I cannot count how many times I have been told it was all my fault. It did not matter what age I was, I seemed to have this innate ability to control everything and make it go wrong for someone. That was all they needed to beat me and they did that frequently. Yet, I have learned something that has shaped my life and it seems simple enough and yet takes a lifetime to learn and master.
The thing I have learned is that not only is not my fault, it never was my fault. In learning this little thing I found myself being freed from a lifetime of guilt that I carried for everything that had gone wrong my whole life. It also gave me the freedom to take figure out what I was responsible for and what I was not. That knowledge made things much easier to deal with and ultimately to live with.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Gaining Control
First off understand that control is nothing but an illusion. No one can control you and you cannot control anyone else. The reality is that the only control you have in anything, is you. You have control over what you think, how you feel and what you do.
Life has a way of giving us many challenges each and every day and they can be very hard to deal with. At times we feel like our lives are spiraling out of control and we feel completely helpless. Yet we forget all too quickly that we have no control over the events that go on around us. We cannot control someone else’s feelings. We cannot make someone else angry, sad or even happy.
We also have no control over how other react to the things that go on around them. We cannot make someone beat us and we cannot stop anyone from beating us. We have no control over what someone else does and we never did. We only thought we did. We thought that if we do this or say that than it will be all good and we will be safe. When we understand that we have no control it is the first step of taking back our life and taking back control of our lives.
Life has a way of giving us many challenges each and every day and they can be very hard to deal with. At times we feel like our lives are spiraling out of control and we feel completely helpless. Yet we forget all too quickly that we have no control over the events that go on around us. We cannot control someone else’s feelings. We cannot make someone else angry, sad or even happy.
We also have no control over how other react to the things that go on around them. We cannot make someone beat us and we cannot stop anyone from beating us. We have no control over what someone else does and we never did. We only thought we did. We thought that if we do this or say that than it will be all good and we will be safe. When we understand that we have no control it is the first step of taking back our life and taking back control of our lives.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
My Responsibility
In life we have many things that happen in our lives. In the end the only things we are responsible for are our actions and reactions to the events around us. We are not responsible the way others react to what is happening or for what they choose to do.
Confused? If you do something, you are responsible for what you did. If someone else gets angry because of what you did, that is their problem and their responsibility. In short you have no responsibility for the abusers actions towards you or anyone else. They use you as an excuse to simply justify their actions because it means they do not have to be responsible for something they know deep down is completely wrong.
The hardest thing for you at this point in time it to stop taking responsibility for other peoples actions. We like to think that we have far more power than we really do. We have absolutely no control over how others choose to react to anything we say or do. People just say we do so they do not have to take personal responsibility for their actions.
Give yourself a credit for what you have done good or bad and accept it. Push the rest of it away because it does not matter. It only matters that you know what you are responsible for because in knowing that you take a step towards take your life back. You gain power in knowing what is yours and what is not yours to be responsible for. Take back the power and control in your life and don’t give it away.
Confused? If you do something, you are responsible for what you did. If someone else gets angry because of what you did, that is their problem and their responsibility. In short you have no responsibility for the abusers actions towards you or anyone else. They use you as an excuse to simply justify their actions because it means they do not have to be responsible for something they know deep down is completely wrong.
The hardest thing for you at this point in time it to stop taking responsibility for other peoples actions. We like to think that we have far more power than we really do. We have absolutely no control over how others choose to react to anything we say or do. People just say we do so they do not have to take personal responsibility for their actions.
Give yourself a credit for what you have done good or bad and accept it. Push the rest of it away because it does not matter. It only matters that you know what you are responsible for because in knowing that you take a step towards take your life back. You gain power in knowing what is yours and what is not yours to be responsible for. Take back the power and control in your life and don’t give it away.
Monday, November 27, 2006
One Day at a Time
Some days it is more like going one minute at a time is the only way you are going to make it through the day. That is ok because we need to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. It does not matter what the rest of the world thinks about what we are doing or how we look. What matters the most is how we feel about what we are doing and the reasons why we are doing them.
After we have left the abusive relationship we have nothing to steer by simply because keeping the abuser happy was our soul purpose in life. Now that has changed and we need to understand that we alone are in charge of the direction our life. We chose what we are going to do and when we are going to do it and why we are going to do it.
We will need to take baby steps at first in this process and that is normal and healthy. By going one day at a time we build confidence in our ability to make good choices. Choices that affect not only our lives but also the lives of our children if we have them. There are so many things that will to be done when after you leave the abuser. Some will need to be done quickly to protect you and your children and others can happen over time.
Taking things one day at a time is the only way you will keep from feeling overwhelmed and it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. Taking things one day at a time will mean giving up the fear of what will happen if you don’t get it all done right now. It will mean finding people that you can trust to help you get things done that you may not be able to do for yourself just yet. One step at a time and one day at a time and you will have a much better life to enjoy.
After we have left the abusive relationship we have nothing to steer by simply because keeping the abuser happy was our soul purpose in life. Now that has changed and we need to understand that we alone are in charge of the direction our life. We chose what we are going to do and when we are going to do it and why we are going to do it.
We will need to take baby steps at first in this process and that is normal and healthy. By going one day at a time we build confidence in our ability to make good choices. Choices that affect not only our lives but also the lives of our children if we have them. There are so many things that will to be done when after you leave the abuser. Some will need to be done quickly to protect you and your children and others can happen over time.
Taking things one day at a time is the only way you will keep from feeling overwhelmed and it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. Taking things one day at a time will mean giving up the fear of what will happen if you don’t get it all done right now. It will mean finding people that you can trust to help you get things done that you may not be able to do for yourself just yet. One step at a time and one day at a time and you will have a much better life to enjoy.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
When Kids Give Up
The hardest thing to deal with during the recovery process is seeing your kids give up on themselves. You know that they have such great potential and they are unwilling to see it. So much of the time you want to just sit down and cry because they do not see themselves as deserving anything better then deserving a life of abuse. It does not matter if they are abusing themselves or others, the pain you feel is just as harsh.
There comes a point when you need to let go and allow them to figure it out for themselves. I have recently come to that point with my daughter. She does not see herself as being worthy of a good life and wants to self-destruct. I have tried for three years to get through to her and I finally had to let go. It was the hardest thing I have had to do but I know that if I did not I would not only loose her but myself as well.
In letting go I can heal and grow stronger. Than I will be able to be there for her when the time comes to pick up the pieces of her life and help her put it back together. Life will get better and I am sure she will be fine in time. Until then it hurts to watch her suffer like this.
There comes a point when you need to let go and allow them to figure it out for themselves. I have recently come to that point with my daughter. She does not see herself as being worthy of a good life and wants to self-destruct. I have tried for three years to get through to her and I finally had to let go. It was the hardest thing I have had to do but I know that if I did not I would not only loose her but myself as well.
In letting go I can heal and grow stronger. Than I will be able to be there for her when the time comes to pick up the pieces of her life and help her put it back together. Life will get better and I am sure she will be fine in time. Until then it hurts to watch her suffer like this.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Surviving the Holidays
It seems that so much of our time is just spent trying to survive the holidays instead of actually enjoying them. When we were with the abuser everything had to be just so or we knew that there would be a backlash that we would have to deal with. We tiptoed around them trying desperately not to disturb the waters, terrified of the results if we did.
