Time for Healthy

One of the hardest thing to figure out after years of being abused is, what defines a healthy relationship. One of the things I have figured out is that I can now spot an unhealthy relationship and I have been able to avoid them. Finding a healthy one has proven to be more of a challenge. I know that I will never find someone that does not have issues, that is just impossible.

This is because everyone has issues, what does matter is how we choose to deal with them. Do we face them and work through them or do we run from them and take it out on the people in our lives. If someone is able to deal with their issues either by themselves or if they can ask for help, it is a good thing. It means that there is growth even when it is painful at times. Recently I celebrated 26 years of sobriety and recovery. It has been 26 years of dealing with my issues and learning to live with myself and love myself again.

A time of learning that abuse does not mean love and that I do not deserve to be abused by anyone. No one ever does deserve to be abused in any way shape or form. It is a challenge to go forward and look at the world and find the hope that a healthy relationship is out there for me. In the last few weeks I have finally opened myself up to the possibility of being able to have a happy, healthy and romantic relationship. For the first time in many years I am able to look at a wooman and not ask is she going to be the next one to abuse me.

That is growth and progress and I am excited about that becuase it means that I can look at having a real and healthy relationship without bringing any bagage with me. I am sure there will be moments when I will feel scared and that is ok and I am able to put it in God's hands and allow him to deal with it. Life is truly good and I feel truly blessed to have the life that I have. No matter what I have been through in the past, I am able to be a kind and compasionate person that genuenly cares about people and is willing to help all those in need. That was something that all those that abused me could never take from me and that is my victory.

A Reflection

Life has been good to me and I casn honestly say that I have no real complaints. Granted there are things that did not go the way I thought they would and that is just life and how it goes. I find that so long as I am making good choices for myself and my life, those around me benefit from them as well. Usually because I am happy and enjoying life and I spread that happiness to others the same way I spread my unhappiness when I am unhappy.

I am in another class and I am being challenged on many levels. It seems that there is a guy that likes to argue every point and that can be a real drag. I have come to a point in my life when I am not interested in fighting with amyone about anything. Fighting takes away from the things that have real meaning and value. So long as I take things one day at a time I will be ok and life will be good. Well I am off to another adventure of another day. Thank you God for all the blessings you have given me and for all that I have yet to receive.

True Friends

It is said that life is what we make it and I have found that to be very true. It is a reflection of the choices that we make no matter if those choices have been good or bad. Today my life is far better becuase the choice I am making are far better than I used to make. That is not to say that I do not wakeup with my head up my butt once in a while. I am by far much picker about the class of people that I allow into my life than I used to.

Today I only allow those in my life that respect me and their actions match what comes out of their mouth. I have no time for BS or drama in my life. I have all kinds of room for those that are caring and sensitive to their own needs and the needs of others. Today I choose to allow those individuals into my life that share my values and beliefs. They are true friends and they know who they are. They are people that I would and have stand and have stood by through good times and bad times. Not because I have to rather because I want to because they matter in the grand sccheme of things.

We are born into a family and let face we do not always like our families. We choose our frinds and we need to to choose wisely. The real friends are the ones that you never have to wonder if they will be there. They are also the ones that you do not take for granted. I am grateful for each and everyone of those that I choose to call friend. Life is good and getting better all the time and for me that is saying a lot. There are very few people that have stayed with me through all the rough times and can now enjoy the good times. They deserve to for they believed in me, even at times when I did not believe in myself. Thank you God for good friends and may their lives be blessed as much as they have blessed mine.

Life is Good

Better Days Ahead

Life is something that is very interesting to watch and getting involved in aint so bad either. When we leave ourselves open to the miracles that happen every day to those other peole that happen to us as well. Lord knows, forcing solutions never works and only cause more hurt and frustration than you can ever imagine possible. Yet to relax and find the rythm of the universe sets you free to join the flow of all that is good.

In that flow you find happiness and contentment along the way. I am not sure how to tell anyone how to get there. It is like telling someone how to 'let go and let God'. I could never figure out how to tell someone how to do that either. I just know that with enough prayer and meditation it just happens and than you find yourself in the flow and everything good you deserve comes to you. Life is truely a wonderful experience to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest.

