you look at that first new snow everything looks so clean, fresh and brand new. What we don’t see is all the junk that is still there under all that nice bright snow. Much the same can be said for the new life we have when we leave the abusive person in our lives.

We have a clean, fresh new life to begin a new. Yet, beneath all that shinny new stuff is all that pain, hurt, resentment and anger about the way our life had been. We have to clear all that stuff out of the way or we will only set ourselves up to fail. Just as when we jump into the snow bang and forget there was a fireplug there. We will get hurt and the pain will be just as great.

We need to understand that no matter who the abuser was parent, husband, wife or significant other. We did nothing to deserve the abuse that we suffered at their hands. We should not feel guilty because we did not leave sooner than we did. No one has had to travel your road but you. That is not to say there are not a lot of people that have been abused because there have.

We made the choices we made because we made them and not because we were forced to. Does that sound wrong? We stayed at first because we thought we could make a difference, change them. Than we stayed because we were embarrassed to admit we were wrong. Then we were afraid to leave because of what would happen to our children or ourselves. The idea is that by taking responsibility for the choices we made, we take back control of our lives.

When we were in the abusive relationship we lost control of our lives and became victims. I have found that for me part of recovering from being abused was taking back my life. That meant taking responsibility for the choices I made. That did not remove responsibility for the abusers in my life for what they did, it only meant that I defined my role in it and that helped me regain my power. It help me to not be a victim any more and to become a survivor, which you have to become before you can be a thriver.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Just Another Day

The sun rises and the morning is cool. The house is quiet and all are at rest. It is just another day and it was only a few short years ago that that would have been a dream of what could be. It was not all that long ago that the days were filled with screaming and fighting. Things being thrown and threats being made.

While I still remember those days very well and I am sure that I will never forget. I look at what has happened to my life since I finally walked away from the abuse and started anew. Today I am living the life I could have only dreamed of. Today life is good and I believe that I am better because I went through what I did.

In looking back at all the hurt and the pain I can see just how strong I really was. I say I was strong because no matter what happened my spirit was not destroyed. There was a part of me that I protected from the abuse at all cost just like I protected my kids. That part that I protected ended up top be the seed of the new me, the me that would end up stronger and wiser then I could have ever imagined possible.

It is funny how we are always faced with the hardest things in life and yet we some how get through them and make it look easy. After having survived an abusive spouse you can stand strong in anything. You already know fear and stared it down and won. You already know intimidation and walked away. You fought and won the ultimate prize of all your freedom.

There is no challenge in life that can bring you to the point that an abuse spouse can. No one else could ever get away with what they did for so long. Now we rise victorious and celebrate a calm and quiet home. A home filled with the sounds of laughter and children’s toys. Enjoy your victory over the worst that could be thrown at you. Enjoy the peace of mind that comes with a calm house.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

A Brave New World

Back in the days of the great explorers they would set off into the unknown uncertain of what they would find when they got there. We I was in my abusive relationships the idea of getting out of them was very much like that.

I knew deep down that I needed to get out but the fear stopped me every time. The fear of what was out there. The fear of what would happen to me and more importantly what would have happened to my children if I left. I believed the county would take them from me and I would never see them again.

I believed she would come after me and cause me great harm. I believed all kinds of things that in the end when I did finally get out never happened. When the old sailors out they thought they might fall off the end of the world and that was a real big fear for them. They could not see past the horizon and they thought that was the end of the world.

Before I got out the boundaries seemed to be the end of the world and I would fall off if I left. I did leave and I found what they found a brave new world ready for me. I found everything I needed to build a new life, a happy life. Today things are good and getting better all the time. Face your horizon find your star and go for it and don’t look back. Your worst day in this brave new world will be better than you best day in you current world.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Lone Ranger

So much of the time I felt like the Lone Ranger because for the most part I was. I knew the experiences I had and I knew they were abuse by any definition. The hard part was listening to people tell me that it was not abuse because I was a man. If it had happened to a woman it would have been abuse and they would of be able to help.

This was and still is something that I find hard to understand. That those who spend so much their lives dedicated to fighting against domestic violence could do this. How could they look at me and say that just because I am a man I was not abused. I knew it went against everything they believe in.