Things are different now and I no longer have to tiptoe around anyone. I do what I can and let go of the rest. My goal now is to have a good day with the kids and relax and enjoy the holiday. We held onto the traditions that we really liked and let go of the other ones. The funny thing is that no one even noticed that some of the traditions were let go.
It took a couple of holidays to go by before we had things the way we wanted them to be. The key being the way we wanted them to be because there was no one telling us how it had to be. We decided for ourselves what we wanted and did not want and it did not matter what anyone else was doing. Others were doing what they wanted and that was fine for them and it did not mean that we had to do it to.
In the end we enjoyed ourselves and we were able to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Minor things come up as will happen when you have a house full of people. Nothing like the stuff we had to deal with when the abuser joined the holiday. There was peace on earth this holiday and that is good for me.
Things are different now and I no longer have to tiptoe around anyone. I do what I can and let go of the rest. My goal now is to have a good day with the kids and relax and enjoy the holiday. We held onto the traditions that we really liked and let go of the other ones. The funny thing is that no one even noticed that some of the traditions were let go.
It took a couple of holidays to go by before we had things the way we wanted them to be. The key being the way we wanted them to be because there was no one telling us how it had to be. We decided for ourselves what we wanted and did not want and it did not matter what anyone else was doing. Others were doing what they wanted and that was fine for them and it did not mean that we had to do it to.
In the end we enjoyed ourselves and we were able to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Minor things come up as will happen when you have a house full of people. Nothing like the stuff we had to deal with when the abuser joined the holiday. There was peace on earth this holiday and that is good for me.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving
Yesterday was a rough one as I received a couple of bad reviews that left me feeling very hurt and shattered. Yet, I did not give up and continued to move forward with the things that I needed to do. Not out of some misplaced idea of being superman but out of a fight against depression and a desire to not give upon myself. It has been over two years since I left my last abusive relationship and still struggle with myself at times.
I had gotten so used to being put down that even now when someone does and I am not expecting it, all the old tapes begin to play all over again. The hardest part is trying to explain it to those that do not understand because they have nothing to compare it to. I know that I have worked very hard to build a life for myself and for my family. It is a good life and I know that my kids still have their struggles with abuse. I still worry that they will get into an abusive relationship and I am powerless to do anything about it.
All I can do is leave it in God’s hands and be the best example I can be. Then real work is up to them and it always will be. I can only do so much to protect my kids and I wish I could do so much more. Yet I understand that unless they get hurt they will not understand that it can happen to them all over again. Then they will be more alert and hopefully more attentive their feelings and the people around them. Happy Thanksgiving all and may God bless you.
I had gotten so used to being put down that even now when someone does and I am not expecting it, all the old tapes begin to play all over again. The hardest part is trying to explain it to those that do not understand because they have nothing to compare it to. I know that I have worked very hard to build a life for myself and for my family. It is a good life and I know that my kids still have their struggles with abuse. I still worry that they will get into an abusive relationship and I am powerless to do anything about it.
All I can do is leave it in God’s hands and be the best example I can be. Then real work is up to them and it always will be. I can only do so much to protect my kids and I wish I could do so much more. Yet I understand that unless they get hurt they will not understand that it can happen to them all over again. Then they will be more alert and hopefully more attentive their feelings and the people around them. Happy Thanksgiving all and may God bless you.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Positive Changes
The changes that happen in our lives when we leave the abuser and the abuse behind cannot help but be positive. Our Higher Power wants nothing but the best for us and we have but to accept it. The abuse we went through showed us that we can survive anything the world has to throw at us. It showed us that we are strong enough to survive and determined enough to thrive and that is a positive thing.
We cannot change what happened to us and we cannot change the person or the people that abused us in the past. We need to remember that it is in the past and it does not define our future unless we allow it to. If we choose to live in anger and bitterness than that will be our future. If we choose to live with a positive view of ourselves than we will have that as well.
We alone have the power to make our lives anything we want them to be. We can thrive and be all that we want to be, all we have to do is think a positive thought. We need to remember that we are strong and we do have the power to control our lives. We remember what happened only to prevent it from happening again. Though with the laws of attraction being what they are.
When we feel good about ourselves we can only attract people that feel good about us as well. When we believe that we deserve the best we will attract the best. When we believe that we deserve love we will get love. We have the power and all we have to do is use it.
We cannot change what happened to us and we cannot change the person or the people that abused us in the past. We need to remember that it is in the past and it does not define our future unless we allow it to. If we choose to live in anger and bitterness than that will be our future. If we choose to live with a positive view of ourselves than we will have that as well.
We alone have the power to make our lives anything we want them to be. We can thrive and be all that we want to be, all we have to do is think a positive thought. We need to remember that we are strong and we do have the power to control our lives. We remember what happened only to prevent it from happening again. Though with the laws of attraction being what they are.
When we feel good about ourselves we can only attract people that feel good about us as well. When we believe that we deserve the best we will attract the best. When we believe that we deserve love we will get love. We have the power and all we have to do is use it.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
What Happens to the Kids
The kids suffer the most from the damaging affects of an abusive household. They will more than likely get into abusive relationships. It does not matter if they end up being abused or being the abuser, they will continue the cycle of violence. This is because they do not know any different unless we show them different.
By and through our efforts to recover from the abuse we have suffered we begin to show our kids that they to can have a life free of abuse. This is something that will take a life time of work to accomplish and at times it may feel like you have lost the battle or even the war.
Keep the faith and continue to move forward. Remember that the abuse you have suffered in the past does not define who you are and what you are to become. That is something that is entirely up to you and only you. You are in control of your life and no one else. God has always wanted you to have an abundant life so have one and live one. Even when the kids seems to gravitate towards the abusive life you have left. Continue to live an abuse free lifestyle and that includes not allowing your kids to abuse you.
By and through our efforts to recover from the abuse we have suffered we begin to show our kids that they to can have a life free of abuse. This is something that will take a life time of work to accomplish and at times it may feel like you have lost the battle or even the war.
Keep the faith and continue to move forward. Remember that the abuse you have suffered in the past does not define who you are and what you are to become. That is something that is entirely up to you and only you. You are in control of your life and no one else. God has always wanted you to have an abundant life so have one and live one. Even when the kids seems to gravitate towards the abusive life you have left. Continue to live an abuse free lifestyle and that includes not allowing your kids to abuse you.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Making a Difference
As we go through each and every day we have in the back of our mind that we want to make a difference. We are never really sure what difference we will make in anything that we do but we do our best to make a difference any ways. The idea of leaving an abusive relationship and coming to terms with what that means for us is a huge thing.
We take a very large step towards making our world a better place. A place in which you can live without being afraid of your own shadow and a world where you matter. The ability to make large changes in our life and lifestyle is ours to do. While making make that big a change is very scary the alternative is also very scary.
The idea of taking control of your life is very scary, especially if you have been in an abusive relationship for some time now. You are used to someone else making all the choices for you and the idea that you can do that for yourself is terrifying. You can do it and in doing so you will make a difference not only in your life but the life of your children as well.
The difference you will make is to end a cycle of violence that may have been going on for 100’s of years. This means that you and your children have a chance to have a life free of violence and of healing. They have a chance to marry and raise a family without the violence that they grew up with. That is huge and as one family at a time begins to live a life without violence in it. The difference that we create becomes greater than we could ever imagine possible.
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We take a very large step towards making our world a better place. A place in which you can live without being afraid of your own shadow and a world where you matter. The ability to make large changes in our life and lifestyle is ours to do. While making make that big a change is very scary the alternative is also very scary.
