I'm Breaking Free

Love is Never Easy

2011-05-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

In so many ways love is the hardest thing of all to live with. You want so much for the person you love and any time things fall short you feel like you have let them down. Love fills every part of you and does not let go and no two are ever alike. It does not matter how many relationships you have had in the past or what they were like. The one you find yourself in now is not like any you have ever been in before.

I am not the person I was before and I do not act like the person I was before today. I will never get it all right all the time. Yet the funny thing about love is that you both want to and know it does not matter. Love allows you to go beyond that which you see to that which you feel and fear rides high in the saddle. Fear to hold and fear to lose both run wild most days and you have to learn to ride that wild horse and tame that fear.

Only the Divine knows why two people are brought together and it is their job to be the best they can be for the other. Only they know what that best is and it is rarely what we think it is. For myself the best my love can be for me is to be my love. The love of another is the one thing that I have missed for so long in life. It is that love that feeds my soul and frees me to dream and sore to heights I had never imagined possible. No greater gift could I ever receive and have received it in full measure. I can only hope that I am able to give to her that which she needs most from me in the same amount.

Keep the dream alive and you will remain alive.
Dale

What is Love

2010-05-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

It is hard to deal with love when it has been denied for so long. When you have someone that loves you there is always the fear in the background. Will this be really different from others in the past. How do you wxpress love to someone that loves you back when no one ever loved you back before. How do you not screw it up, it is hard scary stuff and something that I will need to face. Keep smiling and looking to the sky.

Head to Heart

2009-04-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

Having been in relationships where I have been abused by my wife the hardest thing is to trust that you can find someone that will not repeat the past. It is not a matter of what they will do rather it is a point of what I will allow and how I have grown. If I change who I am and I choose not to allow the abusive relationships of the past to define me then things will change. The longest part of the journey of recovery from abuse is from the mind to the heart. So long as I remain in my mind I relive the past and the abuse of the past will continue. It will define me for as long as I choose to allow it to. It has now been five years since I was last in an abusive relationship.
I took a couple of years for me to make the journey from my head to my heart. In making that journey I learned a lot about myself and my role in the relationships of the past. I learned to let go of the pain and to stop allowing it to define me and to stop being a victim. For as long as I was a victim the abuse defined who I was and who I could be. The abuser still controlled who I was and who I would become. I grew tired of giving them that power over me and I came to understand that nothing I did or did not do would change who they were and how they chose to deal with things.
I could only change myself and how I chose to look at life and the people that I chose to allow close to me. In doing this I finally began to do something I never thought I could do again and that was to begin living. I slowly began to define who I was and I did not allow others to do that for me anymore. Finally I have been able to come to a point in which there is room for unconditional love for another. This is a huge change for me and the direction my life. For the very first time I am able to accept someone into my life and want only for their happiness. I can know the joy and happiness in the simple idea that I could bring happiness into another’s life. This is nothing short of a miracle and my hope for all others that are recovering from abuse that they will find the happiness and love that is out there for them.

Time for Healthy

2008-11-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest thing to figure out after years of being abused is, what defines a healthy relationship. One of the things I have figured out is that I can now spot an unhealthy relationship and I have been able to avoid them. Finding a healthy one has proven to be more of a challenge. I know that I will never find someone that does not have issues, that is just impossible.

This is because everyone has issues, what does matter is how we choose to deal with them. Do we face them and work through them or do we run from them and take it out on the people in our lives. If someone is able to deal with their issues either by themselves or if they can ask for help, it is a good thing. It means that there is growth even when it is painful at times. Recently I celebrated 26 years of sobriety and recovery. It has been 26 years of dealing with my issues and learning to live with myself and love myself again.

A time of learning that abuse does not mean love and that I do not deserve to be abused by anyone. No one ever does deserve to be abused in any way shape or form. It is a challenge to go forward and look at the world and find the hope that a healthy relationship is out there for me. In the last few weeks I have finally opened myself up to the possibility of being able to have a happy, healthy and romantic relationship. For the first time in many years I am able to look at a wooman and not ask is she going to be the next one to abuse me.

That is growth and progress and I am excited about that becuase it means that I can look at having a real and healthy relationship without bringing any bagage with me. I am sure there will be moments when I will feel scared and that is ok and I am able to put it in God's hands and allow him to deal with it. Life is truly good and I feel truly blessed to have the life that I have. No matter what I have been through in the past, I am able to be a kind and compasionate person that genuenly cares about people and is willing to help all those in need. That was something that all those that abused me could never take from me and that is my victory.

A Reflection

2008-05-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Life has been good to me and I casn honestly say that I have no real complaints. Granted there are things that did not go the way I thought they would and that is just life and how it goes. I find that so long as I am making good choices for myself and my life, those around me benefit from them as well. Usually because I am happy and enjoying life and I spread that happiness to others the same way I spread my unhappiness when I am unhappy.

I am in another class and I am being challenged on many levels. It seems that there is a guy that likes to argue every point and that can be a real drag. I have come to a point in my life when I am not interested in fighting with amyone about anything. Fighting takes away from the things that have real meaning and value. So long as I take things one day at a time I will be ok and life will be good. Well I am off to another adventure of another day. Thank you God for all the blessings you have given me and for all that I have yet to receive.

True Friends

2008-04-25T01:26:00.000-07:00

It is said that life is what we make it and I have found that to be very true. It is a reflection of the choices that we make no matter if those choices have been good or bad. Today my life is far better becuase the choice I am making are far better than I used to make. That is not to say that I do not wakeup with my head up my butt once in a while. I am by far much picker about the class of people that I allow into my life than I used to.

Today I only allow those in my life that respect me and their actions match what comes out of their mouth. I have no time for BS or drama in my life. I have all kinds of room for those that are caring and sensitive to their own needs and the needs of others. Today I choose to allow those individuals into my life that share my values and beliefs. They are true friends and they know who they are. They are people that I would and have stand and have stood by through good times and bad times. Not because I have to rather because I want to because they matter in the grand sccheme of things.

We are born into a family and let face we do not always like our families. We choose our frinds and we need to to choose wisely. The real friends are the ones that you never have to wonder if they will be there. They are also the ones that you do not take for granted. I am grateful for each and everyone of those that I choose to call friend. Life is good and getting better all the time and for me that is saying a lot. There are very few people that have stayed with me through all the rough times and can now enjoy the good times. They deserve to for they believed in me, even at times when I did not believe in myself. Thank you God for good friends and may their lives be blessed as much as they have blessed mine.

Life is Good

2008-04-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

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Better Days Ahead

2008-04-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

Life is something that is very interesting to watch and getting involved in aint so bad either. When we leave ourselves open to the miracles that happen every day to those other peole that happen to us as well. Lord knows, forcing solutions never works and only cause more hurt and frustration than you can ever imagine possible. Yet to relax and find the rythm of the universe sets you free to join the flow of all that is good.

In that flow you find happiness and contentment along the way. I am not sure how to tell anyone how to get there. It is like telling someone how to 'let go and let God'. I could never figure out how to tell someone how to do that either. I just know that with enough prayer and meditation it just happens and than you find yourself in the flow and everything good you deserve comes to you. Life is truely a wonderful experience to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest.

Once the abuse stops and we have gained distance from the people that did the abusing we ahve to take the next step. That step was thwe hardest one of all for me, even harder than not getting into abusive relationships and that was to stop abusing myself. I have been told that in the absence of the abuser the abuse victim will abuse themselves. I think that is because I did not know any better and I associated abuse with love. It took time for that idea to change and a lot of hard work on my end. It was and is very much worth the effort to stop abusing myself and learn to love myself and see what happens. So far so good. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Happy Days

2008-04-13T02:13:00.000-07:00

I longer I find myself outside of abusive relationships the happier I am. This is not just about not being abused it is also about the choices I am making and the positive things that are coming into my life. When I work on my relationship with my Higher Power and making it stronger my life get better. When I am working on my life and attracting positive things into my life through positive thoughts and actions, my life gets better.

It seems that every day get better and yet I know that the moment I allow another abusive person into my life it will all be gone. I have to keep the focus on my Higher Power and the positive life changes that are happening to me. These things are important and form the foundation for a better life for me and for the people that I care about. So many things have been going well and I feel so very blessed with each and every day. Life is because I choose to make it a good life. I have finally come to the realization that abuse is not love by any means.

Self Acceptance

2008-04-03T01:11:00.000-07:00

I want people to accept me for who I am and the question is do I accept myself for who I am. I like to think that I do as I am sure that most people do think they accept themselves. I believe that for the most part I do accept myself and I know that today I certainly accept myself far more than I have ever done before. It is a mark of personal growth to be able to look in the mirror and know that you like the person looking back at you and dare I say love them as well.

I have come to a point in my life when I no longer feel the need to prove myself or justify my actions to anyone. I am me and I am free to live my life, the life I have chosen to live. It has been a long time coming and I have earned that right and I am not going to be apologetic about it in the least. I am having a lot of fun right now working on little projects around the house and getting things fixed that have been waiting far too long. One step at a time and it will all get finished and of course there is the danger that I will tear it all out and start all over because I have changed my mind.

This is the benefit of having left all the abusive relationships behind me and while at this moment I am not involved with anyone I am enjoying my relationship with myself. It is something that I have never done before. I always felt that I needed to be with someone or I was unloved and unwanted, destined to be alone the rest of my life. That lead me to many unhealthy and abusive relationships that not only hurt me, it hurt the people that I cared about most, my kids.

Today I can find myself getting to know myself and accept who I am and I am enjoying this time of my life. I have already spent the last 20 yrs justifying and defending my actions and I am sure there will be people that will still question the way I raised my kids and that is their problem and not mine. The things I do now are things that I find relaxing, recharging and bring me happiness and I feel good about what I am doing. I have plenty of free time and I am getting things done that I have been meaning to get done. I still need to work on balancing my projects and free time so they flow better and everything gets covered. It is getting there and I have time to work on it. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Domestic Violence and the Web

2008-03-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

In recent times a new venue has come about for committing acts of domestic violence and that new venue is the Internet. The laws that protect us from those that would abuse us are worthless when it comes to the Internet. I have seen many people being attacked relentlessly by their abusers and while all are in agreement that it is sick and that the intent is to be abusive, there is nothing that they can do about it.

This must bring great comfort to the abuser as they move forward each day destroying the live of the people they target. Like cowards hiding behind trees or in the shadows they hide behind the "Freedom of Speach" clause of the Constitution. A recent Supreme Court ruling has upheld the right of racist groups to have websites dedicated to their message of hate as a protected form of free speach.

I do not believe that the justices in their great wisdom nor our founding fathers ever intended to include acts of domestic violence as protected free speach. This is a fight that I am now taking up and only God knows where it will take me and what challenges that i will face because of it. It is something that I decided yesterday and since than I have already been contacted by someone that committed suicide because of this. They were relentlessly attack for a prolonged period of time and was isolated because of it.