We need to understand that abuse is just plain wrong. There is no reason why we should sit here and say it is ok for any group to be abused. Domestic abuse is not an issue that belongs to one group or another it belongs to everyone. It is a problem that we must all deal with and take a stance on. I have been one that is willing to take a stance and fight for the rights of all that have been abused.

We can leave, recover and move onto a healthy life. A life in which we find the happiness and the satisfaction we so richly deserve. We do not have to live in fear of being abused or live with the hate of the person that abused us. We can forgive those that hurt us because it frees us from our connection to them.

We do not forget what happened to us because it will keep it from happening again. It is about escaping the cycle of violence that has infected our lives and starting a new cycle, a cycle of happiness and yes even love. We have the right to be free of the pain we have known for far too long. We have a right to be ourselves and we must fight those that would profit from our pain for their own glowry.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Dealing with Abuse

When I was in the middle of the abuse my means of escaping it came down to drugs and alcohol. They were my source of self-medication and allowed me to forget even for a short time the hell I was living in. As a child my life consisted of being beaten at home and at school and of course there was no safe refuge with other family members either.

You see I filled the role of the family whipping boy. I was the oldest of all the kids and that meant I not only got beat for the things I did but for what the others did as well. No matter what I was in the wrong and I would be beat for it.

I still remember the wide red belt my uncle used to beat me, the horse whip my mother used and the paddling boards the nuns used. The places I could go for safety were slim to none and there was no one I could tell because no one could be trusted. Dealing with the abuse that I experienced as a child was never easy.

I talked about it openly but talking about it did not make it real for me. It was a way to push people away from me because they could not be trusted. It took seeing my kids being abused by their mother before I could begin dealing with the reality of what had happened to me.

When I was 10 I had already been abused for 5 years and turn to drugs, alcohol and self-abuse to try and find some kind of escape. No one saw what they were doing wrong and there was no escape for me. I only sank deeper into my own hell.

It has been two years now since I finally climbed out of my own personal hell. Life is great now and getting better all the time.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

The Holidays

The holidays are coming, rings a sense of fear into the hearts of almost anyone. It strikes terror into the hearts of others, especially those that have been victims of abuse. This is in part because the holidays are always filled with stress and can be very nerve racking under the best of conditions.

I always found that I was terrified of what would happen if thing were not just so. What was she going to do to me if the meal was not perfect or the house was not perfect. Would one of my family members make an issue about something she had done? By the time everyone would leave and the holiday would be over I would be ready to collapse from complete exhaustion.

That first set of holidays without the abuser in my home brought no relief. I was still in fear of reprisals and had an order for protection against her. I liked to put up decorations in the yard and could not do it because I was afraid she would steal them or destroy them. I still felt very much like a prisoner in my own home, unable to go holiday shopping because of I was afraid of running into her.

I sent the kids to their mothers for the holiday for their own safety. She was the first abusive wife but the kids were older now and had a safety plan incase something happened. Things were still too volatile here and I did not want them getting hurt if my current wife would come back and try something.

I stayed at home for the holidays and went no where. It was just my animals and myself and as much as I was alone, the funny thing was I did not feel alone. I ended up enjoying myself and feeling good about what had been going on. As much as I had been scared of reprisals I was still feeling very good about having walked away from the abuse.

I was doing something for myself and for my children, I was making our lives better. I realized in the silence that I had begun to heal from the damage that had been done. I still had a long way to go and I still did not realize that most people had not gone through what I had. It would be almost a year before that realization would come about.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

What to do?

We go through our days and think about what life is all about and what is our place in it. Why are we here and what am I doing with my life? There even time when we look back at the events of our own past ask, “What was I thinking when I…?”. Life is not about regrets for thing we could have done, should have done or would have done.

When you have children of your own, all you need to do is to look into their eyes and all those questions get answered. Well accept that one about, “What was I thinking when I…?”. We are here to teach our children to be the best people they can possibly be. We look around our world and wish girls had more freedom to explore every career.

We look at men and wish they were more sensitive and in touch with their feelings. The question is what are we doing about it? Are we giving our daughters toys that are traditionally boy toys or are we giving our sons toys that were traditionally girl toys? Or do just keep up the same old thing of wanting our daughters to be girly girls and our boys to act like a man?