The idea of taking control of your life is very scary, especially if you have been in an abusive relationship for some time now. You are used to someone else making all the choices for you and the idea that you can do that for yourself is terrifying. You can do it and in doing so you will make a difference not only in your life but the life of your children as well.
The difference you will make is to end a cycle of violence that may have been going on for 100’s of years. This means that you and your children have a chance to have a life free of violence and of healing. They have a chance to marry and raise a family without the violence that they grew up with. That is huge and as one family at a time begins to live a life without violence in it. The difference that we create becomes greater than we could ever imagine possible.
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Sunday, November 19, 2006
Peace and quiet
Peace and quiet is something that I have found to be a relative term. It all depends on what you are comparing it to. If the house is silent and all are in bed sleeping that that is peace and quiet compared to screaming kids and animals running around the house.
By contrast screaming kids and animals are peace and quiet when compared to the screaming ad yelling of the abusive spouse. That sounds strange that screaming kids would be considered calming. The reality is that it actually can be calming. If you look at it from the stand point that the kids feel safe enough to yell and scream and run around.
Everything is all in how you chose to look at it. I will happily give that after a day of yell and screaming kids your nerves will feel a bit frayed to say the least. Yet, the level of tension in the air will be significantly lower than it had been in the past.
When we feel frustrated with what is going on in our lives today. All we really need to do is to look at where we were just a short time before. Everything changes and when we work from a positive frame of mind the changes will also be positive. From day to day we may not be able to see the changes that happen yet they are happening. To see were you are headed all you need to do is see where you have been.
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By contrast screaming kids and animals are peace and quiet when compared to the screaming ad yelling of the abusive spouse. That sounds strange that screaming kids would be considered calming. The reality is that it actually can be calming. If you look at it from the stand point that the kids feel safe enough to yell and scream and run around.
Everything is all in how you chose to look at it. I will happily give that after a day of yell and screaming kids your nerves will feel a bit frayed to say the least. Yet, the level of tension in the air will be significantly lower than it had been in the past.
When we feel frustrated with what is going on in our lives today. All we really need to do is to look at where we were just a short time before. Everything changes and when we work from a positive frame of mind the changes will also be positive. From day to day we may not be able to see the changes that happen yet they are happening. To see were you are headed all you need to do is see where you have been.
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Saturday, November 18, 2006
I am Loved
For the longest time this was something that I could not say let alone mean. I can remember for so long wondering what I had done to deserve this type of life. Many times I would find a spot in an alley to hide and just cry my eye out and beg God to end it all. I did not know that I was capable of surviving all that I would face growing up.
I found myself going to drugs and alcohol to help make the pain go away. After many years of using I came to the conclusion that it would not go away. I could not drink it away and I could not smoke it away, it was there and always would be there. It was a part of who I was and I would have to come to terms with that.
It took some twenty years of fighting with myself and with God to get to a point were I could find happiness. I am hoping that with the information that I am writing here it will not take you twenty years to find happiness. After finding it it took me another 4 years to be able to embrace it and know that I had finally left all the abuse behind.
All I ever wanted in life was to feel loved and I was willing to do anything just so people would love me. That even allowed me to devalue myself and allowed me to let people to abuse me because of they did than they loved me. It ha taken a long time to get past that idea and now that I have life is good and getting better all the time. It will for you as well.
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I found myself going to drugs and alcohol to help make the pain go away. After many years of using I came to the conclusion that it would not go away. I could not drink it away and I could not smoke it away, it was there and always would be there. It was a part of who I was and I would have to come to terms with that.
It took some twenty years of fighting with myself and with God to get to a point were I could find happiness. I am hoping that with the information that I am writing here it will not take you twenty years to find happiness. After finding it it took me another 4 years to be able to embrace it and know that I had finally left all the abuse behind.
All I ever wanted in life was to feel loved and I was willing to do anything just so people would love me. That even allowed me to devalue myself and allowed me to let people to abuse me because of they did than they loved me. It ha taken a long time to get past that idea and now that I have life is good and getting better all the time. It will for you as well.
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Friday, November 17, 2006
Choices
I remember when I was with those that abused me there was something that I did not have, choices. All the choices I made were about self protection and are those really choices? Protect yourself from being hurt or killed or not, not much of a choice there. When I got out of the abusive situation I found myself flooded with choices and it was very overwhelming.
There was no clear cut thing like before and it was very scary. What if I made the wrong choice, what would happen then? This eventually got better as time went by and it became easier to make choices. What I needed to do was to learn to trust my own ability to not only make choices but good choices. That took time and I gained confidence in my ability with each choice I made. This is one thing along the way to a happy life. The happy life that you deserve to have. Technorati Profile
There was no clear cut thing like before and it was very scary. What if I made the wrong choice, what would happen then? This eventually got better as time went by and it became easier to make choices. What I needed to do was to learn to trust my own ability to not only make choices but good choices. That took time and I gained confidence in my ability with each choice I made. This is one thing along the way to a happy life. The happy life that you deserve to have. Technorati Profile
Thursday, November 16, 2006
My Fault?
I remember growing up that it was always my fault I was abused. In school I asked questions of the nuns I should not have so they beat me. At home I was beaten if either I did something wrong or someone else did something wrong and they felt I should have been a better example. They told me when I was raped it was my fault because I was asking for it. The rapist told me, “if I had known you were a virgin I would have made it special for you”.
When I was abused by my wives I was told, “men don’t get abused”. The cops also asked, why I was afraid of my wife, I should be a man and put her in her place. At one time I took on all these things and many more to justify the abuse that others inflicted on me. I also used the same rationales to justify my own self-abuse through the use of drugs, alcohol and self-torture. To me abuse became love and people showed you they loved you by abusing you and that it was all my fault, I deserved all of it.
What I have learned in the years since I walked away from the abuse is that abuse does no mean love and that I did nothing to deserve what happened to me. The people that abused me did it for whatever reason they felt they needed to to justify it their own mind. At first I hated them for what they had done to me. Later I would come to a point in which I felt sorry for them and the life they felt they deserved. To think they believed they needed to beat people into loving and respecting them is really sad.
I have since learned over time to look at what did happen in the light of reality. I have learned to look at each situation that I can remember and look at my role in it. Then I take responsibility for my actions in what happened and let the rest go. I have no control over what others do or how they react to what I did. I have learned that there is no room in recovery for fault finding and there is plenty of room for taking responsibility for your actions.
Was what happened my fault, no. Was it their fault either, no. Things happened I deal with it and move on with my life. I build the life for myself and my family that I want. I look at the abuser as a really good example of what not to do in my life. So to the abuser, thanks for showing me what I do not want to be and how not to act and above all how not to treat other people. Technorati Profile
When I was abused by my wives I was told, “men don’t get abused”. The cops also asked, why I was afraid of my wife, I should be a man and put her in her place. At one time I took on all these things and many more to justify the abuse that others inflicted on me. I also used the same rationales to justify my own self-abuse through the use of drugs, alcohol and self-torture. To me abuse became love and people showed you they loved you by abusing you and that it was all my fault, I deserved all of it.
What I have learned in the years since I walked away from the abuse is that abuse does no mean love and that I did nothing to deserve what happened to me. The people that abused me did it for whatever reason they felt they needed to to justify it their own mind. At first I hated them for what they had done to me. Later I would come to a point in which I felt sorry for them and the life they felt they deserved. To think they believed they needed to beat people into loving and respecting them is really sad.