Once the abuse stops and we have gained distance from the people that did the abusing we ahve to take the next step. That step was thwe hardest one of all for me, even harder than not getting into abusive relationships and that was to stop abusing myself. I have been told that in the absence of the abuser the abuse victim will abuse themselves. I think that is because I did not know any better and I associated abuse with love. It took time for that idea to change and a lot of hard work on my end. It was and is very much worth the effort to stop abusing myself and learn to love myself and see what happens. So far so good. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Happy Days

I longer I find myself outside of abusive relationships the happier I am. This is not just about not being abused it is also about the choices I am making and the positive things that are coming into my life. When I work on my relationship with my Higher Power and making it stronger my life get better. When I am working on my life and attracting positive things into my life through positive thoughts and actions, my life gets better.

It seems that every day get better and yet I know that the moment I allow another abusive person into my life it will all be gone. I have to keep the focus on my Higher Power and the positive life changes that are happening to me. These things are important and form the foundation for a better life for me and for the people that I care about. So many things have been going well and I feel so very blessed with each and every day. Life is because I choose to make it a good life. I have finally come to the realization that abuse is not love by any means.

Self Acceptance

I want people to accept me for who I am and the question is do I accept myself for who I am. I like to think that I do as I am sure that most people do think they accept themselves. I believe that for the most part I do accept myself and I know that today I certainly accept myself far more than I have ever done before. It is a mark of personal growth to be able to look in the mirror and know that you like the person looking back at you and dare I say love them as well.

I have come to a point in my life when I no longer feel the need to prove myself or justify my actions to anyone. I am me and I am free to live my life, the life I have chosen to live. It has been a long time coming and I have earned that right and I am not going to be apologetic about it in the least. I am having a lot of fun right now working on little projects around the house and getting things fixed that have been waiting far too long. One step at a time and it will all get finished and of course there is the danger that I will tear it all out and start all over because I have changed my mind.

This is the benefit of having left all the abusive relationships behind me and while at this moment I am not involved with anyone I am enjoying my relationship with myself. It is something that I have never done before. I always felt that I needed to be with someone or I was unloved and unwanted, destined to be alone the rest of my life. That lead me to many unhealthy and abusive relationships that not only hurt me, it hurt the people that I cared about most, my kids.

Today I can find myself getting to know myself and accept who I am and I am enjoying this time of my life. I have already spent the last 20 yrs justifying and defending my actions and I am sure there will be people that will still question the way I raised my kids and that is their problem and not mine. The things I do now are things that I find relaxing, recharging and bring me happiness and I feel good about what I am doing. I have plenty of free time and I am getting things done that I have been meaning to get done. I still need to work on balancing my projects and free time so they flow better and everything gets covered. It is getting there and I have time to work on it. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Domestic Violence and the Web

In recent times a new venue has come about for committing acts of domestic violence and that new venue is the Internet. The laws that protect us from those that would abuse us are worthless when it comes to the Internet. I have seen many people being attacked relentlessly by their abusers and while all are in agreement that it is sick and that the intent is to be abusive, there is nothing that they can do about it.

This must bring great comfort to the abuser as they move forward each day destroying the live of the people they target. Like cowards hiding behind trees or in the shadows they hide behind the "Freedom of Speach" clause of the Constitution. A recent Supreme Court ruling has upheld the right of racist groups to have websites dedicated to their message of hate as a protected form of free speach.

I do not believe that the justices in their great wisdom nor our founding fathers ever intended to include acts of domestic violence as protected free speach. This is a fight that I am now taking up and only God knows where it will take me and what challenges that i will face because of it. It is something that I decided yesterday and since than I have already been contacted by someone that committed suicide because of this. They were relentlessly attack for a prolonged period of time and was isolated because of it.

No one could help her because the laws allowed it to happen. All they could do for her was to tell her, 'you don't have to look at it'. Finally in death she has the peace that she wanted in life and no one could give her. Her abuser won because what they were doing was completely legal and protected. Any action by her would have resulted in charges being brought against her and she would have lost.