No one could help her because the laws allowed it to happen. All they could do for her was to tell her, 'you don't have to look at it'. Finally in death she has the peace that she wanted in life and no one could give her. Her abuser won because what they were doing was completely legal and protected. Any action by her would have resulted in charges being brought against her and she would have lost.

Blogs and the many websites out there are meant to inform and provide entertainment. We should not allow the web to become a 'safe zone' for those that would abuse others. If we allow that to continue than the more they know the more we will become victims of their abuse. There will be no way to stop they and all the 'Orders for Protection', no contacts orders, harassment or restraining orders will all be meaningless. Those that are currently victims of abuse will remain victims as there will be no place to hide and they can be haunted and attacked no matter where in the world they go to hide. Someone will find the blog dedicated to destroying them and believe what is said and turn on the victim and isolate them.

Our laws as they are written give the abuser complete and total control over the lives of their victims. This cannot be allowed to continue and has to stop for the sake of all those that have been victims of domestic violence.

Divine Order

2008-03-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that everything happens when it should, in its own time and place. I know that I can get myself into a great deal of trouble when I try to force solutions and out comes. Life just does not work that way and it never did, I just did not know that at the time. I have been enjoying life in ways I had not before and that is something new for me.

There have been a lot of positive things going on in my life at the moment and at times it is just as overwhelming as when the bad things are going on. I simply keep in the back of my mind that I can only do one thing at a time and I am sure that I will get through it all just fine. Divine Order is described as events happening in God's time and not my time. Divine Order is events happening when the timing is right and as the say in comedies, timing is everything.

My Higher Power is able to see around corners and beyond the horizon to what will be and what will not be. Simply because i want something now does not mean that the timing is right for it to happen now or that it is the right thing for me. I have learned that by trusting God and Divine Order I often times get things that are far better than I had ever imagined possible because at the time my ability to imagine positive things was limited. I am sure that even today my ability to imagine the positive things coming into my life is limited by my own fears and doubts. It is getting better and I do feel loved every day, thank you God. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Choices

2008-03-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

Each and every day we are given a choices that need to be made. I like to think that I make the best choices I can at the time. I may feel differently an hour later, a day later or a year later. The thing is that i made a choice and I have to live with the results of the choices I make. I do not regret the choices that I have made, I do regret the way others have chosen to react to choices I have made. It makes it very hard when someone reads into the choices their fears and beliefs when those things were never on your mind to start with. I have to always keep in mind that I am only responsible for my actions and not others reactions. Have a great day all and God bless.

Reflections

2008-03-16T03:17:00.000-07:00

It has been almost four years now since I left the last truly abusive relationship I was in. And while and the impact that they things have been bumpy from time to time and things happened that I did not understand, my life is much better. I look back to those days now and wonder who that person was and how I could have allowed myself to get into those types of relationships. It has also been almost a year and a half since I last dated anyone more than once.

I know that even though I have grown and changed in many ways I am still marked by what had happened and I always will be. The scares will always be there and I will always have to deal with them and the impact they will have on my life. To say that it has made me gun shy about being in a relationship is an understatement and yet it is something that I am looking forward being able to do. I have spent the last four years working on myself and working on healing and I am making progress.

I can look out and see the sunshinning and enjoy the sounds of the birds singing again. Life seems to slowly becoming something that reflects normal (whatever that is). I am looking at things I used to do and starting to get back into them again. Some of them things I have not done in almost twenty years. So much is changing and it is great and I thought this moment would never come and yet here it is. Thank God. Thank you God for all that you have done for me and for all the blessings in my life. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Immigrants

2008-03-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

Today as in so many other days I hear people talking about immigrants and how they are destroying this great country. The thing is that I want to sit down and cry when I hear them talk like that. My grandparents escaped Warsaw just as the Nazi's were invading Poland and barely made it out alive. My mother was the first one born in this country in my family and I was the first grandchild born in this country.

I have heard all this talk before and than it was aimed at us and our culture. There were all the Polish jokes and the insults that came with each day. People looking down on you becuase you were not yet one of them. It was as if you have to be in this country for so long before you could be considered part of it. My mother was a Wave in the Navy my father a SeaBee, my brother in the Air Force and served during the first Gulf War, flying missions in and out of Iraq. I served in the marine Corps and I believe that we are Americans either by birth or by choice.

I watch the immigrants that come today for the same reasons my family came before, for a chance at having a getter life for their kids and their grandkids. They worked hard and made a life for themselves and I see too many other people that want to ahve things given to them because they are owed something. Today I look at the economy and I see it going down the tubes very quickly. In most countries today a dollar is now worthh about 50 cents and we are told that that is a good thing.

Our money is worthless, our homes are worthless and be are being encouraged to fight between ourselves. During the civil rights movement we crossed color and ethnic lines to fight for civil rights for all. They devided us into fighting for our rights at the expense of others rights and in the end we have all suffered. Those that have had the power have raped this country of everything that once made it great, we stood united against anyone that would attack us. Now we stand divided fighting over the bread crumbs that are thrown our way, hoping to gain favor.

We have lost our sense of identity and self respect for not only our neighbors but for ourselves. How could we allow this to happen to us? It is something that has happened over the last 30 yrs and it will end only when we end. Immigrants, lets be honest with ourselves. If your are not an Native American you are either an immigrant or the descendent of an immigrant. They as all immigrants were willing to die for what they believed to be a great place to be. What are we willing to do to keep this a great place to be? Can we manage to get off the coutch and vote or volunteer in our community, hell can you take the time to get to know your neighbors?

Have a great day all and God Bless?

Immigrants

2008-03-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

Have a great day all and God Bless?

Serenity

2008-03-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

Even the word sounds calmiing and relaxing. It means to be at peace, with yourself, God and the world around us. It is something that is hard to achieve and yet is more valuable than diamonds or gold. To be able to relax and not feel stressed out or filled with anxiety is a hugh blessing in and of itself.

For me it is about giving up the idea that I have some control over the people, places or things that are going on in my life. The reality is that the only thing I have any control over is myself and that is limited to my actions and my reactions. How do I look at the world and my place in it? How do I react to the things that people do?

These little things are all so very important and add up quickly. It has been said that the devil is in the details and that is such a true statement. It is when I worry so much about the details that I forget about the big picture. If I do not stress out over every little detail it is amazing how much better things can go. In order to have serenity in my life I had to surrender and let go of the things that caused me to worry and feel stressed. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Another Day

2008-03-10T00:29:00.000-07:00

I have been workign hard with school and another class is coming to a close today. I have been finding myself watching the stock market as of late and watching what has been going on and the way people are reacting to it. It has been a very strange thing as there seems to be a complete disconnect between what is going on and the way people are reacting to it.

It almost reminds me of the story about how to boil a frog, you turn the temp up slowly and he never notices he is in danger. Things have changed in many ways and no one seems to notice. The dollar is worth about 50 cents, people are loosing their homes and now having to choose between food and fuel. We seem to be being held hostage in our own country by the things we value most and I am wondering what it is we value most.

I had read stories of people giving up their homes to keep their credit cards and cars. If you have a family how can you possibly value your credit card over the home your family lives in. Have our values changed that much that we have become slaves to credit cards and value them more than those we love? I hope that that is not the case and that we are there for our families as they will need us more thsn ever in the coming months. If the market continues to slide and the dollar continues to slide we will be in for a very rough ride and it will tsake years to recover from it. God Bless and have a great day all, love yah

Missing in Action

2008-03-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

I have been missing in action as of late and that is because I have been busy with action. Life has been good and I am feeling very blessed with the direction my life has been taking. Work and school ahve both been going well and I am feeling very good about both. It is hard to believe that I have been on the job for almost a year now and it seems like I just started. Guess that means I am enjoying what I do and the people I do it with.

It is amazing the blessings that pour into your life when you step aside and allow your Higher Power to do what he does best. When I allow my Higher Power to his job my life goes great and that is important every day. As I watch the world seemimgly spinning out of control, I find myself wondering just how bad does it have to get before people wake up and realize it. It is starting to look like the story of the frog in a pot of water, turn the temp up slowly and he sits there happy while being boiled to death. It make the things going on in my life seem all that much more wonderful and I have a lot of peace about that. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.

Morphing

2008-02-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

In my life I have seen and done many things. Some I have been proud of and other well not so proud of. I have been afraid to live life to the fullest and I am finding that I have been changing for the better. Embrassing life and all it has to offer, without fear of what may happen. This is a different and oftentimes scary place to be and yet I have worked hard to get here.

After all the abuse I have suffered over the years it fel very good to be able to look forward to what life has to offer. For the first time I am spreadign my wings and taking flight, feeling the wind on my face and the warmth of the sun on my back. Enjoying the view from high above the trees soaring and riding the winds.

Only God knows for sure where this journey is headed and I am enjoying the ide to where ever it takes me. Change only comes from within and nothing outside of me can change me, only I can change me. No external force can control my emotions, beliefs, thoughts or action. I change them with the guidance of my Higher Power.

Funny Things

2008-02-09T01:52:00.000-08:00

I have found so often when I go through life and try to force solutions to problems I end up more frustrated and feeling blocked than anything else. I have also found that when I am able to let go and let God things just seem to fall into place without any real effort on my part. I still do the things that I need to do and more importantly I allow myself to be open to what God is trying to tell me.

If I close myself off with fear and distrust, I will receive fear and distrust in return. If I open myself up to happiness and abundent blessings I will receive them. It has been proven in my own life over and over again that what I put out I will get back. It is just at times I have a hard time remembering that little fact. It is something that I am working on and I have been opening myself up for something new inmy life, healthy relationships.

The funny thing is that I am now being blessed with all kinds of healthy relationships and it feels good. They have to be healthy in not only how the other person approaches it, it has to be healthy from the way I approach it. The more I make healthy choices in how I deal with my relationships the more others make healthy choices in how they deal with their relationship with me. Funny how that all works out, lol. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Abundent Blessings

2008-02-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

Each day brings abundent blessings that we need to be grateful for. At times I know I have a hard time seeing the blessings in my life. When those days come I seem to run into a chronic alcoholic or a homeless person. I see what they are going through and I remember that it was not all that long ago that I was in their shoes. Then the fog of my mind clears and I am more able to see the things going on in my own life.

The blessings we get each day come in a wide variety of things like the open packing spot in a full packing lot and it is even close to the door. There are so many things to be grateful for and yet I wonder how many people stop to think and acknowldge just how blessed they really are. I knwo that when I get busy with all the day to day hustle and bustle of the day I can easily forget the blessings in my life. I wonder if that is what thwy mean when they talk about stoping to smell the roses along the way. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Friends

2008-02-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

They say that birds of a feather flock together and I have found that that is very true. I can choose to flock together with people that have always done thigns the way I have always done them or the way I want to do them. That is a choice. A choice between being the person I have always been or the person that I was meant to be. At times I have found that I have allowed events to overwhelm me and drag me down.