I have since learned over time to look at what did happen in the light of reality. I have learned to look at each situation that I can remember and look at my role in it. Then I take responsibility for my actions in what happened and let the rest go. I have no control over what others do or how they react to what I did. I have learned that there is no room in recovery for fault finding and there is plenty of room for taking responsibility for your actions.
Was what happened my fault, no. Was it their fault either, no. Things happened I deal with it and move on with my life. I build the life for myself and my family that I want. I look at the abuser as a really good example of what not to do in my life. So to the abuser, thanks for showing me what I do not want to be and how not to act and above all how not to treat other people. Technorati Profile
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Court Case
The word court strikes fear deep in out minds and we want to run for the hills. We just know that nothing good will come out of it because for so very long nothing good did. It does offer us protection and support when we can get it and at times it fails miserably. The reality is that in the end the only thing that we can really do it to prepare the best we can and than turn it over to God.
He has a view of the big picture and ultimately what is in our best and greater good. Sometimes we cannot see the forest for the trees and that can leave us feeling very confused, scared and hurt. We have no control over what a judge or anyone else can do in that courtroom. Perhaps it would not be so scary if we did not think we had so much control over the rest of our lives.
The reality of course is that we do not have any control over our lives and what happens in them. The only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to the events that go on around us. We control our thoughts, actions and words beyond that we are pretty much powerless. We have already found that by dealing with the abusive person we have no control over how they react to things.
We can take any situation and turn it into something that is positive for us and for our families and that can be hard at times. We choose to see the positive or the negative in everything that happens in our life. When we choose to see the negative we only see how everything is against us and how we are about to get screwed over.
When we choose to see the positive we show that we have faith not only in ourselves but our higher power as well. When we choose to see the positive we choose to see the doors open for us and the opportunities coming our way to make our life better.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
He has a view of the big picture and ultimately what is in our best and greater good. Sometimes we cannot see the forest for the trees and that can leave us feeling very confused, scared and hurt. We have no control over what a judge or anyone else can do in that courtroom. Perhaps it would not be so scary if we did not think we had so much control over the rest of our lives.
The reality of course is that we do not have any control over our lives and what happens in them. The only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to the events that go on around us. We control our thoughts, actions and words beyond that we are pretty much powerless. We have already found that by dealing with the abusive person we have no control over how they react to things.
We can take any situation and turn it into something that is positive for us and for our families and that can be hard at times. We choose to see the positive or the negative in everything that happens in our life. When we choose to see the negative we only see how everything is against us and how we are about to get screwed over.
When we choose to see the positive we show that we have faith not only in ourselves but our higher power as well. When we choose to see the positive we choose to see the doors open for us and the opportunities coming our way to make our life better.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Kids and Abuse
Kids and abuse is never a good combination and yet it happens so much in today. Just last night I turned in someone for abusing their son and they were let go. They were let go because the rest of the family lied to protect the abuser from going to jail. I am sure that in their minds they were protecting themselves as well from the wrath of the abuser. Yet in reality the only thing they have managed to do is to insure that the cycle of abuse will continue on.
The cycle of abuse continues on in our children after we have left the abusive person behind. The kids have learned by example how to act in relationships. They are not responsible for what we have taught them in how we dealt with each other. I have found that abuse like alcoholism affects the entire family and everyone takes on their own role. When the abuser is gone just as when the alcoholic stops drinking and finds recovery, everything changes.
This means the lessons we have learned about how to deal with things have to change as well. We are no longer protecting ourselves from the abuser and we no longer have to live like we are. We need to unlearn the defenses that have become so ingrained. The end result is that for a period of time afterwards life will become a living hell of a different kind.
The kids and even we react to things the way we have all been programmed to. In response to the reaction that we are expecting to come and than it does not happen. The screaming and shouting go unanswered and we find ourselves confused. How do we now act when the thing we were reacting to is no longer there. That is something that is a life time of learning. One day at a time is the only way to deal with it and get through it. Everyone will grow and change at their own rate and everyone will be adjusting to everyone else adjusting to the abuser not being there. It will take time but it will happen, even if you wan to pull your hair out during the process.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
The cycle of abuse continues on in our children after we have left the abusive person behind. The kids have learned by example how to act in relationships. They are not responsible for what we have taught them in how we dealt with each other. I have found that abuse like alcoholism affects the entire family and everyone takes on their own role. When the abuser is gone just as when the alcoholic stops drinking and finds recovery, everything changes.
This means the lessons we have learned about how to deal with things have to change as well. We are no longer protecting ourselves from the abuser and we no longer have to live like we are. We need to unlearn the defenses that have become so ingrained. The end result is that for a period of time afterwards life will become a living hell of a different kind.
The kids and even we react to things the way we have all been programmed to. In response to the reaction that we are expecting to come and than it does not happen. The screaming and shouting go unanswered and we find ourselves confused. How do we now act when the thing we were reacting to is no longer there. That is something that is a life time of learning. One day at a time is the only way to deal with it and get through it. Everyone will grow and change at their own rate and everyone will be adjusting to everyone else adjusting to the abuser not being there. It will take time but it will happen, even if you wan to pull your hair out during the process.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Monday, November 13, 2006
First Snow
With each new winter comes the day in which you have that first new snow. When you look at that first new snow everything looks so clean, fresh and brand new. What we don’t see is all the junk that is still there under all that nice bright snow. Much the same can be said for the new life we have when we leave the abusive person in our lives.
We have a clean, fresh new life to begin a new. Yet, beneath all that shinny new stuff is all that pain, hurt, resentment and anger about the way our life had been. We have to clear all that stuff out of the way or we will only set ourselves up to fail. Just as when we jump into the snow bang and forget there was a fireplug there. We will get hurt and the pain will be just as great.
We need to understand that no matter who the abuser was parent, husband, wife or significant other. We did nothing to deserve the abuse that we suffered at their hands. We should not feel guilty because we did not leave sooner than we did. No one has had to travel your road but you. That is not to say there are not a lot of people that have been abused because there have.
We made the choices we made because we made them and not because we were forced to. Does that sound wrong? We stayed at first because we thought we could make a difference, change them. Than we stayed because we were embarrassed to admit we were wrong. Then we were afraid to leave because of what would happen to our children or ourselves. The idea is that by taking responsibility for the choices we made, we take back control of our lives.
When we were in the abusive relationship we lost control of our lives and became victims. I have found that for me part of recovering from being abused was taking back my life. That meant taking responsibility for the choices I made. That did not remove responsibility for the abusers in my life for what they did, it only meant that I defined my role in it and that helped me regain my power. It help me to not be a victim any more and to become a survivor, which you have to become before you can be a thriver.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
We have a clean, fresh new life to begin a new. Yet, beneath all that shinny new stuff is all that pain, hurt, resentment and anger about the way our life had been. We have to clear all that stuff out of the way or we will only set ourselves up to fail. Just as when we jump into the snow bang and forget there was a fireplug there. We will get hurt and the pain will be just as great.
We need to understand that no matter who the abuser was parent, husband, wife or significant other. We did nothing to deserve the abuse that we suffered at their hands. We should not feel guilty because we did not leave sooner than we did. No one has had to travel your road but you. That is not to say there are not a lot of people that have been abused because there have.