Blogs and the many websites out there are meant to inform and provide entertainment. We should not allow the web to become a 'safe zone' for those that would abuse others. If we allow that to continue than the more they know the more we will become victims of their abuse. There will be no way to stop they and all the 'Orders for Protection', no contacts orders, harassment or restraining orders will all be meaningless. Those that are currently victims of abuse will remain victims as there will be no place to hide and they can be haunted and attacked no matter where in the world they go to hide. Someone will find the blog dedicated to destroying them and believe what is said and turn on the victim and isolate them.

Our laws as they are written give the abuser complete and total control over the lives of their victims. This cannot be allowed to continue and has to stop for the sake of all those that have been victims of domestic violence.

Divine Order

I firmly believe that everything happens when it should, in its own time and place. I know that I can get myself into a great deal of trouble when I try to force solutions and out comes. Life just does not work that way and it never did, I just did not know that at the time. I have been enjoying life in ways I had not before and that is something new for me.

There have been a lot of positive things going on in my life at the moment and at times it is just as overwhelming as when the bad things are going on. I simply keep in the back of my mind that I can only do one thing at a time and I am sure that I will get through it all just fine. Divine Order is described as events happening in God's time and not my time. Divine Order is events happening when the timing is right and as the say in comedies, timing is everything.

My Higher Power is able to see around corners and beyond the horizon to what will be and what will not be. Simply because i want something now does not mean that the timing is right for it to happen now or that it is the right thing for me. I have learned that by trusting God and Divine Order I often times get things that are far better than I had ever imagined possible because at the time my ability to imagine positive things was limited. I am sure that even today my ability to imagine the positive things coming into my life is limited by my own fears and doubts. It is getting better and I do feel loved every day, thank you God. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Choices

Each and every day we are given a choices that need to be made. I like to think that I make the best choices I can at the time. I may feel differently an hour later, a day later or a year later. The thing is that i made a choice and I have to live with the results of the choices I make. I do not regret the choices that I have made, I do regret the way others have chosen to react to choices I have made. It makes it very hard when someone reads into the choices their fears and beliefs when those things were never on your mind to start with. I have to always keep in mind that I am only responsible for my actions and not others reactions. Have a great day all and God bless.

Reflections

It has been almost four years now since I left the last truly abusive relationship I was in. And while and the impact that they things have been bumpy from time to time and things happened that I did not understand, my life is much better. I look back to those days now and wonder who that person was and how I could have allowed myself to get into those types of relationships. It has also been almost a year and a half since I last dated anyone more than once.

I know that even though I have grown and changed in many ways I am still marked by what had happened and I always will be. The scares will always be there and I will always have to deal with them and the impact they will have on my life. To say that it has made me gun shy about being in a relationship is an understatement and yet it is something that I am looking forward being able to do. I have spent the last four years working on myself and working on healing and I am making progress.

I can look out and see the sunshinning and enjoy the sounds of the birds singing again. Life seems to slowly becoming something that reflects normal (whatever that is). I am looking at things I used to do and starting to get back into them again. Some of them things I have not done in almost twenty years. So much is changing and it is great and I thought this moment would never come and yet here it is. Thank God. Thank you God for all that you have done for me and for all the blessings in my life. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Immigrants

Today as in so many other days I hear people talking about immigrants and how they are destroying this great country. The thing is that I want to sit down and cry when I hear them talk like that. My grandparents escaped Warsaw just as the Nazi's were invading Poland and barely made it out alive. My mother was the first one born in this country in my family and I was the first grandchild born in this country.

I have heard all this talk before and than it was aimed at us and our culture. There were all the Polish jokes and the insults that came with each day. People looking down on you becuase you were not yet one of them. It was as if you have to be in this country for so long before you could be considered part of it. My mother was a Wave in the Navy my father a SeaBee, my brother in the Air Force and served during the first Gulf War, flying missions in and out of Iraq. I served in the marine Corps and I believe that we are Americans either by birth or by choice.

I watch the immigrants that come today for the same reasons my family came before, for a chance at having a getter life for their kids and their grandkids. They worked hard and made a life for themselves and I see too many other people that want to ahve things given to them because they are owed something. Today I look at the economy and I see it going down the tubes very quickly. In most countries today a dollar is now worthh about 50 cents and we are told that that is a good thing.