If I am the friend that I want to have I will have that kind of a friend. The laws of attraction speak very clearly on this. I will attract to myself everything that I give out and abundently. If I want to have good friends and have a lot of them I have to be that kind of friend to others. If I want to attract positive energy into my life than I have to give away the very same positive energy. Life is complicated though not so complicated to be able to figure out the what I put out I will get back. It may not come from the person, place or thing that I gave it away to but it will come back in some form. Have a great day all and God Bless.

Close Door Open Window

2008-01-27T04:56:00.000-08:00

It has often been said that when a door closes and window is opened. That statemwnt speaks volumns to the many aspects of our lives. No matter what we are doing or hope to be able to do we cannot do them until we stop doing something else. That is something that is true in all aspects of our lives jobs, relationships, frames of mind and any number of bad habits.

I had to be willing to move away from abusive relationships before I could move toward healthy relationships. That is a big change going from relationships where you are beaten down physically and emotionally to ones that are kind loving and supportive. I do not think that any one relationship can withstand the challenges that come from making that big a change in life.

I think rather it is something that is accomplished over time and many diferent relationships. Each one allowing you grow a small amount and learn that the new feeling are ok and not something to fear. I think if you tried to make that big a change all at once you, the other person or both would explode. It would also be unhealthy to place that much on any one person. Have a great day and God Bless, love you all.

Changes

2008-01-25T00:21:00.000-08:00

We all make changes in our lives for many different reason and in the end there is only one good reason to make changes, they are needed. They say that there is only one constent in the universe and that is change. When we make changes in our lives they need to be changes that we feel we need to make. To make changes becuase it will make someone else happy is simply wrong and it means we are not being true to ourselves.

I am that which I am in a room alone with the lights out. No one to see me and no one to impress, just me and my Higher Power. He already knows who I am and what I am capable of doing and being. I am the one that does not know the answers to those and many other questions. So today and each day I strive to be the best person that I am capable of being. The interesting thing is that that whole idea changes with each day so in the end I am always growing and changing, hopefully for the better

I have seen people make changes just because they thought someone wanted them to make changes. They ended up being abolutely miserable and left feeling trapped in a body thatw as not theirs. I blieve that in order for changes to be permanent they need to be real, honest and true to your true nature. Have a great day and God Bless, love you all.

Super Heros

2008-01-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

In life I have made choices that at the time seemed to be goo choices and we all do this every day. For a long time I played super hero, running around rescuing people from whatever crisis they found themselves in at the moment. The only time when that was ok and healthy was when I was working on an ambulance crew and it was my job to rescue people.

What I have learned is that in rescuing people from their problems, I have caused both them and myself more harm than good. I harmed them because they were denied the chance to learn the life lessones they needed to learn at that point in their lives. IN turn they were condemed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until they actually learned what they were supposed to learn in the first place.

The other side of the coin is that I hurt myself as well by not dealing with the issues inmy life that I was afraid to deal with. I used someone elses problems to escape my own and I was forcedto deal with them sooner or later. If I am taking care of my own issues and allowing other to deal with their issues, life goes so much smoother. I have found that since I stopped rescuing others my life is much saner. I can relax in the evening without getting a phone call from some whose life is falling apart.

I can allow someone to take responsibility for their life and their actions and it is ok, I do not feel guilty in the least. I live my life the way God wants me to live it and I need to allow others to find their path in life. Sometimes it is hard to allow it to happen, especially when it is a loved one. Yet, they have to learn their life lessons as well as anyine else. It has been hard letting go and allowing them to make their mistakes and it is also nice when you watch them rebuild their lives based on what they have learned. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Going Up

2008-01-17T23:35:00.000-08:00

Life has been going very well and I ahve been very happy with all that has been happening in it. When I allow God to drive this car called life it is amazing what can happen. Going through life we think we have control over people places and things. The reality is that we only have control over our own thoughts, feelings, actions and of course our reactions. Some days it is hard to remember that and when we forget it, we get ourselves into trouble.

We end up hurting the people in our lives that matter the most to us and that includes ourselves. By taking things one step at a time and one day at a time, miracles happen because we remove the barriers that prevent them from happening. In the Bible Jesus says that it is the fathers great joy to give us life and to give it to us abundently. Yet so many times we get in the way of this happening. I know that I have done that in the past and I am working hard at not allowing that to happen again.

In think I know better than God about what is in my best interest I close myself off from what God knows is inmy best interest. By letting go and allowing God to fill my life with all the blessings he has in store for me, I make life great. In this way I am moving up in the world and in my life. I have opened the door for all the blessings that God has for me and I am enjoying them flowing into my life. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Springs Coming

2008-01-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is rtight spring os coming and not a moment too soon. Winter is coming back to visit again this weekend and I am certainly not looking forward to it. I so do not like the cold and yet I know that it serves it purpose in the grand scheme of things. God has blessed me and my life with talents and friends that have kept life intersting and filled with joy and happiness.

It has been a lot of work to rebuild my life after my last abusive wife left. I could not full breath easy until I found out that she left the state and than I could finally allow myself to relax. I have spent the last few years working hard and applying the 12 steps to my life and allowing my life to be transformed. Today I can say that the people I allow into my life bring nothing but positive elements to it.

Each person in my life today is a blessing from God and has brought joy amnd happiness into it. That is a far cry from what my life was like before, when I lived in fear of what the abuser would do to me or my kids. Today I can say that those thoughts are no longer a part of my daily life and it feels real good to be able to say that. I kow that if I apply the 12 steps to all aspects of my life I can have every positive thing I could possibly handle or want. The peomises come true because it is God's wish for us to have live and to have it abundently.

No one can come into my life and destroy what I have built, unless I allow them to. Today I do not allow anyone to destroy my life. Today I can make choices and feel good about the choices I am making because today I know that they are made out of love and not fear. I have been living alone for a while now and I am not afraid to be alone, which is also a sign of growth. My life is in the hands of God and I cannot think of a better place to place it. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Fears

2008-01-13T00:14:00.000-08:00

I sometimes think of going out and trying my hand at dating and than recoil at the idea. I have been hurt so much in the relationships of the past that I have found that I am very much afraid. It seems hard to belive because it has never been a problem in the past and now something is missing and I do not know what it is. I have signed up for a class at church so I do not isolate myself from the rest of the world because it is something that I am very capable of doing.

I know that if I am every goingto be able to date I will have to be able to get past the cumulative hurt. No one relationship has caused this, it is rather the sum total of all the relationships I have had over the years. I am still looking at my life and seeking out the paterns of the past in hopes of learning something about myself. I believe that if I do that I can gain an insight into myself and learn something that will help me have the life that I have always wanted.

A life that I have denied myself because I did not think I deserved it. It is a hell of thing at 46 to re-evaluate your life and start over. There are so many thing that I have missed out on and an honest, open, loving two sided relationship is one of them. My fear at this point is that I am to jaded by the past to open up to the possiblities of the future. Will look at the next person and wonder what will they be the next one to be abusive. Do I dare let down my defenses and if I am unable to will I just end up alone.

Change is a good thing and I have my faith to guide me through all this stuff. In my heart I know that everything will be good. The fears exist in my mind and it is a ,atter of getting my mind and heart on the same page. That is something that I am sure will happen in time. Buildnig a new life is something that is going to take time and patience, I have the rest of my life to do it. Each step is scary because I am trying to change many things and in the end I have no idea what will happen. Right now I have fears and I am still happy with my new life even if I don't know where it is headed. lol Have a great day all and God Bless and love you all.

What we can handle

2008-01-12T00:21:00.000-08:00

IT always seems to amaze me at what I can handle when I ask for God's help, everything always changes. It also never surprises me that God knows I can handle far more than I think I can handle. The last few weeks has brought a challenge that at times has been very hard to deal with and that is learning to relax and enjoy life. You see I have always been one that was always on the go (ADHD).

At times it drives me crazy all this slowing down stuff and yet I know that it is something that I must learn to do. Life is not a race but a long walk and one that should be enjoyed to the fullest. I have found that in my race through life I missed a great many things that were very important. Things that I always thought would be there when I had time and than only to find they were not. In slowing down I can not only smell the flowers, I can also enjoy the fragrence they provide.

My body is getting the message about slowing down and now I am working on the mind, it still races. Peace and happiness come from within and there is nothing external that can give to you or take it away from you. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.

Something New

2008-01-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest thing that anyone ever does is to leave an abusive relationship. I know that that was true for me because I was so filled with fear and doubt. I was afraid of my own shadow and afrraid that they were right, that I could not make it without them. It took a great leap of faith for me to step into the unknown.

When I took my kids and left the relationship I had been in there was no support from any agency and we had to go it alone. That only added to the fear, doubt and uncertainty because now I had to fer loosing my kids as well. What I found was that with each choice I made for myself and my kids , I grew stronger.

Each thing I did to take care of and provide for my kids and myself helped me grow. I slowly over a period of time grew stronger and more confident in myself and that made a huge difference. I was no longer under the control of the abuser and I was building a new life for my kids and myself. I knew it would be the perfect life and I was going to do everything I could to make it a safe life.

This journey brought something new into my life, me. I began to see how strong I really was and how much I could and would do for my family and for myself. I allowed God to guide me through this journey and he gave me everything I needed to get through it all. HAve a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Divine Purpose

2008-01-06T02:19:00.000-08:00

What is a Divine Purpose? Is it the same for everyone or different? We each have our own personal Divine Purpose in life and that is something that we discover in communion with God. When we stop and look at our lives we being to see that certain things come more easily than others. God gave us each a gift that is ours and ours alone and our purpose in life is to share that gift with everyone.

For some it is music, photography and for others it is helping with taxes or being a shoulder to lean on. When we do that which we were intended to do we have all the riches in the world. We have the inner calm that comes from doing what we know is right and the love and affection of those around us. No amount of material goods could ever erase or replace the love and affection that you give and receive from those you love.

How many of us walked away from our Diovine Purpose to chase material things? The big paycheck, status, a big house or a luxury car all come at a cost and was the cost worth it? If we are following our Divine Purpose we will still gain great sucess in whatever it is we are doing because it comes easy and it is fun. We may even achieve some of the material things along the way the bonus is that we know we are doing what we were meant to do and we are enjoying our lives along the way. Are you living your Divine Purpose? HAve a great day and God Bless, I love you all.

Choices are Fun

2008-01-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

It is a good thing in life to know that you have choices, it is a sign that you are on the right track. I know that when I screw up my choices get to be very few very quickly and that is never a good thing. It is important to remember that we always have choices to make and they will always revolve around our values and intentions.

In being in recovery from drugs, alcohol and being abused, I learned that I always had choices to do the right thing or make things worse. The only thing that stopped me from making good choices was fear. Fear of what would happen to me or the people that I cared about, if I made the right choice. If I left an abusive relationship would I fall flat on my face and loose my kids or would it be better to stay and let my kids see their dad being abused.