We made the choices we made because we made them and not because we were forced to. Does that sound wrong? We stayed at first because we thought we could make a difference, change them. Than we stayed because we were embarrassed to admit we were wrong. Then we were afraid to leave because of what would happen to our children or ourselves. The idea is that by taking responsibility for the choices we made, we take back control of our lives.
When we were in the abusive relationship we lost control of our lives and became victims. I have found that for me part of recovering from being abused was taking back my life. That meant taking responsibility for the choices I made. That did not remove responsibility for the abusers in my life for what they did, it only meant that I defined my role in it and that helped me regain my power. It help me to not be a victim any more and to become a survivor, which you have to become before you can be a thriver.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Just Another Day
The sun rises and the morning is cool. The house is quiet and all are at rest. It is just another day and it was only a few short years ago that that would have been a dream of what could be. It was not all that long ago that the days were filled with screaming and fighting. Things being thrown and threats being made.
While I still remember those days very well and I am sure that I will never forget. I look at what has happened to my life since I finally walked away from the abuse and started anew. Today I am living the life I could have only dreamed of. Today life is good and I believe that I am better because I went through what I did.
In looking back at all the hurt and the pain I can see just how strong I really was. I say I was strong because no matter what happened my spirit was not destroyed. There was a part of me that I protected from the abuse at all cost just like I protected my kids. That part that I protected ended up top be the seed of the new me, the me that would end up stronger and wiser then I could have ever imagined possible.
It is funny how we are always faced with the hardest things in life and yet we some how get through them and make it look easy. After having survived an abusive spouse you can stand strong in anything. You already know fear and stared it down and won. You already know intimidation and walked away. You fought and won the ultimate prize of all your freedom.
There is no challenge in life that can bring you to the point that an abuse spouse can. No one else could ever get away with what they did for so long. Now we rise victorious and celebrate a calm and quiet home. A home filled with the sounds of laughter and children’s toys. Enjoy your victory over the worst that could be thrown at you. Enjoy the peace of mind that comes with a calm house.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
While I still remember those days very well and I am sure that I will never forget. I look at what has happened to my life since I finally walked away from the abuse and started anew. Today I am living the life I could have only dreamed of. Today life is good and I believe that I am better because I went through what I did.
In looking back at all the hurt and the pain I can see just how strong I really was. I say I was strong because no matter what happened my spirit was not destroyed. There was a part of me that I protected from the abuse at all cost just like I protected my kids. That part that I protected ended up top be the seed of the new me, the me that would end up stronger and wiser then I could have ever imagined possible.
It is funny how we are always faced with the hardest things in life and yet we some how get through them and make it look easy. After having survived an abusive spouse you can stand strong in anything. You already know fear and stared it down and won. You already know intimidation and walked away. You fought and won the ultimate prize of all your freedom.
There is no challenge in life that can bring you to the point that an abuse spouse can. No one else could ever get away with what they did for so long. Now we rise victorious and celebrate a calm and quiet home. A home filled with the sounds of laughter and children’s toys. Enjoy your victory over the worst that could be thrown at you. Enjoy the peace of mind that comes with a calm house.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Saturday, November 11, 2006
A Brave New World
Back in the days of the great explorers they would set off into the unknown uncertain of what they would find when they got there. We I was in my abusive relationships the idea of getting out of them was very much like that.
I knew deep down that I needed to get out but the fear stopped me every time. The fear of what was out there. The fear of what would happen to me and more importantly what would have happened to my children if I left. I believed the county would take them from me and I would never see them again.
I believed she would come after me and cause me great harm. I believed all kinds of things that in the end when I did finally get out never happened. When the old sailors out they thought they might fall off the end of the world and that was a real big fear for them. They could not see past the horizon and they thought that was the end of the world.
Before I got out the boundaries seemed to be the end of the world and I would fall off if I left. I did leave and I found what they found a brave new world ready for me. I found everything I needed to build a new life, a happy life. Today things are good and getting better all the time. Face your horizon find your star and go for it and don’t look back. Your worst day in this brave new world will be better than you best day in you current world.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
I knew deep down that I needed to get out but the fear stopped me every time. The fear of what was out there. The fear of what would happen to me and more importantly what would have happened to my children if I left. I believed the county would take them from me and I would never see them again.
I believed she would come after me and cause me great harm. I believed all kinds of things that in the end when I did finally get out never happened. When the old sailors out they thought they might fall off the end of the world and that was a real big fear for them. They could not see past the horizon and they thought that was the end of the world.
Before I got out the boundaries seemed to be the end of the world and I would fall off if I left. I did leave and I found what they found a brave new world ready for me. I found everything I needed to build a new life, a happy life. Today things are good and getting better all the time. Face your horizon find your star and go for it and don’t look back. Your worst day in this brave new world will be better than you best day in you current world.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Friday, November 10, 2006
Lone Ranger
So much of the time I felt like the Lone Ranger because for the most part I was. I knew the experiences I had and I knew they were abuse by any definition. The hard part was listening to people tell me that it was not abuse because I was a man. If it had happened to a woman it would have been abuse and they would of be able to help.
This was and still is something that I find hard to understand. That those who spend so much their lives dedicated to fighting against domestic violence could do this. How could they look at me and say that just because I am a man I was not abused. I knew it went against everything they believe in.
We need to understand that abuse is just plain wrong. There is no reason why we should sit here and say it is ok for any group to be abused. Domestic abuse is not an issue that belongs to one group or another it belongs to everyone. It is a problem that we must all deal with and take a stance on. I have been one that is willing to take a stance and fight for the rights of all that have been abused.
We can leave, recover and move onto a healthy life. A life in which we find the happiness and the satisfaction we so richly deserve. We do not have to live in fear of being abused or live with the hate of the person that abused us. We can forgive those that hurt us because it frees us from our connection to them.
We do not forget what happened to us because it will keep it from happening again. It is about escaping the cycle of violence that has infected our lives and starting a new cycle, a cycle of happiness and yes even love. We have the right to be free of the pain we have known for far too long. We have a right to be ourselves and we must fight those that would profit from our pain for their own glowry.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
This was and still is something that I find hard to understand. That those who spend so much their lives dedicated to fighting against domestic violence could do this. How could they look at me and say that just because I am a man I was not abused. I knew it went against everything they believe in.
We need to understand that abuse is just plain wrong. There is no reason why we should sit here and say it is ok for any group to be abused. Domestic abuse is not an issue that belongs to one group or another it belongs to everyone. It is a problem that we must all deal with and take a stance on. I have been one that is willing to take a stance and fight for the rights of all that have been abused.
We can leave, recover and move onto a healthy life. A life in which we find the happiness and the satisfaction we so richly deserve. We do not have to live in fear of being abused or live with the hate of the person that abused us. We can forgive those that hurt us because it frees us from our connection to them.
We do not forget what happened to us because it will keep it from happening again. It is about escaping the cycle of violence that has infected our lives and starting a new cycle, a cycle of happiness and yes even love. We have the right to be free of the pain we have known for far too long. We have a right to be ourselves and we must fight those that would profit from our pain for their own glowry.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Dealing with Abuse
When I was in the middle of the abuse my means of escaping it came down to drugs and alcohol. They were my source of self-medication and allowed me to forget even for a short time the hell I was living in. As a child my life consisted of being beaten at home and at school and of course there was no safe refuge with other family members either.