Our money is worthless, our homes are worthless and be are being encouraged to fight between ourselves. During the civil rights movement we crossed color and ethnic lines to fight for civil rights for all. They devided us into fighting for our rights at the expense of others rights and in the end we have all suffered. Those that have had the power have raped this country of everything that once made it great, we stood united against anyone that would attack us. Now we stand divided fighting over the bread crumbs that are thrown our way, hoping to gain favor.

We have lost our sense of identity and self respect for not only our neighbors but for ourselves. How could we allow this to happen to us? It is something that has happened over the last 30 yrs and it will end only when we end. Immigrants, lets be honest with ourselves. If your are not an Native American you are either an immigrant or the descendent of an immigrant. They as all immigrants were willing to die for what they believed to be a great place to be. What are we willing to do to keep this a great place to be? Can we manage to get off the coutch and vote or volunteer in our community, hell can you take the time to get to know your neighbors?

Have a great day all and God Bless?

Immigrants

Today as in so many other days I hear people talking about immigrants and how they are destroying this great country. The thing is that I want to sit down and cry when I hear them talk like that. My grandparents escaped Warsaw just as the Nazi's were invading Poland and barely made it out alive. My mother was the first one born in this country in my family and I was the first grandchild born in this country.

I have heard all this talk before and than it was aimed at us and our culture. There were all the Polish jokes and the insults that came with each day. People looking down on you becuase you were not yet one of them. It was as if you have to be in this country for so long before you could be considered part of it. My mother was a Wave in the Navy my father a SeaBee, my brother in the Air Force and served during the first Gulf War, flying missions in and out of Iraq. I served in the marine Corps and I believe that we are Americans either by birth or by choice.

I watch the immigrants that come today for the same reasons my family came before, for a chance at having a getter life for their kids and their grandkids. They worked hard and made a life for themselves and I see too many other people that want to ahve things given to them because they are owed something. Today I look at the economy and I see it going down the tubes very quickly. In most countries today a dollar is now worthh about 50 cents and we are told that that is a good thing.

Our money is worthless, our homes are worthless and be are being encouraged to fight between ourselves. During the civil rights movement we crossed color and ethnic lines to fight for civil rights for all. They devided us into fighting for our rights at the expense of others rights and in the end we have all suffered. Those that have had the power have raped this country of everything that once made it great, we stood united against anyone that would attack us. Now we stand divided fighting over the bread crumbs that are thrown our way, hoping to gain favor.

We have lost our sense of identity and self respect for not only our neighbors but for ourselves. How could we allow this to happen to us? It is something that has happened over the last 30 yrs and it will end only when we end. Immigrants, lets be honest with ourselves. If your are not an Native American you are either an immigrant or the descendent of an immigrant. They as all immigrants were willing to die for what they believed to be a great place to be. What are we willing to do to keep this a great place to be? Can we manage to get off the coutch and vote or volunteer in our community, hell can you take the time to get to know your neighbors?

Have a great day all and God Bless?

Serenity

Even the word sounds calmiing and relaxing. It means to be at peace, with yourself, God and the world around us. It is something that is hard to achieve and yet is more valuable than diamonds or gold. To be able to relax and not feel stressed out or filled with anxiety is a hugh blessing in and of itself.

For me it is about giving up the idea that I have some control over the people, places or things that are going on in my life. The reality is that the only thing I have any control over is myself and that is limited to my actions and my reactions. How do I look at the world and my place in it? How do I react to the things that people do?

These little things are all so very important and add up quickly. It has been said that the devil is in the details and that is such a true statement. It is when I worry so much about the details that I forget about the big picture. If I do not stress out over every little detail it is amazing how much better things can go. In order to have serenity in my life I had to surrender and let go of the things that caused me to worry and feel stressed. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Another Day

I have been workign hard with school and another class is coming to a close today. I have been finding myself watching the stock market as of late and watching what has been going on and the way people are reacting to it. It has been a very strange thing as there seems to be a complete disconnect between what is going on and the way people are reacting to it.

It almost reminds me of the story about how to boil a frog, you turn the temp up slowly and he never notices he is in danger. Things have changed in many ways and no one seems to notice. The dollar is worth about 50 cents, people are loosing their homes and now having to choose between food and fuel. We seem to be being held hostage in our own country by the things we value most and I am wondering what it is we value most.