Maybe if I did the right thing she would change and it would get better. Fear ruled my life for so long and controled all aspects of my life. "What if", became the prision that I lived in and many people I truly loved paid a heavy price for the prision of my life. Yet as my faith grew and my understanding of God changed, I grew stronger. I learned perhaps the most important lesson of all and that is that with God I am never alone.

This knowledge helped me grow even stronger, strong enough to push fear to the side. When I could finally push fear aside I was able to have a clear head and make good choices again. I allowed people into my life that I could trust and that brought something positive to the table. We all have issues and problems and the choices we make can make them better or worse. I hope that our faith guides us in making good choices and that or fear will no longer be able to enslave us. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

What do we see?

2008-01-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

When we look at others, what do we see? When we look at material things, what do we see? When we look at a church, what do we see? When we look at ourselves, what do we see?

Do we see things that are positive or do we see illusions based on what others say we should see? If we see a new car, is it simply a means to get you from one place to another or is it a means to be cool, successful or happy? When we look at a church is it a place that helps us feel good about ourselves and our connection to God or is it a place that tells us we are not good enough to deserve God's love?

When we look at others do we see that they are one of God's children and deserving of being treated as one of God's children or do we see someone that is undeserving of love and worthy of our condemnation? When we look at ourselves do we see a child of God, made in his image, perfect in every way or do we see all our flaws and short coming and loath ourselves as being unworthy of God's love.

We are made in God's image not the other way around. Jesus said we can do all the things he did and more if we only believe. Yet we only place limitations on ourselves and what we are capable of doing. As children of God, made in his image we owe it to ourselves to remove all the limitations we place on ourselves and live our lives as intended. We can all walk on water, calm the storm and heal the blind, if only we believe. We can also be healed if we only believe we can be. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

A New Year

2008-01-01T03:19:00.000-08:00

What will this new year bring? Will it brin closure to the events of last year or will they continue into the new year? Will we start something new this date that will change our lives forever or just continue with what we have been doing all this time?

Wew have the power to change our lives each and every day and yet we focus all our attentions on this day. Something about the first day of a new year that encourages us to start a new and fresh. Only God knows for sure what this new year will hold in store for us and we shall have a wealth of options available to us. What will we do with them all? HAve a great day and a Blessed New Year.

A Blessed Day

2007-12-27T23:40:00.000-08:00

We each have our mission in life and we seldom realy know what it is and yet we often think that we know. If we kept a log of what we thought our mission in life was everytime we thought we knew, we would have a couple of notebooks filled by mid-life. I have come to know and understand that what God wants for me is to be the best example of his love that I can be.

I know that some days I will fall short and some days I will get it right. I also know that he will always put me where hee needs me to do whatever it is that he needs me to do that day. I may not be sure of much else most days, I am sure of that. All I have to do is trust him and know that he put me in this place at this time for a reason. Than if I do my best to be the best person I am capable of being his mission will be filled. I may be there to teach someone or I may be there to be taught by someone else, either way I am there to learn something about me and what I am capable of.

It is the times that try us the most that we learn the most about our ability to learn, grow and love. Remember when we were kids and having growing pains, they hurt like hell. Why would the events of life that help us grow be any different, they will hurt like hell and we will grow from them and be a better person for having gone through them. All of these things make everyday a blessed day. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Another Day

2007-12-27T00:16:00.000-08:00

We have a chance to give and keep our words each and every day. We say we value honesty, do we show we value honesty by our words and actions. If I tell someone that I am going to do something or not do something than I have a responsibility to do it.

One thing I have learned is that our actions always demonstrate our true intentions. So if I say I intended to do something and did not that my actions show that I intended not to do it. How many people do we know that actually keep their word to us and how much do we trust them and how close a friend are they? Is it also not true that we all know people that 'intend' to keep their word but something always comes up? They are not people that we tend to keep close to us and include as part of our inner circle.

Our actions speak voulmns for us. They speak about our values, beliefs, hopes and dreams. They demonstrate to all that which is important to us and how important it is to us. Anyone can talk the talk it takes someone of real character to walk the walk. Well have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

The Day After

2007-12-25T23:43:00.000-08:00

The party is over and the family and friends have returned to their homes. We are returned to the rality of the day to day life when we start getting ready for work. The thing that is most important in life starts with our relationship with our Higher Power, ourselves and than our family and comes our friends. Life is really good and I am enjoying every moment of it and looking forward to what God has planned for me.

Today is a gift from God, that is why it is called the "present". That makes everyday Christmas because everyday you have a gift to open and see what you have been given. Like any gift you may think it is too big, too small, the wrong color or it is just not you. Yet it is just the right gift to be given at just the right time and just for you, from your Higher Power. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Best Christmas

2007-12-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

As Christmases go this one has to rank as one of the best. I spent it only with those that are closest to me and peace reigned through the whole thing. There were the normal sibling rivalry kinds of things but that happens every day. The Lord blessed me with being able to have all the kids home for Christams and while they were not able to be there at the same time, they were here and that is all that mattered.

I spent a couple of days with a dear friend and her kids and I felt very comfortable with everything that happened. I had fun with the kids and go to watch them open their gifts. I even got the best gift of all, I was able to have a civil conversation with my brother and I was not only able to wish him a Merry Christmas but also a Happy Birthday as well.

It was a small step and I am hoping that it is one that will lead to more conversations in the coming months and years. Everything I could have dreamed of having received for Christmas I did receive. Thank you God for blessing me with so much. In the last few weeks I chose to re-evaluate my life and my priorities and I was unsure of what was going to happen. If the events of the last few day is any indication I know without a doubt that I ahve made some very wise choices and that the new direction my life is headed will be filled with happiness and joy. Merry Christmas to you all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Twelve

2007-12-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. What is a spiritual awakening? For some it comes on suddenly and is a profound moment of 'aha' and the light comes on and suddenly everthing is clear. For others it is something that comes on slowly as and they just suddenly realize that they have changed their entire life.

Being in recovery means I have to be available to help and support anyone that is in recovery or wanting to be in recovery. It is in giving away the things that I have learned that I continue to grow and it keeps the program alive and well in me. I have to also apply the priciples of what I ahve learned in my recovery to everything that I do. The principles I devlope while in recover keep me sober and I will stay sober only when they are applied to every aspect of my life.

It has meant that I have turned my back on my old life and the way I used to live. I have never turned my back on any one person because that would not be right. Yet if I am going to remain sober and have serenity I have to set boundaries for what behavior will be acceptable and what will not be. My life used to revolve around chaos and having to solve everyines problems. If there was no chaos in my life I was lost and did not know how to function.

I can tell you from experience that having kids provides me with all the chaos I am comfortable with these days. Over the years I have learned that I am the only one that can work my program of recovery. I cannot expect other to work it or live by it. In helping others find their path to recovery it is often a painful job because you do not want to see others get hurt. You have to allow them to fall and pick themselves up again. Learning the live a sober life is like learning to walk all over again, you are going to fall and you will pick yourself up again.

It is my old life and life choice that got me drunk or stoned and it is those very same things that will get me drunk or stoned. I have no choice but to walk away from the past and make a new life for myself. Today that life that I have is one filled with peace both internally and externally. I do not try to solve others problems or fix their mistakes for them, they have to do that for themselves, it is how they will learn. Today chaos is the holiday seaon or bath time, trying to cook a meal with a kitchen full of kids.

Those are then only acceptable kinds of chaos because those are the normal run of the mill chaos. The moments that actually build positve relationships and memories. No matter how rushed and chaotic things got at home, I remember all the times my kids tried to help me cook in the kitchen. So far 7 out of the 8 kids that have been a part of my life have helped me cook in the kitchen and it will be a few years before I will be able to teach her.

When I got the program it became clear that I had to change all aspects of my life and that took time and I did it and I have no regrets for having done it. I have gained far more than I ever lost. The people today that are a part of my life are people that make it better for having been a part of it. They add to the joy and happiness of each day. Have a great day and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Eleven

2007-12-17T23:54:00.000-08:00

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. This a very powerful statement and is has a very large impact on our daily lives. We get so wrapped up in the drum beat of each day that we so often time forget that which is most important in life.

It is said that freedom comes from self awareness and self knowledge and that is something that goes back thousands of years and yet we forget it every day. In this step we turn our focus to getting to know what God wants for us. The God of my understanding want me to be happy and he has his profound ways of teaching me things that no one could possibly teach me. I have as of late been re-evaluating the priorities in my life and the direction that it has been going.

I start each day with prayer and meditation and I end each day with prayer and meditation. I want to know what God wants for me and at times it is really hard for me to figure it out. I have learned over time that there are certain things that are guide posts to knowing if what I am doing is God's will or my will. The first is that things seem to fall into place in ways I could never have imagined possible and it all comes easy. If I am following my will road blocks pop up all over the place and I have to fight to gain an inch.

The next guide post is that when I am doing what God wants me to do I feel at peace with myself and the choices I am making. There is no internal conflict and I do not feel stressed over it in the least. When I am not doing God's will I am very stressed, short tempered and my stomach is in knots. I am overwhelmed and a basket case and certainly no fun to be around.

The next guide post is my happiness level. If I am doing God's will I know a real and honest happiness. This is a happiness that comes from the inside and radiates out for all to see and all the little things that would normally stress me out, don't. If I am not doing His will for me than I paint a smile on and go about my day feeling anxioous and depressed, sure that I am being punished for something I have done wrong.

The final guide post is the sleep factor. When I am doing His will for me, I sleep like a baby; soundly and deeply. When I am not, the blanets end up in a ball by morning and I tired as hell the whole next day. I have to do what is His will for me and that does not mean it is His will for anyone else, just me. In looking at my values and priorities of the last twenty years I have placed a lot of energy into chacing the brass ring and feeling frustarating because it kept getting moved.

While I was there for my family I wasnot there for them as much as I could have been and needed to be. My eyes were opened by someone that I love very much and is a large part of my life. One look was all it took to open my eyes to what I had been missing out on all these years. Since than I have resigned from driving cab, being the chair of the neighborhood association, vice-president of the neighborhood coalition, retired from politics and I have closed the doors of my business.

These have all been things that were a big part of my life and it is time to let them go and see what else God has in mind for me. I am still in school and I intend to finish that and I do still have my job and things are going very well there. I have had a lot of success in my life over the years and I have many great adventures. I have been places, seen things and done things that most people only dream of or fear. I am leaving my life and my heart open to God to fill it with all the love that he can.

I am will to go and do what he asks of me and I hope that in some way the experiences I have had over the years will benefit others and I know that it already has. I do not know where this new journey is going to take me or who will be a part of it. I just know it is time for a change and I have to remove the baggage that has been tieing me down so that I can grow in whatever direction I am meant to. There are people that are very important to me and they will continue to be important. I am moving forward and not looking back, bring it on, I am ready.

Have a great day all, God Bless and I love you all.

Step Ten

2007-12-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. This is something that is a very important and is called a maintance step. The first thing I need to keep in mind when thinking about this is that I am taking a personal inventory and not someone elses inventory. The focusis on me and what I am doing and that I am doing the right things for the right reasons.