When we raise our children we have a chance to instill in the next generation the qualities that we wanted in our generation. If we teach our children that girls cannot do this cause it is a man’s thing, we have betrayed our daughters. If we tell our sons that they must fight, be tough and hide their emotions we have betrayed them.

We condemn to live with the same sins we have had to live with and we have not moved anything forward. Reach changes comes in baby steps if it is to be meaningful change. We cannot expect to legislate what society views as normal, that is something that we teach our children.

If we teach our sons it’s ok to cook and our daughters it’s ok to work on cars, than we have made a change that matters. When I look back at what things and ideas of what was acceptable 20-30yrs ago. The things that we do today would not have flown in the least.

Our ideas and values have changed over the last 20-30 years. Men are now more sensitive than they were than and women are more masculine than they were. With it comes a change in mind sets that allow us to be us and not what others think we should be. Today you owe it to yourself to be true to who God made you to be. To be anything other than that is to live a lie.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

The Proving Grounds

Having been put down for so long and not having any sense of self worth the first steps in recovery were the hardest to take. The first steps being, deciding that I did not need to live this way. The idea that I deserved better was not even there yet. I just knew that the pain and the fear needed to end one way or another.

After the first abusive wife I tried to kill myself to end the pain and fortunately I was not successful in my efforts. Yet I did not learn enough from that abusive relationship or the next two after that. The fourth abusive relationship (3rd wife) as the straw that broke the camels back as it were. I had found my bottom and was ready to begin the long journey to a better life.

It was at that point that I entered the proving grounds. This is a shapeless expanse of time in which I begin to prove to myself that I am. Walking away from the abuse and the abuser is so hard and requires a great deal of strength and courage. Give yourself credit for having taken that step. Just reading on how to recover from the abuse in and of itself is a huge step.

We all have our points when we are ready to start a new and begin the building process. I never knew what life was like without being abused by someone. So it meant walking away from everything I knew and believed to be true and most importantly real.

Entering the proving grounds meant proving everything to myself. It did not matter what anyone said to me, I needed to prove to myself that what I was being told was real. The world I was leaving was so very different from the one I was entering that it seemed the rules of physics had changed.

I was entering a world in which I had no references to draw from. A world, in which abuse is not a way of life, a world in which love and kindness was what people strived for. A world where I had an opinion and people asked what I thought. The proving grounds proved that I was a real person and I really mattered. In the end, the only one I had anything to prove to was myself and I did.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Self Respect

What is self-respect any ways, it seems like everyone is always talking about it. For me self-respect is about taking care of you and loving yourself. It is feeling good about yourself and about what you are doing. What I also know is that it is something that was so foreign a concept for me when I was wrapped up in abuse.

My role in life it seemed was to always be the recipient of abuse by anyone that needed to dish out the abuse. When I was a child it was my mother and other relatives handing out the physical and emotional abuse and of course lets not forget the babysitter and the sexual abuse.

When I grew up I was raped by a gal I knew and there were two attempted gay rapes. Then I got to deal with three abusive wives. I thought that my life was about being abused and that was all there was to it. I even abused myself when there was no one there at the moment to do it, it was normal.

That is not self-respect by any measure under any circumstance what so ever. The first step towards self-respect was to recover from the drugs and alcohol that I used to escape the pain. The second thing I did to build my self-respect was to build a relationship with a God of my understanding.

That was very hard as I needed to get past the anger at him for putting me through all of the abuse. The third thing I needed to do was to remove the third abusive wife from the picture and anyone else in my life that was negative. From that point on I screamed from the highest peak that abuse is wrong and that men do get abused.

After two years of therapy and dealing with every aspect of the abuse that I endured I am finally feeling some sense of real self-respect. I have found a love in someone that understands what I have been through and has been supportive of my recovery. The final thing that I have to do for myself and my own self-respect is to not be silent.

I have recovered from the abuse and I am building a positive life for myself. I want to share with others how I did it so you can do it, too. You can do it. You can recover from the abuse you suffered and have a happy life filled with joy and happiness.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

I'm Free

Today I am free. Free to live my life and to enjoy it and all that fills it. Today the abuser has no control over me or my life. When I left the abuser and the abuse behind I started a new life and abuse has no place in it. I alone decide my fate as I grow stronger. I alone decide to find peace within myself and forgive myself.