You see I filled the role of the family whipping boy. I was the oldest of all the kids and that meant I not only got beat for the things I did but for what the others did as well. No matter what I was in the wrong and I would be beat for it.
I still remember the wide red belt my uncle used to beat me, the horse whip my mother used and the paddling boards the nuns used. The places I could go for safety were slim to none and there was no one I could tell because no one could be trusted. Dealing with the abuse that I experienced as a child was never easy.
I talked about it openly but talking about it did not make it real for me. It was a way to push people away from me because they could not be trusted. It took seeing my kids being abused by their mother before I could begin dealing with the reality of what had happened to me.
When I was 10 I had already been abused for 5 years and turn to drugs, alcohol and self-abuse to try and find some kind of escape. No one saw what they were doing wrong and there was no escape for me. I only sank deeper into my own hell.
It has been two years now since I finally climbed out of my own personal hell. Life is great now and getting better all the time.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
You see I filled the role of the family whipping boy. I was the oldest of all the kids and that meant I not only got beat for the things I did but for what the others did as well. No matter what I was in the wrong and I would be beat for it.
I still remember the wide red belt my uncle used to beat me, the horse whip my mother used and the paddling boards the nuns used. The places I could go for safety were slim to none and there was no one I could tell because no one could be trusted. Dealing with the abuse that I experienced as a child was never easy.
I talked about it openly but talking about it did not make it real for me. It was a way to push people away from me because they could not be trusted. It took seeing my kids being abused by their mother before I could begin dealing with the reality of what had happened to me.
When I was 10 I had already been abused for 5 years and turn to drugs, alcohol and self-abuse to try and find some kind of escape. No one saw what they were doing wrong and there was no escape for me. I only sank deeper into my own hell.
It has been two years now since I finally climbed out of my own personal hell. Life is great now and getting better all the time.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
The Holidays
The holidays are coming, rings a sense of fear into the hearts of almost anyone. It strikes terror into the hearts of others, especially those that have been victims of abuse. This is in part because the holidays are always filled with stress and can be very nerve racking under the best of conditions.
I always found that I was terrified of what would happen if thing were not just so. What was she going to do to me if the meal was not perfect or the house was not perfect. Would one of my family members make an issue about something she had done? By the time everyone would leave and the holiday would be over I would be ready to collapse from complete exhaustion.
That first set of holidays without the abuser in my home brought no relief. I was still in fear of reprisals and had an order for protection against her. I liked to put up decorations in the yard and could not do it because I was afraid she would steal them or destroy them. I still felt very much like a prisoner in my own home, unable to go holiday shopping because of I was afraid of running into her.
I sent the kids to their mothers for the holiday for their own safety. She was the first abusive wife but the kids were older now and had a safety plan incase something happened. Things were still too volatile here and I did not want them getting hurt if my current wife would come back and try something.
I stayed at home for the holidays and went no where. It was just my animals and myself and as much as I was alone, the funny thing was I did not feel alone. I ended up enjoying myself and feeling good about what had been going on. As much as I had been scared of reprisals I was still feeling very good about having walked away from the abuse.
I was doing something for myself and for my children, I was making our lives better. I realized in the silence that I had begun to heal from the damage that had been done. I still had a long way to go and I still did not realize that most people had not gone through what I had. It would be almost a year before that realization would come about.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
I always found that I was terrified of what would happen if thing were not just so. What was she going to do to me if the meal was not perfect or the house was not perfect. Would one of my family members make an issue about something she had done? By the time everyone would leave and the holiday would be over I would be ready to collapse from complete exhaustion.
That first set of holidays without the abuser in my home brought no relief. I was still in fear of reprisals and had an order for protection against her. I liked to put up decorations in the yard and could not do it because I was afraid she would steal them or destroy them. I still felt very much like a prisoner in my own home, unable to go holiday shopping because of I was afraid of running into her.
I sent the kids to their mothers for the holiday for their own safety. She was the first abusive wife but the kids were older now and had a safety plan incase something happened. Things were still too volatile here and I did not want them getting hurt if my current wife would come back and try something.
I stayed at home for the holidays and went no where. It was just my animals and myself and as much as I was alone, the funny thing was I did not feel alone. I ended up enjoying myself and feeling good about what had been going on. As much as I had been scared of reprisals I was still feeling very good about having walked away from the abuse.
I was doing something for myself and for my children, I was making our lives better. I realized in the silence that I had begun to heal from the damage that had been done. I still had a long way to go and I still did not realize that most people had not gone through what I had. It would be almost a year before that realization would come about.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
What to do?
We go through our days and think about what life is all about and what is our place in it. Why are we here and what am I doing with my life? There even time when we look back at the events of our own past ask, “What was I thinking when I…?”. Life is not about regrets for thing we could have done, should have done or would have done.
When you have children of your own, all you need to do is to look into their eyes and all those questions get answered. Well accept that one about, “What was I thinking when I…?”. We are here to teach our children to be the best people they can possibly be. We look around our world and wish girls had more freedom to explore every career.
We look at men and wish they were more sensitive and in touch with their feelings. The question is what are we doing about it? Are we giving our daughters toys that are traditionally boy toys or are we giving our sons toys that were traditionally girl toys? Or do just keep up the same old thing of wanting our daughters to be girly girls and our boys to act like a man?
When we raise our children we have a chance to instill in the next generation the qualities that we wanted in our generation. If we teach our children that girls cannot do this cause it is a man’s thing, we have betrayed our daughters. If we tell our sons that they must fight, be tough and hide their emotions we have betrayed them.
We condemn to live with the same sins we have had to live with and we have not moved anything forward. Reach changes comes in baby steps if it is to be meaningful change. We cannot expect to legislate what society views as normal, that is something that we teach our children.
If we teach our sons it’s ok to cook and our daughters it’s ok to work on cars, than we have made a change that matters. When I look back at what things and ideas of what was acceptable 20-30yrs ago. The things that we do today would not have flown in the least.
Our ideas and values have changed over the last 20-30 years. Men are now more sensitive than they were than and women are more masculine than they were. With it comes a change in mind sets that allow us to be us and not what others think we should be. Today you owe it to yourself to be true to who God made you to be. To be anything other than that is to live a lie.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
When you have children of your own, all you need to do is to look into their eyes and all those questions get answered. Well accept that one about, “What was I thinking when I…?”. We are here to teach our children to be the best people they can possibly be. We look around our world and wish girls had more freedom to explore every career.
We look at men and wish they were more sensitive and in touch with their feelings. The question is what are we doing about it? Are we giving our daughters toys that are traditionally boy toys or are we giving our sons toys that were traditionally girl toys? Or do just keep up the same old thing of wanting our daughters to be girly girls and our boys to act like a man?
When we raise our children we have a chance to instill in the next generation the qualities that we wanted in our generation. If we teach our children that girls cannot do this cause it is a man’s thing, we have betrayed our daughters. If we tell our sons that they must fight, be tough and hide their emotions we have betrayed them.
We condemn to live with the same sins we have had to live with and we have not moved anything forward. Reach changes comes in baby steps if it is to be meaningful change. We cannot expect to legislate what society views as normal, that is something that we teach our children.
If we teach our sons it’s ok to cook and our daughters it’s ok to work on cars, than we have made a change that matters. When I look back at what things and ideas of what was acceptable 20-30yrs ago. The things that we do today would not have flown in the least.