This is the way I end my day by lookign at what I have done during the course of the day and evaluating what I am doing and why I am doing it. It is a time when I talk with God about what I have been doing that day and let go of the events of the day. I acknowledge when I did my best and when I fell short and look to see when I did something that may have hurt someone else. It does not matter if I intended to hurt someone else or not, the question is did I?

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The thing with intentions is that they are meaningless unless your actions match your intentions. I believe that if something is worth having it is worth working hard for and fighting for. My sobriety is something that I fight for and work hard for on a daily basis. Without that I have nothing. It is important to continually move forward and grow and taking a daily personal inventory is a critical part of that growth.

That personal inventory keeps that junk from building up and threatening my sobriety with resentments and other negative energy. My sobriety has to be real and honest and my daily personal invetories ensures that it stays that way. HAve a great day and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Ten

2007-12-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admited it. This is something that is very much needed in my daily life. If I am not looking at what I am doing and more importantly the reasons for why I am doing it, issues will begin to build up. I need to be able to be honest with myself about what I am doing and more importantly why I am doing what I am doing.

It is after all possible to do the right things for the wrong reasons, which makes it wrong. I try to be aware of what I am doing as I am doing it and catch myself right away. If I am wrong I try to catch it right away and go to the person and admit that I was wrong and it often times catches them by surprise. I also try to end my day with a look at what I have done over the course of the day.

Is there something that I will need to make amends for the next day? Did I do the thoings that day for the right reasons? Did I try to manipulate or control a person, place or thing that I should not have? Did I try to make someone change to what I thought they should be? If the answer to any of these questions is yes than I have to do something to correct it right away. Otherwise it will fester and grow into a resentmesnt that can get me drunk.

I try to be totally honest with people and that keeps the need for amends down. It is also helpful to the people I am dealing with to know exactly where I am coming from and what they are dealing with. I have learned that to have expectations of other only gets us into trouble and if I am honest with them my hands are clean. If I have expectations about what they will do than I am not being honest with myself and my hands are not clean.

I cannot place any expectations on other for how they will react to me or what I am doing. I have no control or right to expect a certain reaction to my actions. If I am doing this than that goes to the motivations for my actions and it makes it all wrong. My motivations have to be right for anything I do to be right. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Nine

2007-12-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

Made direct amends such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This is somethig that is very important and needs to be looked at seriously. In the last step we became willing to make amends and now comes the time when we actually do it, At this time having a good relationship with your Higher Power comes in very handy. For I have found that my Higher Power puts the people and the means in place forme to make amends in the most appropriate way.

This is going to be diferent for each person and they have to be dealt with as individuals. This is something that is important, after all you are not sending out a form letter apology and if you do you can be asured that it will be treated as such. For some people on your list all that will be needed is that they see that you are living a good and happy life. For others you may need to have a face to face to take responsibility for your part in what happend and leave it at that.

In other cases you may need to write a letter about how you feel and what you did and than never send the letter. I have known people that gave to charity to benefit others that were in a similar positon as those they have hurt. Some of the people we hurt we will never see again because we moved, they moved or they have passed on. We also have to be able to accept that for some people the hurt is so great that no amount of amends will ever be enough. It is sad because we have worked so hard to get to this point that it can be devistating when the door is closed in our faces.

In the end we are responsible for the things we do and have done. We are not responsible for how others choose to react to what we do. If someone does not want to accept our amends or that we have changed than it is on them and not on us. We cannot change how they feel or how they choose to react to what we are doing. The final thing is that we need to make amends to ourselves and that has been a stumbling point for a great many.

It is so easy to forgive others for anything they do and yet so hard to forgive ourselves for the things we did to ourselves. The reality is that if we cannot forgive ourselves for the things that we did, how can we really expect others to forgive us? In forgiving ourselves we do not make light of what happened or make excuses for what happened. We take an honest look at the events of our lives and take responsibility only for our actions and reactions. We are not responsible for what anyone else did as a result of anything that happened. We all have free will and we all make our own choices and that is sometimes very hard for us to remember. It is after all much easier to blame our actions on what others have done, 'I would not have done that if they did not do...'. We chose to do it and that is all there is to it, no one can make us do anything we do not want to do.

Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Eight

2007-12-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This is one that takes some tine to do and a couple of sharp pencils and a new notebook. When we create the list it can be a very long one and it needs to be. We need to look at everyone we hurt and if they are dead that is of no concern they go on the list ant ways.

This something that we do for our benefit and not the benefit of others. They are not walking around feeling the pain of what we have done, they are living their own lives and hopefully dealing with their own issues. When we talk about amends it is about taking reposibility for our part in the events that happened. How someone else reacted to it is not our concern, only what our part in it was.

The final part of the step is being ready to make amends to them all. That does not mean that we are going to have a party and invite everyone we have ever hurt and make amends to them all at once. Chances are we would not be able to walk out of the room, afterwards. It just means being willing to make amends and being open to the best way to do that. In some cases it may be a phone call or a face to face meeting over a cup of coffee.

For those that have already transitioned to a better place a letter, prayer or song (written by you) may do the job just fine. By being willing we open ourselves to all the possible ways to make the amends. We also open ourselves to the opportunities to come to us to be able to make amends. The person you want to make amends to most and have not seen in many years suddenly calls or walks into your life. By being willing you allow God to do his thing and provide for you the things you need to be able to make amends.

We also also have to be willing to accept that our amends will not be accepted because they are unwilling to let go. That is not on us and solely rests with the person receiving the amends. The final thing that we need to do is to look over the list and look for one name in particular...yours. Is it there? Are you willing to make amends to yourself? Are you willing to accept the amends and forgive yourself for the hurt you caused yourself? If it is not there you really do need to add it.

After all we are very quick to be critical of ourselves and even slower than anyone else to forgive ourselves. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

It's been seven years

2007-12-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

Seven years ago today an event happen that would send me in a new direction and change my life forever. Before this event I was a dreamer and not a doer and while I cared about others and had a strong faith it was not solid. I still heald back and was not willing to trust God completely. I was in my second abusive marriage and my life was a wreck and I lived in complete fear on a daily basis.

I had gotten custody of my kids and my than wife turned violent and everything spiraled out of control real fast. All I could do was try to protect my kids the best that I could and I spent many a night curreled up in a corner crying to God asking why I had to go through this. I was working and going to school in another town and I hit a racoon with my car and that was in the shop. It was now winter and I was hacking to hitch hike from Annandale to St Cloud (20 miles) to and from work every day.

Than the event happened my than wife decided that because I was not making enough money for her, the kids and I had to go. She threw us out into the street with no where to go and no way to get there. It was cold and dark and I looked up to God and asked, why? I found a place for my kids to go and I got a ride to St Cloud and went to a meeting. Than I stopped and decided to give up and turn my life over completely to God. Nothing I was doing was working and I had just lost everything.

I was now stand on a street, no kids, no home and no money. I had a job and I was in school and I was still sober. Over the next month I was able to see my kids twice and I was so ashamed for them to see their father homeless. I think over that first month I saw my kids for about 4hrs and unders my pareents supervision. To make matters wose my kids were with their mother and I had taken the kids from her two years earlier becuase they were being abused. I lived every day with the idea that they were going to use this to take the kids away from me and I would never get them back. I did find a place to live after that first month and I did get my kids back.

I just kept turning my life over to God and asking him to use me for his will, whatever that was and I would not question it. Since than my life has been a sieres of ups and downs and it has been heading up since.

1. divorced twice
2. married once
3. engaged twice, one ended in marriage and the other friends
4. built a home for my kids and I
5. finished two college degress
6. started a third
7. ran for public office 3 times
8. became an advocate for men that are victims of domestic violence
9. became an advocate for single fathers as single parents
10 graduated one kid from high school so far and one more to go
11. watched both my kids rent their own homes
12. learned to love again

Out of the darkest things come the brightest events. It has been a wonderful seven years and I would not give up any of it. I am truely blessed to have the people in my life that I do because God brought them to me and blessed me with them as part of my life. Thank you God. Have a great day all and God Bless you, I love you all.

Step Seven

2007-12-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

States, Humbly asked God to remove my short comings. The first thing I had to do with this step was to come to an understanding. That understanding was that humble and humiliate are not one in the same. At first I believed that I would have God was going to humiliate me during the process of removing my short comings. The second thing that needed to happen was the change of the idea that my character defects were not defects but short comings.

The difference is also rather profound in that a 'Character defect' indicates that I am broken and needing to be fixed. I was not broken and did not need to be fixed. A 'shirt coming' means that I have fallen short of my best and that I have fallen short of my own personal values. The final thing was to come to the understanding that I was not going to sit there with a shopping list and dictate to God, which short comings to remove now and which one to remove later.

We I humble mysefl before God I am simply acknowledging his ability to do things I could never dream of doing myself. It was the idea that I could do it all myself that caused me to be humiliated in the first place. Being humble carries no shame, guilt or pain with it. Acknowledging my humanity allows me to see my character defects as being short comings. These are not things that are wrong about me, they are traits and abilities that mean well and I allowed them to take over and cause others and myself harm.

Instead of being a positive in my life they became some distorted idea and heald me back from being as God intended me to be. By asking God to remove my short comings I admit that I do not have the ability to remove them myself and that I need his help. I in turnhand over the list of short comings that I know of and as I find more I give them to him as well. At first I thought that he would remove them all at once and I felt very disappointed that he did not.

I believed that my prayers were not being answered when in fact they had been answered all along. You see instead of removing them all at once and leaving me totally defensless he removed the ones that I was ready to have removed. As I grew as a person more and more of these short comings were able to be removed. My load became lighter for not having to carry all those short comings and that made it possible to grow even more.

I can only grow so much at any one time and if I want that growth to stick it needs to be slow growth. God understands that like a plant if you over feed or over water or give it too or too little light, you kill it. In that regards God is the master gardener and is keeping this plant alive and growing in the light of his love. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Six

2007-12-04T23:56:00.000-08:00

Where entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Defects of character was the only thing I saw when I first read this. It supposed ans re-enforced the idea that had been beat into my head over the years, that I was defective. Was I really defective and if so, why?

The things that I had identified in my 4th step were the things that defined who I was. Now they were being refered to as defects of character. It tiik me a while to come to grips with what this meant. I had allowed things to define who I was and shape how others saw me. These traits that I had for so long were in fact walls that I had built up for so long to keep people out and never let anyone get close.

You see if you allow someone to get close, they can hurt you and I had been hurt far too much in life already. The stuff that was in my 4th was everything I did not want to be any more and it was not what I wanted others to see when they saw me either. It was that realization that helped me come to grips with the idea of what character defects meant. It did not mean that I was a bad person only that my ideas about who I was and am have changed.

I had come out of my crysalis and was ready to spread my wings and fly. That gave me the willingness to turn my character defects over to God and to allow him to remove them from me. Some were gone right away and others took much longer. It is in coming to the realization that the old me serves no purpose any longer, that I am free to change. It is in understanding that the past does not define the future that I am free to live. It is know that God protects me from harm that allows me to love again.