With each day I heal a little more than the day before and I grow stronger than ever. Today my life is calm and peaceful because the abuser is no longer a part of my life. I do not have to live in fear of what they might do as I used to.

Today is a new day and the beginning of my new life, a life of freedom and I happily claim my new life. I do not allow myself to be controlled by anger towards the abuser. I know that what they did was wrong and nothing anyone says will ever make it right.

Today I know that if I live in anger towards them, they still are in control of my life and what I do. I need to focus on me and not them. I need to be building a life for myself and for the kids that I have. I do not need to be reliving what happened everyday and building a prison that I cannot escape, a prison that only the abuser can free me from.

In freeing myself from the prison of reliving the abuse I give myself permission to live. For the first time in my life it is ok to live for me and to do the things that I want to do. I do not need to seeks others approval or permission either. I claim my power and my freedom.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Our Children

As a parent our first instinct is to protect our children from all that can harm them. In my case I felt for a long time that I had failed them in that regard. I let their mother have them and they ended up being abused and it was very hard to live with. Then for a long time the very relationships I found myself getting into also became abusive. My kids learned what it was like to see both their parents get abused over time.

They learned without realizing it that abuse is a way of life and the many different ways to be abusive and controlling. My job now is to help them unlearn what they have learned by watching what has been happening. It is a hard thing to do because they do not understand what is going on. For so long all they saw was the hitting, hating and the put-downs. All the usual things we associate with abuse and now we announce that it is wrong to do what we allowed others to do.

It has been hard to teach my kids that abuse is wrong and I have had to deal with it every day. Slowly and at time painfully slowly they have learned that abuse is wrong. There are two things that we can do to help make it easier on them and us. One is to be consistent with what your saying and the actions you choose to back up what you are saying.

Two by the relationships with people that we bring around our children. If we choose to have healthy relationships they will see that just as much as they saw our unhealthy relationships. I am not suggesting running out and getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. What I am saying is that any relationship we have around the children, be it friends, family or a significant other needs to be a healthy one.

By healthy I mean one that demonstrates love, respect and consideration for others. Positive relationships that everyone benefits around. Not the one were we sit around complaining about the abusive person that is no longer there. If the abusive person was the child’s other parent than talking badly about around the child will hurt the child. They have been hurt enough already and we do not need to add to that trauma by venting around them.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Holidays

The holidays are quickly coming upon us and we have already faced Halloween. When I faced my first holidays without the abuser it was hard and I felt very alone. It was because in fact I was alone. I had revolving Holidays with the mother of my kids and the set of holidays that I was free of my abuser collided.

I was unsure what to expect or even how I was going to get through it. The abuser had managed to isolate me from everyone I had known. I had had fights with all my friends denying the abuse was happening as they said it was. Now, I was alone with only the company of my pets to keep me company.

With the kids gone the house fell quiet and a calm fell across the house. I was afraid that the abuser would come back and attack me and I was afraid that she would follow through with her threats against my kids. What I feared the most was the silence that fell upon my home as that was never a good sign. This time the silence brought no harm only calm.

I did not know how to handle it and that was the scariest part. I ended up getting a couple of movies and some frozen pizzas for my Christmas dinner. I spent Christmas with my dog and three cats and we relaxed for the first time in many months. For the first time I felt I could breath and begin to let go. I was not hiding and I was not afraid, either. Each holiday after that would get better but the first years holidays are always the hardest to get through. Morn the loss and than build new traditions that don’t revolve around the abuser.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Peace of Mind

The most wonderful thing we can experience in our day is peace of mind. Lord knows we have dealt with enough people giving us a piece of their mind. The peace of mind that I am speaking about comes from knowing that you did your best today. Once we leave the abusive relationship we need to leave the abuse behind. That can sometimes be very difficult, especially if it has not been all that long ago.

There was always someone there to tell us that we did not matter or that nothing we did was good enough. Now that we are not in the abusive relationship we need to change the way we think. It is all too easy for us to fall into trap of abusing ourselves because the abusive person is not there any longer. This is a trap that we can get out of by understanding that today is all that matters. By understanding that we can only accomplish so much in the limited amount of time we have in any given day.