I had read stories of people giving up their homes to keep their credit cards and cars. If you have a family how can you possibly value your credit card over the home your family lives in. Have our values changed that much that we have become slaves to credit cards and value them more than those we love? I hope that that is not the case and that we are there for our families as they will need us more thsn ever in the coming months. If the market continues to slide and the dollar continues to slide we will be in for a very rough ride and it will tsake years to recover from it. God Bless and have a great day all, love yah

Missing in Action

I have been missing in action as of late and that is because I have been busy with action. Life has been good and I am feeling very blessed with the direction my life has been taking. Work and school ahve both been going well and I am feeling very good about both. It is hard to believe that I have been on the job for almost a year now and it seems like I just started. Guess that means I am enjoying what I do and the people I do it with.

It is amazing the blessings that pour into your life when you step aside and allow your Higher Power to do what he does best. When I allow my Higher Power to his job my life goes great and that is important every day. As I watch the world seemimgly spinning out of control, I find myself wondering just how bad does it have to get before people wake up and realize it. It is starting to look like the story of the frog in a pot of water, turn the temp up slowly and he sits there happy while being boiled to death. It make the things going on in my life seem all that much more wonderful and I have a lot of peace about that. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.

Morphing

In my life I have seen and done many things. Some I have been proud of and other well not so proud of. I have been afraid to live life to the fullest and I am finding that I have been changing for the better. Embrassing life and all it has to offer, without fear of what may happen. This is a different and oftentimes scary place to be and yet I have worked hard to get here.

After all the abuse I have suffered over the years it fel very good to be able to look forward to what life has to offer. For the first time I am spreadign my wings and taking flight, feeling the wind on my face and the warmth of the sun on my back. Enjoying the view from high above the trees soaring and riding the winds.

Only God knows for sure where this journey is headed and I am enjoying the ide to where ever it takes me. Change only comes from within and nothing outside of me can change me, only I can change me. No external force can control my emotions, beliefs, thoughts or action. I change them with the guidance of my Higher Power.

Funny Things

I have found so often when I go through life and try to force solutions to problems I end up more frustrated and feeling blocked than anything else. I have also found that when I am able to let go and let God things just seem to fall into place without any real effort on my part. I still do the things that I need to do and more importantly I allow myself to be open to what God is trying to tell me.

If I close myself off with fear and distrust, I will receive fear and distrust in return. If I open myself up to happiness and abundent blessings I will receive them. It has been proven in my own life over and over again that what I put out I will get back. It is just at times I have a hard time remembering that little fact. It is something that I am working on and I have been opening myself up for something new inmy life, healthy relationships.

The funny thing is that I am now being blessed with all kinds of healthy relationships and it feels good. They have to be healthy in not only how the other person approaches it, it has to be healthy from the way I approach it. The more I make healthy choices in how I deal with my relationships the more others make healthy choices in how they deal with their relationship with me. Funny how that all works out, lol. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Abundent Blessings

Each day brings abundent blessings that we need to be grateful for. At times I know I have a hard time seeing the blessings in my life. When those days come I seem to run into a chronic alcoholic or a homeless person. I see what they are going through and I remember that it was not all that long ago that I was in their shoes. Then the fog of my mind clears and I am more able to see the things going on in my own life.

The blessings we get each day come in a wide variety of things like the open packing spot in a full packing lot and it is even close to the door. There are so many things to be grateful for and yet I wonder how many people stop to think and acknowldge just how blessed they really are. I knwo that when I get busy with all the day to day hustle and bustle of the day I can easily forget the blessings in my life. I wonder if that is what thwy mean when they talk about stoping to smell the roses along the way. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Friends

They say that birds of a feather flock together and I have found that that is very true. I can choose to flock together with people that have always done thigns the way I have always done them or the way I want to do them. That is a choice. A choice between being the person I have always been or the person that I was meant to be. At times I have found that I have allowed events to overwhelm me and drag me down.