Our ideas and values have changed over the last 20-30 years. Men are now more sensitive than they were than and women are more masculine than they were. With it comes a change in mind sets that allow us to be us and not what others think we should be. Today you owe it to yourself to be true to who God made you to be. To be anything other than that is to live a lie.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Proving Grounds
Having been put down for so long and not having any sense of self worth the first steps in recovery were the hardest to take. The first steps being, deciding that I did not need to live this way. The idea that I deserved better was not even there yet. I just knew that the pain and the fear needed to end one way or another.
After the first abusive wife I tried to kill myself to end the pain and fortunately I was not successful in my efforts. Yet I did not learn enough from that abusive relationship or the next two after that. The fourth abusive relationship (3rd wife) as the straw that broke the camels back as it were. I had found my bottom and was ready to begin the long journey to a better life.
It was at that point that I entered the proving grounds. This is a shapeless expanse of time in which I begin to prove to myself that I am. Walking away from the abuse and the abuser is so hard and requires a great deal of strength and courage. Give yourself credit for having taken that step. Just reading on how to recover from the abuse in and of itself is a huge step.
We all have our points when we are ready to start a new and begin the building process. I never knew what life was like without being abused by someone. So it meant walking away from everything I knew and believed to be true and most importantly real.
Entering the proving grounds meant proving everything to myself. It did not matter what anyone said to me, I needed to prove to myself that what I was being told was real. The world I was leaving was so very different from the one I was entering that it seemed the rules of physics had changed.
I was entering a world in which I had no references to draw from. A world, in which abuse is not a way of life, a world in which love and kindness was what people strived for. A world where I had an opinion and people asked what I thought. The proving grounds proved that I was a real person and I really mattered. In the end, the only one I had anything to prove to was myself and I did.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
After the first abusive wife I tried to kill myself to end the pain and fortunately I was not successful in my efforts. Yet I did not learn enough from that abusive relationship or the next two after that. The fourth abusive relationship (3rd wife) as the straw that broke the camels back as it were. I had found my bottom and was ready to begin the long journey to a better life.
It was at that point that I entered the proving grounds. This is a shapeless expanse of time in which I begin to prove to myself that I am. Walking away from the abuse and the abuser is so hard and requires a great deal of strength and courage. Give yourself credit for having taken that step. Just reading on how to recover from the abuse in and of itself is a huge step.
We all have our points when we are ready to start a new and begin the building process. I never knew what life was like without being abused by someone. So it meant walking away from everything I knew and believed to be true and most importantly real.
Entering the proving grounds meant proving everything to myself. It did not matter what anyone said to me, I needed to prove to myself that what I was being told was real. The world I was leaving was so very different from the one I was entering that it seemed the rules of physics had changed.
I was entering a world in which I had no references to draw from. A world, in which abuse is not a way of life, a world in which love and kindness was what people strived for. A world where I had an opinion and people asked what I thought. The proving grounds proved that I was a real person and I really mattered. In the end, the only one I had anything to prove to was myself and I did.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Self Respect
What is self-respect any ways, it seems like everyone is always talking about it. For me self-respect is about taking care of you and loving yourself. It is feeling good about yourself and about what you are doing. What I also know is that it is something that was so foreign a concept for me when I was wrapped up in abuse.
My role in life it seemed was to always be the recipient of abuse by anyone that needed to dish out the abuse. When I was a child it was my mother and other relatives handing out the physical and emotional abuse and of course lets not forget the babysitter and the sexual abuse.
When I grew up I was raped by a gal I knew and there were two attempted gay rapes. Then I got to deal with three abusive wives. I thought that my life was about being abused and that was all there was to it. I even abused myself when there was no one there at the moment to do it, it was normal.
That is not self-respect by any measure under any circumstance what so ever. The first step towards self-respect was to recover from the drugs and alcohol that I used to escape the pain. The second thing I did to build my self-respect was to build a relationship with a God of my understanding.
That was very hard as I needed to get past the anger at him for putting me through all of the abuse. The third thing I needed to do was to remove the third abusive wife from the picture and anyone else in my life that was negative. From that point on I screamed from the highest peak that abuse is wrong and that men do get abused.
After two years of therapy and dealing with every aspect of the abuse that I endured I am finally feeling some sense of real self-respect. I have found a love in someone that understands what I have been through and has been supportive of my recovery. The final thing that I have to do for myself and my own self-respect is to not be silent.
I have recovered from the abuse and I am building a positive life for myself. I want to share with others how I did it so you can do it, too. You can do it. You can recover from the abuse you suffered and have a happy life filled with joy and happiness.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
My role in life it seemed was to always be the recipient of abuse by anyone that needed to dish out the abuse. When I was a child it was my mother and other relatives handing out the physical and emotional abuse and of course lets not forget the babysitter and the sexual abuse.
When I grew up I was raped by a gal I knew and there were two attempted gay rapes. Then I got to deal with three abusive wives. I thought that my life was about being abused and that was all there was to it. I even abused myself when there was no one there at the moment to do it, it was normal.
That is not self-respect by any measure under any circumstance what so ever. The first step towards self-respect was to recover from the drugs and alcohol that I used to escape the pain. The second thing I did to build my self-respect was to build a relationship with a God of my understanding.
That was very hard as I needed to get past the anger at him for putting me through all of the abuse. The third thing I needed to do was to remove the third abusive wife from the picture and anyone else in my life that was negative. From that point on I screamed from the highest peak that abuse is wrong and that men do get abused.
After two years of therapy and dealing with every aspect of the abuse that I endured I am finally feeling some sense of real self-respect. I have found a love in someone that understands what I have been through and has been supportive of my recovery. The final thing that I have to do for myself and my own self-respect is to not be silent.
I have recovered from the abuse and I am building a positive life for myself. I want to share with others how I did it so you can do it, too. You can do it. You can recover from the abuse you suffered and have a happy life filled with joy and happiness.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Saturday, November 04, 2006
I'm Free
Today I am free. Free to live my life and to enjoy it and all that fills it. Today the abuser has no control over me or my life. When I left the abuser and the abuse behind I started a new life and abuse has no place in it. I alone decide my fate as I grow stronger. I alone decide to find peace within myself and forgive myself.
With each day I heal a little more than the day before and I grow stronger than ever. Today my life is calm and peaceful because the abuser is no longer a part of my life. I do not have to live in fear of what they might do as I used to.
Today is a new day and the beginning of my new life, a life of freedom and I happily claim my new life. I do not allow myself to be controlled by anger towards the abuser. I know that what they did was wrong and nothing anyone says will ever make it right.
Today I know that if I live in anger towards them, they still are in control of my life and what I do. I need to focus on me and not them. I need to be building a life for myself and for the kids that I have. I do not need to be reliving what happened everyday and building a prison that I cannot escape, a prison that only the abuser can free me from.
In freeing myself from the prison of reliving the abuse I give myself permission to live. For the first time in my life it is ok to live for me and to do the things that I want to do. I do not need to seeks others approval or permission either. I claim my power and my freedom.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
With each day I heal a little more than the day before and I grow stronger than ever. Today my life is calm and peaceful because the abuser is no longer a part of my life. I do not have to live in fear of what they might do as I used to.
Today is a new day and the beginning of my new life, a life of freedom and I happily claim my new life. I do not allow myself to be controlled by anger towards the abuser. I know that what they did was wrong and nothing anyone says will ever make it right.