We can give ourselves permission to not complete everything and still be ok with who we are. It is hard at first but it does get easier to do as we gain distance in time and sometimes space from the abuser. We do not have to be hard on ourselves and we can love ourselves for who we are. It does not matter what others think of us but it does matter what we think of ourselves.

This is something that will change each and every day because we heal a little bit more each day. That healing changes who we are and how we see ourselves. The first step to healing and to peace of mind is to know that it was not our fault we were abused. We did nothing to deserve the abuse we suffered each and every day. In time the peace of mind will come from know that you are a special person worthy of being loved for the wonderful person you are. Enjoy some peace of mind with the knowledge that as I have recovered from abuse so will you.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Chaos

That is a word that used to strike fear in my heart. Chaos meant not knowing what I was coming home to. Was I in trouble for something I did or did not do? It was always the luck of the draw and all I could do was hope and pray she would be in a good mood. In the three abusive marriages there were different ways of ating out. Some were emotionally abusive while others were physically abusive. The fear and the chaos was a constant in all of the marriages.

In one she cheated on me with everyone I knew and brought drugs into our house with our children present. In another she would go into screaming fits because some woman on TV was dressed in a 'slutty' manor. Yet another always threatened to have my kids taken from me if I did not do what she wanted me to do. There was always the fear of coming home and what I was going to walk into that evening.

Today there is still chaos in my life but it is a far different kind of chaos. It is potty training a puppy or picking up the toys the kids didn't. Today it is trying to schedule all the activities for a house full of people and trying to keep it all straight. Today it is trying to figure out what to make for dinner that does not include macaroni and cheese. Today chaos isa good thing and not something to fear.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Something Funny Happened

I spent most of my life being told that I would never amount to anything and that I was no good. It would be drilled into me day and night for years till I believed it and than I would spend the rest of my life trying to unlearn what I had been taught so long ago. I have been feeling good about the things I have been doing because I have been actually doing things that are making a positive difference in the lives of others.

These are the kinds of things that leave you feeling good at the end of the day. You know someone benefited from what you did and you may never know who they are or how they benefited, you just know they did. After all it seems to me that we all go through life wanting to leave this world a better place because we were here. Yet today someone case doubts on my abilities and I found myself flushed with feelings of self-doubt and fear.

I doubted my ability to do what I set out to do and fear that I would fail in what I was doing. It has been two years since the abuse finally came to an end in my life and I am still surprised everyday by how much and how quickly it can sneak in. The abuse started when I was 5 and did not finally come to an end until I was 43. A lifetime of being hurt and yet a lifetime to learn to not hurt others. They say that if you have been abused you are likely to abuse.

I am sure they have numbers that will prove that. They also have numbers that prove I was not abused because men don’t get abused. I know that from my own life I can say without a doubt that men get abused. If they don’t then what have I experienced during my life. Should I deny what happened to me simply to make someone else feel better about his or her numbers. No, because if I do I allow someone else to abuse me again by expecting me to deny the events of my life as some how being an illusion that lasted almost 40 years. Take care and God Bless.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Disappointment

Disappointment is something that most people have a hard time dealing with. Yet when you have gone through the abuse and come to the other side, disappointment seems all that much heavier. You feel like everyone is just waiting to launch on you when you fall short. Than when you do fall short it is so easy to feel that you let everyone down or just plain failed.

Minor set backs seem to become major deals because we are more sensitive to them. After all we have been called failures for so long that we internalize it and make it real. So each set back no matter how minor it seems to others is a major deal to us. There are no easy ways around this and it is something that I have been dealing with for so very long. It is something that has been a major source of frustration for me.

A lot of the time I feel very confident about what I am doing and my place in the world. Yet when a seemingly minor set back occurs it becomes larger than life and suddenly I’m back being scolded by the people that abused me. I am not sure if that will ever go away or if it will at least diminish with time. I can only turn it over to God when does happen and turn to my support system to have my spirits raised. Than I am ready to take on the world again and hopefully I will be stronger the next time.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Perceptions

Perceptions are something that is very interesting and often times very bizarre. People think they know what abuse looks like and what abuse is. They try to pigeon whole the abusers and the abused and that to be honest is for their own comfort. That is because if they can put us into a neat little box it will be easier for them to deal with us.