If I am the friend that I want to have I will have that kind of a friend. The laws of attraction speak very clearly on this. I will attract to myself everything that I give out and abundently. If I want to have good friends and have a lot of them I have to be that kind of friend to others. If I want to attract positive energy into my life than I have to give away the very same positive energy. Life is complicated though not so complicated to be able to figure out the what I put out I will get back. It may not come from the person, place or thing that I gave it away to but it will come back in some form. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Close Door Open Window

It has often been said that when a door closes and window is opened. That statemwnt speaks volumns to the many aspects of our lives. No matter what we are doing or hope to be able to do we cannot do them until we stop doing something else. That is something that is true in all aspects of our lives jobs, relationships, frames of mind and any number of bad habits.

I had to be willing to move away from abusive relationships before I could move toward healthy relationships. That is a big change going from relationships where you are beaten down physically and emotionally to ones that are kind loving and supportive. I do not think that any one relationship can withstand the challenges that come from making that big a change in life.

I think rather it is something that is accomplished over time and many diferent relationships. Each one allowing you grow a small amount and learn that the new feeling are ok and not something to fear. I think if you tried to make that big a change all at once you, the other person or both would explode. It would also be unhealthy to place that much on any one person. Have a great day and God Bless, love you all.

Changes

We all make changes in our lives for many different reason and in the end there is only one good reason to make changes, they are needed. They say that there is only one constent in the universe and that is change. When we make changes in our lives they need to be changes that we feel we need to make. To make changes becuase it will make someone else happy is simply wrong and it means we are not being true to ourselves.

I am that which I am in a room alone with the lights out. No one to see me and no one to impress, just me and my Higher Power. He already knows who I am and what I am capable of doing and being. I am the one that does not know the answers to those and many other questions. So today and each day I strive to be the best person that I am capable of being. The interesting thing is that that whole idea changes with each day so in the end I am always growing and changing, hopefully for the better

I have seen people make changes just because they thought someone wanted them to make changes. They ended up being abolutely miserable and left feeling trapped in a body thatw as not theirs. I blieve that in order for changes to be permanent they need to be real, honest and true to your true nature. Have a great day and God Bless, love you all.

Super Heros

In life I have made choices that at the time seemed to be goo choices and we all do this every day. For a long time I played super hero, running around rescuing people from whatever crisis they found themselves in at the moment. The only time when that was ok and healthy was when I was working on an ambulance crew and it was my job to rescue people.

What I have learned is that in rescuing people from their problems, I have caused both them and myself more harm than good. I harmed them because they were denied the chance to learn the life lessones they needed to learn at that point in their lives. IN turn they were condemed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until they actually learned what they were supposed to learn in the first place.

The other side of the coin is that I hurt myself as well by not dealing with the issues inmy life that I was afraid to deal with. I used someone elses problems to escape my own and I was forcedto deal with them sooner or later. If I am taking care of my own issues and allowing other to deal with their issues, life goes so much smoother. I have found that since I stopped rescuing others my life is much saner. I can relax in the evening without getting a phone call from some whose life is falling apart.

I can allow someone to take responsibility for their life and their actions and it is ok, I do not feel guilty in the least. I live my life the way God wants me to live it and I need to allow others to find their path in life. Sometimes it is hard to allow it to happen, especially when it is a loved one. Yet, they have to learn their life lessons as well as anyine else. It has been hard letting go and allowing them to make their mistakes and it is also nice when you watch them rebuild their lives based on what they have learned. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Going Up

Life has been going very well and I ahve been very happy with all that has been happening in it. When I allow God to drive this car called life it is amazing what can happen. Going through life we think we have control over people places and things. The reality is that we only have control over our own thoughts, feelings, actions and of course our reactions. Some days it is hard to remember that and when we forget it, we get ourselves into trouble.

We end up hurting the people in our lives that matter the most to us and that includes ourselves. By taking things one step at a time and one day at a time, miracles happen because we remove the barriers that prevent them from happening. In the Bible Jesus says that it is the fathers great joy to give us life and to give it to us abundently. Yet so many times we get in the way of this happening. I know that I have done that in the past and I am working hard at not allowing that to happen again.

In think I know better than God about what is in my best interest I close myself off from what God knows is inmy best interest. By letting go and allowing God to fill my life with all the blessings he has in store for me, I make life great. In this way I am moving up in the world and in my life. I have opened the door for all the blessings that God has for me and I am enjoying them flowing into my life. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Springs Coming

Yes, that is rtight spring os coming and not a moment too soon. Winter is coming back to visit again this weekend and I am certainly not looking forward to it. I so do not like the cold and yet I know that it serves it purpose in the grand scheme of things. God has blessed me and my life with talents and friends that have kept life intersting and filled with joy and happiness.