My life is defined by what I do in the present and not by what I did in the past. I will always carry with me the lessons I learned from those character defects. It does not mean that I will carry forward those character defects. We all have the ability to change as a good and dear friend continues to remind me. Yet it can only happen if there is a desire to change. That desire comes from know you have character defects and you are willing to give them up. If you do not believe you have character defects, you have nothing to give up and no reason to change.

It took years to be able to trust God enough to become entirely ready. For the longest time I would only give him parts of my life but never the whole thing. Now, I can give him the whole thing and I am still entirely ready to have him remove all my character defects. HAve a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Five

2007-12-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

Admitted to God, to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. Ok what this isn't is when you have your head in the toilet saying, "God I know I was wrong to do this and I will never do it again." This is an important moment when we have a chance to let go of who we are as a drunk and make room for who we become as an alcoholic.

The first difference is that as a drunk we are still drinking and as an alcoholic we have found recovery. The 5th step for me was vert humbeling becuase I thought I was the absolute worst person that ever existed. When I finished sharingmy 4th step with a priest, he politly nodded and than asked me, "is that all?" Those three words sucked the wind out of my sail and sent my ego on a crash and burn into the ground.

They also sent shivers down my spine of hope that maybe I really was not all that bad. The important thing in doing your 5th step is that you are given a chance to let go of the baggage that you have been carrying around. That baggage can get you drunk faster than anything else ever will. That baggage also keeps you locked in a prison of your own creation and so long as you are in that prison you cannot grow as a person.

If we are going to make it in recovery and have real honest sobriety we need to be able to let go of the things we have done in the past. There will always be those that will always hold our past against us and there is nothing we can do to stop them or change them. The only thing we can do is change ourselves and that ability gives us more power in life than we can ever imagine.

For as we change for the better, those that do not want to change or accept or changes simply drop off in time. In letting go of the past we become reborn into the present and have the ability to become anything we want to become. This is the promise of recovery, that if you let go and let God, miracles will happen. This step gives us back our lives and allows us to have a fresh start and we deserve it after all we have been through.

Everything before this step is about building ourselves up and getting us ready to begin our new life free of alcohol and drugs. We have admitted the we cannot do it, that God can and that I will let him. We have taken an the best accounting of our past life as we can and now we are letting go of our old life. Understand that all the things we have done are still part of who we are it is just that they do not define who we will become.

That is somewthing that we have the freedom to choose for ourselves. We cannot change anything that happened in the past and we have no control over what will happen in the future. The only thing we have control over is how we act in the present and that will shape the future that we live. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Think a Minute

2007-12-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

Now, THIS is really fascinating - it's rather dazzling to see it presented this way. Scroll down...

I CERTAINLY THOUGHT THIS WAS ENLIGHTENING. BEYOND OUR SUN ... IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE.

ANTARES IS THE 15TH BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY.
IT IS MORE THAN 1000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY.
NOW HOW BIG ARE YOU?
------------------------------------------------------------------

NOW TRY TO WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND THIS.........

THIS IS A HUBBLE TELESCOPE ULTRA DEEP FIELD INFRARED VIEW OF COUNTLESS
"ENTIRE" GALAXIES BILLIONS OF LIGHT-YEARS AWAY.

BELOW IS A CLOSE UP OF ONE OF THE DARKEST REGIONS OF THE PHOTO ABOVE.

HUMBLING, ISN'T IT?

KEEP LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE.

AND DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!

Step Four

2007-12-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

Made a sesarching and fearless moral inventory. This has too be by far the hardestthing that anyone has to do. It wipes away all the false images of ourselves and we lay naked before God. In reality God already knows everything we have already done and I am sure he knows what will happen if we do not change course. The idea behind this is to clear out all the stuff and get it on paper.

By stuff I mean all the good and bad that wehave done in our lives tothat point in time. There are many people that never get through this becuase they cannot handle seeing what they have become as a result of the drugs and alcohol in their lives. We all have this image in our minds of who we are, the fourth step removes that false image of who we think we are and exposes who we really are.

This is a step that should never be done alone and it should always be balanced between good and bad. I have known many people that have gotten drunk over their fourth step. The moral inventory is only going to be as good as our morals at the time will allow it to be. By the time we are ready to do our 4th step we usually at the end of our treatment program and we have a solid support system to back us up.

By the time we are ready to finish treatment we have more than likely regained some of the moral values that we had lost and regained some of the honest wirth ourselves that we had lost. To me the fearless thing was the idea that I was going to be ok when I was done and that was important. There is a great deal of fear when you begin to realize the shear number of people that you have hurt over the years.

When you begin to realize the amount of pain that you have caused yourself and others there is a great deal of fear. Can you ever forgive yourself, will anyone else, will God? All is good and I can assure you that you are never as bad as you think you are. The reason we feel so bad about the things we have done is simply because what we have done goes against our core values. By getting in touch with this we are also able to identify with our core values and that helps us identify with who we really are and that helps us get back to the real person behind the mask. Have a great day all and God bless, I love you all.

Step Three

2007-11-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

Made a decision to turn our will and our live over to the care of God as we understood him. This is something that did not come easy for me and I struggled with it becuase of my lack of trust. For to me the God that I understood growing up was one of violence and he hated kids. This was hardly the God that I wanted to turn my life over to, I was crazy but not that crazy.

I needed to find a different God, one that I knew livedin my heart and not my head. This was a journey that would last for many years and take me halfway around the world. I had always been interested in the nature based faiths because of the respect that they and I shared for all life. Even though people had treated me very badly over the years I was never able to come to apoint were I hated them.

That by no means means I trusted them, that is an entirely different matter. I explored wiccan, shaminism of Central America and the faiths of many of the Native Americans to learn about the God that they understood. I have always knowm that God was known by many names and I always believed that God was both male/female, it just made sense that that was the case. Slowly I gained an understanding of a God that was loving and compasionate and that was something new for me.

I was still not ready to turn my will or life over to God because he was still responsible for what others had done to me in his name. Than after I had already been struggling with sobriety for a couple of years he apparently had enough and hit me upside the head with the proverbial 2x4. On Valintines Day 1981 I was in a head on colision and died on the scene. I would than have an experience in which I felt complete and total love as I have never felt before or since.

Aparently he was not done with me yet because he sent me back and I would climb out of the wreckage of my car and walk away without a scatch. Needless to say that everyone that saw it was blown away and I was clueless. It sent me on a deeper search because in that moment everything I had ever been taught about God, death and life after death just went out the window. It was as if God had hit the reset button and nothing made sense and I started my journey all over again.

I did not know where I was going or where I woudl end up. There was the Southern Baptist, various new age groups, wiccan, Native American, Assemlies of God, Catholic and the list can go on and does include Dowism, Budism and Hindu. I needed to figure out what happensed to me and what was going on. I still made bad choices and I still slipped and struggled with sobriety for another year or so.

The seeds had been planted and I knew that there was no turning back at that point. I would turn my life over piece by piece until I felt I could trust this new God of my understanding. I was changing and so was he and that took time and a lot of work on my part. God in reality neer changed only the way I saw him and his interactionin my life changed, I no longer held him responsible for the bad choices that others made.

I learned that I can love someone and not like what they do because they are different things. I have learned that the God of my understanding today can see around corners and has blessed me in a great many ways, too many to count really. My Higher Power (God) does not belong to any one church because no church is so big that it can handle all that God is. Today my God is one that I cannot define in human terms because they place limits on what God can be.

Today I know that God has a plan for me and while at times I wish I he would let me in on the secret. I am also glad that he does not tell me because I do like a good surprise now and than. In the end my belief in my new God of my understanding does not faulter it does change with each day because I change each day. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step Two

2007-11-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

This was another hard step to make because I felt betrayed by God. Having been abuse by my mother and uncle and moliested by the babysitter and finally abused by the nunes at school, there was very little room for faith. I believed in a Higher Power but it was certainly not the one that everyone around me seemed to belive in.

Their God seemed to get a nut off on watching kids get beaten and that was supposed to be a loving God. I was raised Catholic and to me that meant that guilt ruled my life and that everything was either illegal, immoral or fattening. I had a very hard time with the whole God concept and what it meant to me. The things Iw as being taught in my catacism classes did not make sense to me. That was because the things they said were supposed to be doing were not the things people around me were doing.

I grew up in a very intersting time and place and I saw things that to this day I do not understand why I had to see them. I grew up around people that survived the rampage of the Nazi death camps. I was for hand the damage to the soul of the racism of the riots of the late 60's. I could not make the separation between what was going on in Vietnam and my own neighborhood at that time.

Death and violence seemed to be everywhere and I watch people turn on each other and understood how dark we could be to each other. Yet I found some comfort in a Higher power that could create the beauty of a rose and the sweet taste of a freshly picked ripe black cherry. The Higher Power I identified with was more along the lines of the one the Native Americans followed. I would read about their God and how loving and nurturing he was.

I struggled for a long time to come to understand that my understanding of my Higher Power would change with time and grow as I did. They call it a spiritual awakening when you come to believe in a Higher Power. Foe some it is sudden and for others it is gradual. For me he had to kill me to get me to see the light and I was still stubborn about it. I explored many religions trying to make sense out the senseless.

The hardest part was the concept that my Higher Power could restore me to sanity. I had to first come to the understanding that I was insane to begin with. Than there is the matter of trusting him to make me sane. Being able to trust God after all I had been through in his name was not going to be easy. Everytime I heard those words, "God loves you" made my skin crawl and made me recoil in fear. You see the beattings I took as a kid by the nunes and the adukts that were supposed to love me were always proceeded by, "I am going to show you how much God love you".

To me God's love meant being abused by someone. How can you tust someone that wants to see you abused? It took years of trying to be able to give him parts of my life just to see what he was going to do with it. It would be a lifetimes work to learn to trust God to return me from the nightmare I lived in his name. Slowly I have learn to trust a Higher Power of my understanding. I will never trust the God they talk about in church because I associate him with the abuse that I suffered through ut my life.

God to me lives in my heart and not in any building. People I have learned do the most horrible things to each other in God's name. They believe that he will reward them for that as well. How can a God of unconditional love be proud of a mother that beats her kids or a nune that beats the word of God into you? Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Step One

2007-11-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

When I look at the first step I see hope for a better future for myself. That was not alwats the case though. When I first looked at it it was something I mouthed to get people off my back. It had no meaning to me because I knew it did not apply to me. The first step states, "We admit we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable".

Hell, I knew I could control the drugs and alcohol, I had been doing that for years and the only reason my life was unmanagable was because people refused to do what I thought they should be doing. The reality was far different than I had imagined it could have been. The reality was that I was a trainwreck looking for a place to happen. I was flunking out of high school, I had no concept of a healthy relationship of any kind.