They believe that men do not get abused at all or if we do that either we deserved it or that it is not that bad. Abuse is abuse and it does not matter whether the victim is a male or female young or old. Abuse is simply wrong and should not be acceptable for any reason by anyone, period. We try desperately every day to get a grip on abuse and the role that it played in out lives and most days it is very hard to do.

What is certain is that it was someone else controlling us by his or her actions and words that caused fear within us at the deepest levels. It does not matter what size the abuser or the abused are what does matter is the degree of fear that we come to live with. The fear that imprisons us within our homes and our minds. The fear that keeps us from having a life that was meant for us, one of happiness and joy.

Fear is the abusers weapon of choice to control us at every turn. We do not call someone out of fear. We do not wear something out of fear. We do not say something out of fear. Just because the abuser is gone does not mean that that fear will also be gone. That fear will continue to have a tight grip on us for as long as we allow it to. And while it may sound easy to say, ‘let go of the fear’ it will be the hardest thing you will every do. When you do you begin to see things that you never saw before, within yourself and in others.

So long as we hold onto the fear that has trapped us for so long the stereotypes about abuse will be true and we are justified in our beliefs. When the fear begins to leave us we can see with new eyes things we could never see before. We can see the abuse in others no matter what the gender of the abuser. We can begin to see the good and the strength that exists within ourselves. When we can finally begin to see the good that exits within us we begin the long road to healing and the long walk away from the fog of abuse that has clouded our vision for far too long.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Colors

It seems that no matter what we do and think our lives are colored by the events of the past. We know what happened to us and yet it seems so much of the time to be nothing more than an old black and white movie. Sometimes it is an old silent movie at that. The visions that haunt us are old, cold and meaningless or at least that is what we keep telling ourselves when they keep us awake at night.

When we take the time to color the images and hear the sounds of the past for what they are we can begin to hear in the present. We can see ourselves as the vulnerable child or adult that was hurt so much. We can see what we did and take ownership of our actions and understand that we did what we could do at that time. The important thing for us is the ability to forgive ourselves for the events of the past.

In being able to forgive ourselves and learn from the visions of the past, we add color to them. The color brings them to life and makes them real because the reality is that the events of the past are real. The reality is that we can learn from the events of the past. In learning from the past we can help prevent the events of the future from turning into th events of the past.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Dealing

There is two things that are for sure in all this abuse recovery stuff. You will recover and you will be dealing with it for the rest of your life. It is one thing to leave the abusive relationship and the funny thing is that it will always find ways to sneak back into your life, especially if there are children involved.

The abuser will find ways to manipulate you or the kids in an attempt to make your life a living hell. You can find all kinds of creative ways to hide from them but the best thing to do is to deal with it. That will mean getting professional psychological help for yourself and your children if you have children. The times when the abuser starts up their games is when things are going well for you or your kids.

The abuser needs to believe that you cannot make it or amount to anything without them. The fact that you are making it and you are doing well will just make them mad. They will try to take the focus off of what you or your children are doing and bring it onto them. That way it become a conversation about them and the problems they are having and not about the promotion, or the A+ your kid got on a test.

This is the day to day type of things that the survivor of an abusive relationship has to deal with. The important thing is that you deal with it. The fact that you’re not in the same house any longer does make this much easier. You can hang up the phone. You can say something like, “there someone at the door I’ll talk to you later’. Then let go of what they did just then and simply go about the rest of the day. Celebrate the good news with people in your life that do care and support you and what you are doing.

The key comes from letting go of the anger and the pain that resurfaces every time they play the old game. If you do not have kids together than you have no reason to have contact with the abuser and should not be calling them in the first place. If you have kids than you will be dealing with the abuser the rest of your life. How you choose to do that is up to you. My recommendation is to let go of what they do and go about your life. Both you and your children will benefit from that and the abuser will no longer ne the center of your life.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Building Blocks

When we were young boys, chances are someone gave us a set of building blocks. Little did we know that what we were being given was a lesson on life. That simple lesson is that everything we do and experiance is abuilding block of our lives. It is up to us now as it was then, what we choose to build with those blocks.