It has been a lot of work to rebuild my life after my last abusive wife left. I could not full breath easy until I found out that she left the state and than I could finally allow myself to relax. I have spent the last few years working hard and applying the 12 steps to my life and allowing my life to be transformed. Today I can say that the people I allow into my life bring nothing but positive elements to it.

Each person in my life today is a blessing from God and has brought joy amnd happiness into it. That is a far cry from what my life was like before, when I lived in fear of what the abuser would do to me or my kids. Today I can say that those thoughts are no longer a part of my daily life and it feels real good to be able to say that. I kow that if I apply the 12 steps to all aspects of my life I can have every positive thing I could possibly handle or want. The peomises come true because it is God's wish for us to have live and to have it abundently.

No one can come into my life and destroy what I have built, unless I allow them to. Today I do not allow anyone to destroy my life. Today I can make choices and feel good about the choices I am making because today I know that they are made out of love and not fear. I have been living alone for a while now and I am not afraid to be alone, which is also a sign of growth. My life is in the hands of God and I cannot think of a better place to place it. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Fears

I sometimes think of going out and trying my hand at dating and than recoil at the idea. I have been hurt so much in the relationships of the past that I have found that I am very much afraid. It seems hard to belive because it has never been a problem in the past and now something is missing and I do not know what it is. I have signed up for a class at church so I do not isolate myself from the rest of the world because it is something that I am very capable of doing.

I know that if I am every goingto be able to date I will have to be able to get past the cumulative hurt. No one relationship has caused this, it is rather the sum total of all the relationships I have had over the years. I am still looking at my life and seeking out the paterns of the past in hopes of learning something about myself. I believe that if I do that I can gain an insight into myself and learn something that will help me have the life that I have always wanted.

A life that I have denied myself because I did not think I deserved it. It is a hell of thing at 46 to re-evaluate your life and start over. There are so many thing that I have missed out on and an honest, open, loving two sided relationship is one of them. My fear at this point is that I am to jaded by the past to open up to the possiblities of the future. Will look at the next person and wonder what will they be the next one to be abusive. Do I dare let down my defenses and if I am unable to will I just end up alone.

Change is a good thing and I have my faith to guide me through all this stuff. In my heart I know that everything will be good. The fears exist in my mind and it is a ,atter of getting my mind and heart on the same page. That is something that I am sure will happen in time. Buildnig a new life is something that is going to take time and patience, I have the rest of my life to do it. Each step is scary because I am trying to change many things and in the end I have no idea what will happen. Right now I have fears and I am still happy with my new life even if I don't know where it is headed. lol Have a great day all and God Bless and love you all.

What we can handle

IT always seems to amaze me at what I can handle when I ask for God's help, everything always changes. It also never surprises me that God knows I can handle far more than I think I can handle. The last few weeks has brought a challenge that at times has been very hard to deal with and that is learning to relax and enjoy life. You see I have always been one that was always on the go (ADHD).

At times it drives me crazy all this slowing down stuff and yet I know that it is something that I must learn to do. Life is not a race but a long walk and one that should be enjoyed to the fullest. I have found that in my race through life I missed a great many things that were very important. Things that I always thought would be there when I had time and than only to find they were not. In slowing down I can not only smell the flowers, I can also enjoy the fragrence they provide.

My body is getting the message about slowing down and now I am working on the mind, it still races. Peace and happiness come from within and there is nothing external that can give to you or take it away from you. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.

Something New

One of the hardest thing that anyone ever does is to leave an abusive relationship. I know that that was true for me because I was so filled with fear and doubt. I was afraid of my own shadow and afrraid that they were right, that I could not make it without them. It took a great leap of faith for me to step into the unknown.

When I took my kids and left the relationship I had been in there was no support from any agency and we had to go it alone. That only added to the fear, doubt and uncertainty because now I had to fer loosing my kids as well. What I found was that with each choice I made for myself and my kids , I grew stronger.