Today I know that if I live in anger towards them, they still are in control of my life and what I do. I need to focus on me and not them. I need to be building a life for myself and for the kids that I have. I do not need to be reliving what happened everyday and building a prison that I cannot escape, a prison that only the abuser can free me from.
In freeing myself from the prison of reliving the abuse I give myself permission to live. For the first time in my life it is ok to live for me and to do the things that I want to do. I do not need to seeks others approval or permission either. I claim my power and my freedom.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Friday, November 03, 2006
Our Children
As a parent our first instinct is to protect our children from all that can harm them. In my case I felt for a long time that I had failed them in that regard. I let their mother have them and they ended up being abused and it was very hard to live with. Then for a long time the very relationships I found myself getting into also became abusive. My kids learned what it was like to see both their parents get abused over time.
They learned without realizing it that abuse is a way of life and the many different ways to be abusive and controlling. My job now is to help them unlearn what they have learned by watching what has been happening. It is a hard thing to do because they do not understand what is going on. For so long all they saw was the hitting, hating and the put-downs. All the usual things we associate with abuse and now we announce that it is wrong to do what we allowed others to do.
It has been hard to teach my kids that abuse is wrong and I have had to deal with it every day. Slowly and at time painfully slowly they have learned that abuse is wrong. There are two things that we can do to help make it easier on them and us. One is to be consistent with what your saying and the actions you choose to back up what you are saying.
Two by the relationships with people that we bring around our children. If we choose to have healthy relationships they will see that just as much as they saw our unhealthy relationships. I am not suggesting running out and getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. What I am saying is that any relationship we have around the children, be it friends, family or a significant other needs to be a healthy one.
By healthy I mean one that demonstrates love, respect and consideration for others. Positive relationships that everyone benefits around. Not the one were we sit around complaining about the abusive person that is no longer there. If the abusive person was the child’s other parent than talking badly about around the child will hurt the child. They have been hurt enough already and we do not need to add to that trauma by venting around them.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
They learned without realizing it that abuse is a way of life and the many different ways to be abusive and controlling. My job now is to help them unlearn what they have learned by watching what has been happening. It is a hard thing to do because they do not understand what is going on. For so long all they saw was the hitting, hating and the put-downs. All the usual things we associate with abuse and now we announce that it is wrong to do what we allowed others to do.
It has been hard to teach my kids that abuse is wrong and I have had to deal with it every day. Slowly and at time painfully slowly they have learned that abuse is wrong. There are two things that we can do to help make it easier on them and us. One is to be consistent with what your saying and the actions you choose to back up what you are saying.
Two by the relationships with people that we bring around our children. If we choose to have healthy relationships they will see that just as much as they saw our unhealthy relationships. I am not suggesting running out and getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. What I am saying is that any relationship we have around the children, be it friends, family or a significant other needs to be a healthy one.
By healthy I mean one that demonstrates love, respect and consideration for others. Positive relationships that everyone benefits around. Not the one were we sit around complaining about the abusive person that is no longer there. If the abusive person was the child’s other parent than talking badly about around the child will hurt the child. They have been hurt enough already and we do not need to add to that trauma by venting around them.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Holidays
The holidays are quickly coming upon us and we have already faced Halloween. When I faced my first holidays without the abuser it was hard and I felt very alone. It was because in fact I was alone. I had revolving Holidays with the mother of my kids and the set of holidays that I was free of my abuser collided.
I was unsure what to expect or even how I was going to get through it. The abuser had managed to isolate me from everyone I had known. I had had fights with all my friends denying the abuse was happening as they said it was. Now, I was alone with only the company of my pets to keep me company.
With the kids gone the house fell quiet and a calm fell across the house. I was afraid that the abuser would come back and attack me and I was afraid that she would follow through with her threats against my kids. What I feared the most was the silence that fell upon my home as that was never a good sign. This time the silence brought no harm only calm.
I did not know how to handle it and that was the scariest part. I ended up getting a couple of movies and some frozen pizzas for my Christmas dinner. I spent Christmas with my dog and three cats and we relaxed for the first time in many months. For the first time I felt I could breath and begin to let go. I was not hiding and I was not afraid, either. Each holiday after that would get better but the first years holidays are always the hardest to get through. Morn the loss and than build new traditions that don’t revolve around the abuser.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
I was unsure what to expect or even how I was going to get through it. The abuser had managed to isolate me from everyone I had known. I had had fights with all my friends denying the abuse was happening as they said it was. Now, I was alone with only the company of my pets to keep me company.
With the kids gone the house fell quiet and a calm fell across the house. I was afraid that the abuser would come back and attack me and I was afraid that she would follow through with her threats against my kids. What I feared the most was the silence that fell upon my home as that was never a good sign. This time the silence brought no harm only calm.
I did not know how to handle it and that was the scariest part. I ended up getting a couple of movies and some frozen pizzas for my Christmas dinner. I spent Christmas with my dog and three cats and we relaxed for the first time in many months. For the first time I felt I could breath and begin to let go. I was not hiding and I was not afraid, either. Each holiday after that would get better but the first years holidays are always the hardest to get through. Morn the loss and than build new traditions that don’t revolve around the abuser.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Peace of Mind
The most wonderful thing we can experience in our day is peace of mind. Lord knows we have dealt with enough people giving us a piece of their mind. The peace of mind that I am speaking about comes from knowing that you did your best today. Once we leave the abusive relationship we need to leave the abuse behind. That can sometimes be very difficult, especially if it has not been all that long ago.
There was always someone there to tell us that we did not matter or that nothing we did was good enough. Now that we are not in the abusive relationship we need to change the way we think. It is all too easy for us to fall into trap of abusing ourselves because the abusive person is not there any longer. This is a trap that we can get out of by understanding that today is all that matters. By understanding that we can only accomplish so much in the limited amount of time we have in any given day.
We can give ourselves permission to not complete everything and still be ok with who we are. It is hard at first but it does get easier to do as we gain distance in time and sometimes space from the abuser. We do not have to be hard on ourselves and we can love ourselves for who we are. It does not matter what others think of us but it does matter what we think of ourselves.
This is something that will change each and every day because we heal a little bit more each day. That healing changes who we are and how we see ourselves. The first step to healing and to peace of mind is to know that it was not our fault we were abused. We did nothing to deserve the abuse we suffered each and every day. In time the peace of mind will come from know that you are a special person worthy of being loved for the wonderful person you are. Enjoy some peace of mind with the knowledge that as I have recovered from abuse so will you.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
There was always someone there to tell us that we did not matter or that nothing we did was good enough. Now that we are not in the abusive relationship we need to change the way we think. It is all too easy for us to fall into trap of abusing ourselves because the abusive person is not there any longer. This is a trap that we can get out of by understanding that today is all that matters. By understanding that we can only accomplish so much in the limited amount of time we have in any given day.
We can give ourselves permission to not complete everything and still be ok with who we are. It is hard at first but it does get easier to do as we gain distance in time and sometimes space from the abuser. We do not have to be hard on ourselves and we can love ourselves for who we are. It does not matter what others think of us but it does matter what we think of ourselves.
This is something that will change each and every day because we heal a little bit more each day. That healing changes who we are and how we see ourselves. The first step to healing and to peace of mind is to know that it was not our fault we were abused. We did nothing to deserve the abuse we suffered each and every day. In time the peace of mind will come from know that you are a special person worthy of being loved for the wonderful person you are. Enjoy some peace of mind with the knowledge that as I have recovered from abuse so will you.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
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