I believe that something good comes out of everything no matter how bad or painful it feels at the time. My mother would beat me with anything she could get her hands on, painful certainly. What I have learned from it was that, I did not want to do that to my children. It took a lot of effort to learn new behaviors but I was able to do it.

I still get made or angry when my kids go against the rules. Yet, I have chosen to rely on other methods of dealing with my kids that did not include violence. I have had to learn to be the parent that I wish I had had. It is a lot of hard work and it is something that will never end. The reason is because our parents did a stellar job of teaching us what bad parents were.

They do not become the excuse we use to repeat what they did but rather the reason why we do things differently.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Choices

In life we are faced with many choices and few will have the impact on our lives as when someone decides to become abusive. It seems so natural for someone to go from being abused to being the abuser. They say that if you are abused as a child you will be more likely to abuse. That may be true not because you are a prisioner to your past but rather because it just feels normal.

The fact is that we do have a choice to make along the way and it can be the hardest choice we will ever make. The choice is do we continue on with what has been our past? Do we look at those that have abused us as a lesson in what we do not want to be and decide to do things differently? Do we believe that we cannot change what we will be and become as powerless and we think we are?

The harder the choice is the more important it is that we actually make it. This choice, 'to abuse or not to abuse' is not a once in a life time choice that we make. Rather it is one that we have to make on a daily basis until it becomes second nature. Our lives and the lives of those we love depend on the choice we make each day. To become abuse because we were abused by another is no reason to become abusive. In fact there is no acceptable reason to become abusive.

As men we are just as likely to be abused and I believe more likely to be abused. I say this because we see examples of men being abused everyday in all forms of media and no one gives it a second thought. No one sees it as being abusive, they see it as being a normal part of life. Most will react saying, 'he must have done something to deserve that'. It has been acceptable to abuse men because they deserve it. We do not deserve to be abused and in fact no one does for any reason. As men we need to have our voices heard and our pain seen for what it is. Abusing a boy does not make him tougher it just hurts.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Stepping up

It is funny that no matter how far you are from the abuser and how much time has past, if they can get a dig in they will. I have children with my first abusive wife and she never really did do anything with her life. For the most part she is right were she was all those years ago.

Though it seems that every time something goes well for my children or myself she feels the need to step in and stir up the waters. What has changed is the amount of time she is allowed to do that and how I have chosen to react to it. The abuser feels a need to have control over their victim. If she can get me angry, hurt or scared she accomplishes all she wants and needs to.

If she cannot get to me I can be assured that she will go upset the kids and turn their lives upside down. Or she will go after the special person in my life. All in attempt to hurt me and to control my reactions to the events of the day. To get me wrapped up in her stuff and to get me to forget about the good that is happening in my life. Today I do not allow her to have her victories and I celebrate the good things that are happening in my life. The special people, the kids and my career. Today I choose not to give the abuser control over my life and my feelings.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com

Stories of Hope

Being a man has always carried certain protections in life. Yet it was no protection from some of the nightmares I have faced over the years. It did not protect me from being molested as a child. It did not protect me from being raped or abused by the women in my life. It did not protect me from the drug addiction and self abuse that would dominate my life for many years.

Being a man meant that I would not be allowed to face the trauma that I was living. Being a man meant living in the shadows of all those that could get help because they were the right gender. I have no anger towards women in any way, shape or form. What I feel is sad for the ones that have to hold onto their pain as if it were a sheild to protect them. There is no protection from the pain and the shame you feel being a victim of rape, abuse and addiction.

I have begun developing a program to help men recover from abuse and I have had some luck with it so far. It is not about taking anything away from women that have been abused but bonding with them and working with them to bring an end to abuse in general. If we allow ourselves to continue to believe that being a man protects you or us from beign abused we will continue to be abused.

If women allow themselves to continue to believe that men cannot be abused than they will only fool themselves and allow abuse to continue. There should be no safe place for abuse to thrive and no group that is allowed to be abused. I have made it out of the trap of abuse and addiction and will share my story with everyone that wants to hear it. In hopes that no matter who you are you will find hope for a life after the abuse has ended. It has been a lot of hard work to get to this point but it has been very much worth all the work.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com