Each thing I did to take care of and provide for my kids and myself helped me grow. I slowly over a period of time grew stronger and more confident in myself and that made a huge difference. I was no longer under the control of the abuser and I was building a new life for my kids and myself. I knew it would be the perfect life and I was going to do everything I could to make it a safe life.

This journey brought something new into my life, me. I began to see how strong I really was and how much I could and would do for my family and for myself. I allowed God to guide me through this journey and he gave me everything I needed to get through it all. HAve a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Divine Purpose

What is a Divine Purpose? Is it the same for everyone or different? We each have our own personal Divine Purpose in life and that is something that we discover in communion with God. When we stop and look at our lives we being to see that certain things come more easily than others. God gave us each a gift that is ours and ours alone and our purpose in life is to share that gift with everyone.

For some it is music, photography and for others it is helping with taxes or being a shoulder to lean on. When we do that which we were intended to do we have all the riches in the world. We have the inner calm that comes from doing what we know is right and the love and affection of those around us. No amount of material goods could ever erase or replace the love and affection that you give and receive from those you love.

How many of us walked away from our Diovine Purpose to chase material things? The big paycheck, status, a big house or a luxury car all come at a cost and was the cost worth it? If we are following our Divine Purpose we will still gain great sucess in whatever it is we are doing because it comes easy and it is fun. We may even achieve some of the material things along the way the bonus is that we know we are doing what we were meant to do and we are enjoying our lives along the way. Are you living your Divine Purpose? HAve a great day and God Bless, I love you all.

Choices are Fun

It is a good thing in life to know that you have choices, it is a sign that you are on the right track. I know that when I screw up my choices get to be very few very quickly and that is never a good thing. It is important to remember that we always have choices to make and they will always revolve around our values and intentions.

In being in recovery from drugs, alcohol and being abused, I learned that I always had choices to do the right thing or make things worse. The only thing that stopped me from making good choices was fear. Fear of what would happen to me or the people that I cared about, if I made the right choice. If I left an abusive relationship would I fall flat on my face and loose my kids or would it be better to stay and let my kids see their dad being abused.

Maybe if I did the right thing she would change and it would get better. Fear ruled my life for so long and controled all aspects of my life. "What if", became the prision that I lived in and many people I truly loved paid a heavy price for the prision of my life. Yet as my faith grew and my understanding of God changed, I grew stronger. I learned perhaps the most important lesson of all and that is that with God I am never alone.

This knowledge helped me grow even stronger, strong enough to push fear to the side. When I could finally push fear aside I was able to have a clear head and make good choices again. I allowed people into my life that I could trust and that brought something positive to the table. We all have issues and problems and the choices we make can make them better or worse. I hope that our faith guides us in making good choices and that or fear will no longer be able to enslave us. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

What do we see?

When we look at others, what do we see? When we look at material things, what do we see? When we look at a church, what do we see? When we look at ourselves, what do we see?

Do we see things that are positive or do we see illusions based on what others say we should see? If we see a new car, is it simply a means to get you from one place to another or is it a means to be cool, successful or happy? When we look at a church is it a place that helps us feel good about ourselves and our connection to God or is it a place that tells us we are not good enough to deserve God's love?

When we look at others do we see that they are one of God's children and deserving of being treated as one of God's children or do we see someone that is undeserving of love and worthy of our condemnation? When we look at ourselves do we see a child of God, made in his image, perfect in every way or do we see all our flaws and short coming and loath ourselves as being unworthy of God's love.

We are made in God's image not the other way around. Jesus said we can do all the things he did and more if we only believe. Yet we only place limitations on ourselves and what we are capable of doing. As children of God, made in his image we owe it to ourselves to remove all the limitations we place on ourselves and live our lives as intended. We can all walk on water, calm the storm and heal the blind, if only we believe. We can also be healed if we only believe we can be. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

A New Year

What will this new year bring? Will it brin closure to the events of last year or will they continue into the new year? Will we start something new this date that will change our lives forever or just continue with what we have been doing all this time?

Wew have the power to change our lives each and every day and yet we focus all our attentions on this day. Something about the first day of a new year that encourages us to start a new and fresh. Only God knows for sure what this new year will hold in store for us and we shall have a wealth of options available to us. What will we do with them all? HAve a great day and a Blessed New Year.