Since I have left my last abusive relationship I have found that I have learned something. Recently I had been involved with someone that has a control streak a mile wide. I was concerned that I was getting into something that was going to become abusive and shut it down. That was a good feeling. I was able to do this by feeling good about myself and seeing the things in my life that were positive. Now they are moving out in part because they were unable to isolate me and knock me down.

Someone that is abusive will isolate you and destroy you self esteem and if you are paying attention you can see it happening. I did and was able to stop it and protect myself. I am still unsure if I want to be in another relationship because I do not want to be on guard all the time. I am tired of looking over my shoulder wondering will she be abusive like the others, only in a different way. Yet I find that I miss the intimacy that we need as humans. I have a great deal of friends and I live a public life so I am never alone, yet there are times when I feel very alone and that is very hard.

To know that people from my past have taken from me my ability to truly trust another person in an intimate relationship.

Stand tall for freedom from abuse

In my experience when you begin to get stronger and stand up for yourself it will get harder in the abusive relationship. They will try to knock you back down and you will need to be determined that enough is enough. In time they will back off and find someone else to abuse because they simply do not want to put that much effort into it. They want someone that will be easy to control and if they have to work at it they won’t stick around. Your safety should always be your first concern and the actions you take will always be reflective of your situation.

It may not be safe for you to stand up while still under the same roof as the abuser. Once you have been able to get out of the same house as the abuser you really do need to stand your ground. This is not only for you but also for your kids if you have them. They will use guilt and all kinds of threats to get you to give in and come back, resist and it will be better for you in the end. Build a support system of people that have survived and are now thriving in their own life. Avoid those that make hate and anger their passion in life for they are no better than those that did the abuse.

We all want to put what happened behind us and get in with our lives. The reality is that it is always going to be with us and it has changed us forever. What we have experienced can never be undone and we shall have that to carry with us forever. The fear, shame and the guilt will always be there and it is in how we choose to deal with it that will ultimately make the difference in our lives. We need to be able to walk away from the anger with others an ourselves and focus on what makes us good people in the first place.

Today is a peaceful day and yet I know that when it comes time to come home my anxiety levels will rise as they usually do. It is caused by a fear of what I will walk into when I get home. Will I be attacked for something I did not do or say but they remember clearly that I did or said? Will I be attacked because they know what I am thinking and they know it is nothing good about them? Will I be attacked for what they are sure that I am feeling? This is just more of the same abuse that we deal with and the impact it has on our lives both while in a relationship with an abuser and long after.

I have concerns about getting into another relationship because of those very same fears because so many of the relationships I have had have ended up like that. It is a scary place to be because like everyone else I want that intimate contact and yet I find myself terrified that I will once again find myself being afraid to come home at night. I should never have to fear coming home because home should be a safe place to go to get away from all the craziness of the rest of the world. To be able to come home and not be afraid is by far the best thing that could happen and I know that it will happen. My roommate will be moving soon and I will be able to feel at peace about coming home and not have to fear how she will react to my coming home any longer. Soon I will no longer have to worry about what she says I said, or what she clearly remembers never saying. I will not have to deal with telling me that it is all in my mind and that it never happened. Soon sanity will return to my home and I will be able to heal once again but the damage is done and I do not know what will happen after she is gone. I don’t know if I have it in me to have another relationship or if I am willing to take the chance of finding someone only to find out they are needy and abusive.

Abuse - The Blame Game

The blame game is an old friend that comes up now and again. The abuser lays out the laundry list of everything that is your fault. You did this so now their life is in ruins and it is all, your fault. They forget that they are responsible for their own actions and also their lack of actions. It is just easier for them to blame you. We need to keep in mind this little tidbit as we recover from being abused.

We are only responsible for the things we did or did not do. We can never take responsibility for the actions of another because when we do we let them off the hook. They do not have to be responsible for their actions because they can count on you to do it for them. That is just simply wrong and it is something that is also very hard to do once you get started. Like anything else we do it will have to come one day at a time and with small steps. The idea is that we grow a little each and every day and that we continue to make progress. Recovery is a lifetime of work that can only be done one day at a time.

Emotional Abuse in relationships

In the everyday world of domestic violence the form that goes the least noticed is that of emotional abuse. This is simply because the wounds go to the core of ones being and are never visible to the outside world. The only ones that can tell that emotional abuse has taken place are those that are the closest to the victim. They are also among the first to separated from the victim by the abuser as a means of gaining control.

This has happened to me on several occasions in my past relationships ad it is the hardest thing to deal with. You have no idea that it is happening until you suddenly find yourself in way over your head and unsure as to which way to turn. There is also the profound lack of self-esteem that comes with it and the idea develops that you deserve to be treated the way you are. No one ever deserves to be treated like dirt or put down till you have nothing left of yourself.

You owe it to yourself to stand your ground and do the things that allow you to feel good about yourself. This is because the abuser will separate you from anything that allows you to feel good about you so that your whole sense of self worth comes from them. The thing is that the stronger you are and the more you do to keep your self-esteem strong, the harder the abuser has to work to get control and keep it. Eventually they will give up and leave your life, it is the only way I can think of to get out of this type of abusive relationship.

They will in the end find someone else to victimize that they feel will be easier pickings. Remember those animal shows and we watch the predator go for the weakest and the sickest one in the heard. The abuser is no different from any other predator, they look for the weakest and wear them down till they can move in for the kill. What is left is someone that has no self-esteem and cannot function without the abuser in their life, or at least that is what they have been conditioned to believe. The remarkable part comes after the abuser is gone and you begin to realize that life does go on. You can actually begin rebuilding your life and becoming the person you were meant to be.

I want to believe that the stronger I am and the stronger my self-esteem is the less likely it will be that I will fall into another abusive relationship. The problem is that I am afraid that it will not make a difference in the end and that I will still end up in another abusive relationship, only they will do it differently.