I had lied to and manipulated everyone in life and was hell bent on a path of self destruction. I was self abusive and I had a violent temper that kept me safe on the streets. I became whatever I needed to become to stay alive and make it through the next crisis in my life. I felt no human connection to anyone and I had already seen more violence in my life than most would see in a lifetime.

I was hell on wheels and fought anything that anyone wanted to do for me becuase I trusted no one. I saw everyone as working an angle just to use me to get what they wanted and there were no exceptions. I had learned many hard lessons in life by the time I first looked at that first step. I was 18 and I was in a room of old drunks, what the hell did they know about the life I had lived.

My first meeting I was like a scared rabbit caught in a trap and I smoked an entire carton of cigerettes that night. There was only one person in that room that understood what I had been through and he had just been released from prison after serving time for murder. I never saw him again and it kinda freaked me out that he was the only one that could relate to me. I think that was the first moment that I understood that something was wrong, I mean really understood and not just mouthing the words.

It occured to me at that moment that if I did not change I was going to end uo where he was and I knew that was not what I wanted. I spent a lot of time doing a lot of soul searching while still trying to control everyone in my life. I even went through treatment and that was a joke. I had lived the hard life on the streets of the big city and these kids lived a comfortable mid western suburban life. They had never dug through the trash looking for food, they had never carried a gun so you could shoot back and stay alive.

The more I loearned about the dease and recovery the more I felt alone because there was no one that could understand what I was relating. They would shy away from me and recoil in fear when I talked about what I had expierenced in life, When I look back now I see myself on the brink and I could have very easily gone the other way. I followed a nature based faith of the Native Americans and in that I found what I needed to hold onto some sense of humanity.

Was my life unmanagable, yah I see that now and at the time I was blind to it. I thought I was in control of everything and everyone. Control is an illusion that tricks us into believing that we are God and that what we think really matters. In the end we are a piece of sand on a beach and while we impact the live around us we do not control the lives around us. The booze and drugs only allows us to think that as it draws into a death spiral that eventually will kill us. For some the lucky it is a physical death for others it is a mental or emotional death.

It has take years of very hard work for me to be able to feel human and to have a connection to people. Still to this day I allow very few people to get really close and they have to be damn special to be allowed that close. Yet through it all I never stoppe caring about people and wanting to help them. I am not sure if that makes any sense at all but it was the one thing that allowed me to stay connected ion some way to humanity. Well now that I have spewed, have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.

Recovery is Easy

2007-11-26T23:30:00.000-08:00

I have heard that statement made by people that to be kind have no clue about what recovery is. They read a book somewhere and now they have all the answers. These are individuals that have never had to take that walk and have never supported a loved one that has or is taking that walk. To be honest recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do and the most rewarding as well.

For those that have never steppedintot he world of recovery they think of it in the same way as starting your car on a warm spring day. You simply jump in, turn the key, drop it in gear and go. For me recovery is more like starting you car in December when it is below zero. Sometimes it starts and sometimes it does not. Sometimes you need jumper cables and other times a good friend to tow you home, lol Sometimes it starts and you have to feather the gas peddle for what feels like a lifetime to get it to stay running, cause you know if you take your foot of the gas it is going to die.

Even when you get it started, it still takes forever for it to warm up enough so that it will not die on you the minute you put it into gear. It also has to warm up ennough that the windows are clear and your coffee does not freeze. I other words recovery is never easy to start and it is even harder to maintian and just like starting a car in the winter once you have it running it is a grat thing.

I bothers me greatly when I hear people say that support groups for people in recovery keeps them weak. That is the farthest thing from the truth becuase you draw strength from the knowledge that others have gone through this and made it. Damn if they can do it so can I and when you do make it you have a responsibility to help the next person get to the point that they can make it.

Today I can look at my journey of recovery and know that it was all worth the effort. Even though there were days I never thought I would make it. At the begining I could not imagine going one day without getting drunk or stoned. Today I can and I can do it today becuase today is all I really have. I am grateful for each person that is in my life and value them and charish them for all they bring to it. Thanks everyone, hope you all have a great day and God Bless, love you all.

Family, Family on the Wall

2007-11-25T23:49:00.000-08:00

This holiday season as with all the others of my past brings with it the reminder that my family is distant. They are miles away geographically and a lifetime away in any other sense. You see my family is full of drunks and abusers and they never got over it or if they have I don't know anything about it. You see I ahve not gottent a phone call or holiday card from the in 30 years.

At one time I cared about why they were treating me the way they were. I sobered up and made something of myself and raised two kids that I am very proud of. Yet nothing has changed, they still want nothing to do with me. What has changed is that I no longer wait for that phone call or that Christmas card. Though there is still hope that some day they will be willing to accept me into their lives again.

What I do know now and it took me a long time to get here is that I am not responsible for the choices they make. I held onto the idea that this year it would be different for too many years. I got angry with them for far too long because their lack of contact punished my kids for things I did or they did. I think that was probably the hardest part of all, I could deal with the idea that they felt they still needed to punish me but my kids, that was a different matter.

At first I thought itheir lack of contact was because becuase of things I had done. Then I thought is was because of the fact that I had sobered up and they had not. Then it just no longer matter what excuse was used to justify what they were doing to my family. After years of hating myself and being angry with them, I realized that I was punishing my kids for what my family had done. I was just as guilty as they were in this area.

Today I am trying to heal that with my kids and hope that they will do better with their kids than I did in this area. My family is my family and I will always love them and I will always look in the mailbox this time of year to see if I got a Christmas card from them. My heart will always sink when there is no card from them again. What has changed is that I am no longer allowing them to destroy my holiday with my kids and the people in my life that I love.

It is about choices and this was a hard choice to make, to go on each year without them. You see I felt that I was turnign my back on them and felt very guilty about doing that. IN the end though I am responsible for the things that I do and not how others react to it. If they choose to never speak to me again that is their choice and I will live with it. I have been blessed with wondeful kids and people that I call my family.

I enjoy the holidays with the family I have, even if it is not the family I was born into. You see with the family I have I am able to be me. They love me for who I am and accept me flaws and all and I cannot ask for any better gift on any holiday. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.

What is Recovery?

2007-11-22T23:25:00.000-08:00

I have known people that simply do not understand what recovery really means. They think that if you stop drink, druging or get out of the abusive relationship that you have recovered. The in reality is only half of the equasion and in fact it is the easiest part of all. For those that have tried this approach and only abstain they still have a life that is filled with all the same problems and behaviors as before.

Some people may even think I am crazy by saying that abstaining is the easy part and in reality it really is. The hard part comes when we have to look in the mirror and see who we have become as a result of our abusing the booze or drugs. Who we turning into becuase of the abuse of another that we loved. We all create false images of who we are and that can be really hard to break through to allow the real me to get through.

With time and lot of work I slowly identify the things that I did that hurt those around me and the things I did that hurt me. It is important to do that and to make amends for having done it. Yet, for many the best amends will be in the form of changed behavior, in not continuuing to do the same things over and over again. When we are in recovery it is not enough to just stop drinking, we also need to change the way we think, deal with issues and how we deal with others.

We no longer have the ability to hide behind a bottle, a pill or an abusive spouse. If we continue to do what we have always done we will only have ourselves to blame for it. Looking in the mirrow and see what looks back is the hardest thing anyone can ever do, when done honestly. The bravest thing we can do is to take action to change what we see by allowing ourselves to come out from behind the mask that we have created.

The bravery comes in when we allow ourselves to be real with all our flaws and allow others to love us for who we are and not for who we pretend to be. This is recovery and it is really hard to do becuase you ahve to be honest with yourself and others. You cannot hide behind masks like others do, you have to be real. It in being real and honest that we recover the thing that means the most and that was the highest price paid for the abuse of chemicals or the abuse at the hands of another. Our selves, our own identity our own soul.

Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.

Prep Time

2007-11-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today we wrap up the week and get ready for tomorrow and all the activities that will come along with it. I am looking forward to having a little time off and being able to relax. I know that I will be cleaning and cooking and tending to all the last minute, I forgot to get this or that. I may even feel like puling my hair out at a time or two.

Yet this is all different the stress and anxiety of the day is about doing for the people in your life that you want to be there. I am excited because my son does nto have to work as originally thought and so both my kids will be home for Thanksgiving. It will be a day of travel and fun and enjoying the company of people that I both love and care about. People that hold a special place both in my heart and life.

I wish everyone the best that the day can bring as we all come together in gratitude for the people and events in our lives that keep it all interesting. It will be a fun day and thanks to all those special people in my life for being there. You guys mean the world to me.. Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all.

Wakie Wakie

2007-11-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

It is that time again, to wake up and begin a new week. It has occured to me that Thursday will be the first day I get to sleep in...mmmmmm The turkey will have to wait until 7 and I hope that I do not wake in a panic because I am late for work. I have been thing about the things in my life that I am thankful for and I would be here all day if I were to list them.

The first thing would have to be my friend and family and often times the lines between the two blures. They say that you can pick your friends but not your family and that is certainly true enough. Yet I have found that over the years we have two families. The one we were born into and the one we claim and they are not always the same. We allow people into our lives all the time and some I am glad that I did and others, well I am thankful they are gone.

For those that are in my life, they bring something positive to my life and I hope that I bring something positve to theirs' as well. The people in my life have touch my heart and made my life richer for their having been a part of it. That is a good feeling to have and to know that I have made better choices about who I allow into my life and who I do not. Those that we choose to call friend or family are those that have stood by our side time and time again when it mattered most. That is surely something to be grateful for, it is even better when they do not realize that they have been that in your life.

My friends and family are very special to me and I cannot imagine life without them and the joy and happiness they have brought into my life. Even when they have brough stress, anxiety or I just wanted to shake my head, it was still nice we they got it. You could be proud of them and what they have accomplished. We all face challenges and hardships and it is the special people in our lives that get us through the rough spots in life.

Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all.

Hmm...Weekend

2007-11-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

Well another weekend is quickly coming to a close and things have been very good this weekend. There have been some warm fuzzys and a few good hearts laughs at my daughters expense. She is learning to care for a 3mt old and is finding that it is not as easy as she thought. She learned her very first really important lesson about caring for a baby.

When a baby is sick and teething, apple juice is a no no. LOL She found out that you end up wearing the poo that comes flying out (explosively....think the Exorcist, only at the other end) LOL I can take heart in know that this is a lesson that she has learned all too well and I doubt seriously that she will be repeating it any time soon. Otherwise it has been a relaxing weekend as I was able to get my school work done.

I have to research a few things so I can get credit for classes that I have already taken, otherwise my schooling will go from one year to three. I am really not all that excited about going to school for another three years but if I do not have a choice, than I will have to do what I have to do. I know that in the end it will be worth it and I do have a stable job and in this day and age that is saying a lot.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving very much at this point as I will not be driving cab that day. Which will mean that that will be the first day I have had off since mid-May and I intend to enjoy it. Have a great night all and God Bless, Love yah all and thanks for being a part if my life.

These are some of my favorite songs

2007-11-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

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Mental Feng Mental Feng Shui

2007-11-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills
will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.

ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN!
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN.
Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN..
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE.
Spend some time alone.

Now that we have had our mental exercise for the day we can now all bend over and touch our toes...lol

Kids' duh

2007-11-17T06:22:00.000-08:00

My daughter was the last of the kids to move out and she had everything going for her. She was on my health insurance, free room and board and all she had to do was follow my rules. Heck I even gave her and her boyfriend rides when they needed it. Well the day after she turned 18 she moved out and into her own place and did not need my help any more. She has since learned that when you are 18 and even when you are still in school, if your not living with your parents they have no say in anything.

This is what she wanted until it happened and than the reality of what that means and the fantasy of what that means come crashing into each other in an ugly mess. Bodies flying every where and illusions of the carefree life of an adult, lies dead on the of the road. she has suddenly found out that being an adult and on your own means that you are totally responsible for your life, your choices and the results of those choices. Duh, like I did not tell her and I know that others here have also told her that, months ago.

The unfortunate thing is that we are all over the age of 30 and as we all know, our brains turn to muxh when you hit 30 and you just become dumb. I want to pick her up and make it all better and at the same time I know that if I do that she is never going to learn what she needs to learn. Right now she is angry at her ma and I, the school and I am sure that I have forgotten a few more. She will get over it and learn some important lessons about life. The first being that no matter how much you think you know, life does not go the way you thought it would. HAve a great day all love yah and God Bless.

Self Deception

2007-11-16T23:10:00.000-08:00

I was 18 when I first cam to the realization that I might have a problem and I was both scare and pround that I had figured this out. So I went to my parents and shared this with them and expected that would be shocked to hear me say this. Their response was something like, "really wahta was your first clue, we've known for years." That was the first moment that I realized that there was some deceving going on, I just was not sure who was doing the deceving.

How could people know things about tat I did not know about myself. The idea that I was going to get sober out of some noble sense of self improvement was also far from the truth. The reality was thgat I had been drinking and using for 8 years and being a realist I know that my odds were getting short. If I did not do something I was going to end up in jail as an adult and have to do hard time. I was scared as hell and out to protect my own a**.

It would take another three years before I would finally get it and stop slipping. Needless to say that by than many of the people that cared about me had given up and walked away. They could not understand what I was going through and just how hard it was. You see it is not just getting past the booze and the drugs that is hard. It is also getting past the bull**** that I had told myself for so many years.

I needed to become willing to look to the center of my being and see what was there that was worth fighting for becuase I was in a fight for my life. If I did not sober up it was only a matter of time before I was going to be dead. It was really hard and at times very painful to see what I had become and how many people I had hurt. Today things are different and I have not only learned to care for myself but for others as well. Today I can look myself in the face and love myself and feel good about what I have become.

Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all

Relaxation

2007-11-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

A simple word, 'relaxation', Yet, it has been one that I have seen very little of with the schedule I have been keeping. Last night was te first time in a very long time that I was able to just relax. I did help my son move some of his stuff from his old place to his new place and than I was able to just relax.

It was a great feeling and the best part of all was I did not feel guilty for doing it either lol. It is amazing how refreshed you can feel after a little bit of rest. The job market around here has sucked in the IT sector and it had been hard finding anything that was not contract work. I finally found something and I have been there for a while now. Since than I ahve been working two jobs, seven days a week to get myself back on solid footing financially.

I am finally getting to the point that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking at dropping the second job around the end of this month. Then for the first time in a very long time I will ahve a couple days off each week. It is going to feel strange and I will have to make some adjustments again. I will have time to relax and enjoy life and not just work. It has been a lot of hard work to get to this point and I had to prove a lot of stuff to myself.

I built this home and I ahve been in it for almost seven years now and that has been hard for me. Until now the longest time I have ever lived in one place was 4-5 yrs, so there was a huge mental barrier that I had to cross there. Then there is the fact that I am living by myself for the first time in 20 yrs, actually the first time in my life. That was another mental barrier that needed to be crossed, that I could live by myself without the world caving in on me.

Then over the last decade I had supported anywhere from 3 to 8 people on whatever I was making at the time. Yet, I had been accused of not being capable of doing that and that brings me to the third mental barrier that needed to be crossed. In working hard and applying the financial plan that I have always believed in I have regain solid financial footing and I have done without help from anyone.

Then there is the final mental barrier that needed to be crossed and that was the one of fearing being alone. This is not the same as living by yourself becuase you can be in a room full of people and still be alone. In this I am refering to relationships and the idea that some had suggested that I could not function without being in a relationship. I am not in a relationship and I ahve not been in one for some time now. In fact my last girlfriend and I broke up in December of last year.

I am not in any big hurry to get into a relationship any time soon and it is not something that I need to survive. Last night when I was just able to relax for the first time in a very very long time, there was a feeling of arrival. Whatever point that was imagined was arrived at at that moment and it felt great. Life is great and I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin knowing that I have crossed all the mental barriers that needed to be crossed. Now life begins in ernest and lets see what God has in store for me, yippy.

Have a great day all and God Bless, love to you all.

Happy Thanks Giving

2007-11-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year when we are supposed to be grateful for what we have and the people in our lives. I hope that this is not the only time of year we choose to be grateful or thankful for the people and things in our lives. I am very grateful for everyine that touches my life on a daily basis and that is a lot of people.

Each brings something out in me and helps me learn something new about me. Some times I see someone that is worse off than I am becuase they have more or less than I do. Becuase it I have come to the conclusion that it is not the things we have that really matters, it is the people in our lives that really make a difference.

In our world of instant gratification it is not something we are taught to value. It seems that it is far more important to get it at 70% off original price than to tell or show someone that you care. If you had no money, who would still be in your life? I have been given people to love and to care for and I do. Everyone has issues and problems and at times I can be there for them or help them along the way.

The best gift you can give this year to someone is that they do not feel alone in their journey in life, At times the journey is hard and the road is rocky and at other times is is smooth as glass. No matter what your road condition is, it is always better when you have someone to share it with. It back the bad times better and the good times great. A toy or scarf cannot give that to anyone. I am thankful for all the people in my life for each of you have been a blessing in your own special way.

Thanks for being a part of my life and my holiday. Have a great day and God bless, love yah all.

God's Will for Us

2007-11-13T23:40:00.000-08:00

In recovery they ask us to consider God's will for us and for an addict that is somethig that is really hard to do. We are such a head strong bunch and we always know what is good for us, or so we think. If we know what is so good for us than why are we miserable so much of the time?

I have found that when I step out the driver's seat and let God sit there my life goes so much better. I do not need dramam in my life becuase life is filled with happiness. I do not need to have bad relationships becuase I have good ones. My stress levels go down and I can sleep better at night. So why didn't I let him drive much siiner than I did, in short, I'm stubborn and I know it.

The days are good and I can see the progress that I am making each and every day. Some times the things are big and at other times they are small but they are there. It is simply a matter of taking the time to see the miracles that unfold in my life. I have come to understand that God's will for us is to be happy and not the short term superfishal happines but real solid happiness.

The difference between the two is very noticalble. When you ahve real happiness in your life you hold onto it with both hands. Nothing can take it away from you and the little things that would normally anoye you just role off you back. People can open their mouths and say stupid things and it has not affect on you. Only those that have no happiness want to take away your happiness while those that know happiness will celebrate your happiness. Your happiness is God's will for you and the only thing that changes is what it takes for each to have our own hapiness.

Have a great day all and God Bless, love to you all.

Past to Present

2007-11-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

One of the beliefs that I told to strongly is that our past does not define what we are to become. Simply because you were abused does not mean that you will abuse. If people treat you badly it does not mean that you have to treat others badly in return. While my mother was the source of much of the abuse I suffered as a child she also taught me that, 'if I don't like it than to change it in myself'.

I have tried to go out of my way to be nice to people my whole life because I wanted to be different and I did not want to carry on where others had left off with abuse. I am human and I am by no means perfect or a saint, I am simply determined to do things differently. That is my choice and it is also my choice not to allow the past to become a crutch to excuse bad behavior.

Today is my life and I ahve a good life that is filled with hard work and happiness. It is that way because that is what I chose to fill it with. My boss knows I am in scholl to finish my degree and he knows that when I am done that I will have a lot of doors open to me. He asked me straight out how much time he had left becuase he knows that there will be companies that will offer me far more money than he can.

I told him I am looking at July/August as time frame to finish school and than let the bidding war begin. It feels good to know that I am appreciated at work, Lord knows that does not happen very often lol. My future today is based on what I am doing in my life not on what happened to me in the past. The things that happened to me in the past drive me to make a better life for myself and for anyone that I choose to care about. Right now the future looks very bright from here and since my kids have grown and moved out on their own there are no limits.

I can now accept any job in any location that meets my needs and that is both exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I am also being realistic about it all to since it looked great before I graduated with my AAS and than the bottom fell out, so my hope and prayers are that it will not fall out again. I hope my past will help people understand that you are not chained to your past. That it can make you stronger and be a motivator to make for yourself that life you want and deserve. Or you can choose to stay in the past and keep doing what youi always did and expect the world to change to your beat, and we all know that will never happen.

All we have is today and it is our job to make today the best day of our life. Life is after all what we make for ourselves not what other define for us, so make this life great. Have a great day all, God Bless and I love you all.

Growing up Abused

2007-11-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

Growing up in an abusive family you gain a very twisted idea of what love is. As a child I found myself being abused by every one in the family that felt they had a reason that they could justify. It is a sad state when you become conditioned to believe that abuse equals love. When they bring God into it by telling you they are showing you God's love, makes it even worse.

They not only screw with your head about what a relationship is they also screw with your head about what God means. For the longest time if I was not allowing people into my life that would abuse me I was abusing myself in a twisted idea of self love. In hind sight what comes out of the fog of time is a far different reality, one that leaves you filled with shame and disgust.

The idea that you would invite people into your life just so they can hurt you, I find unimaginable now and yet so easy to do. In hind sight I know that the people that were in my life in the past were more of a reflection of myself and how I viewed my own self worth than anything about them. To see look at yourself in the mirror and not see someone that is worth living, loving or being loved is hard.

What is even harder is to break the cycle of hurt and pain and open yourself to all the positive things that exist in the light of God's love. Today I can see the love that I know that God has for me and the tenderness that he fills my heart. I think that the fact that I am capable of loving myself and another is a miracle that could never have happened without God being a part of my life.

Today I ahve choices about the direction of my life and the peoiple that I choose to invite into my life. I choices about the kinds of behavior that is allowable and what behaviors will not be allowable. My wish for those that are traveling down the road of recovery from abuse is that they do not loose faith. It does get better with time and it is a lot of work to get to apoint that you can live again. What it takes is a complete transformation in the way you look at everything in life, especially yourself.

I can choose to do that which I have always done and hope something different happens. I can also choose to do things differently than I have done before and see what happens. In changing my habits and beliefs I open myself to all the possibilities and I also open myself to the possibility of being hurt. I have a choice and that is something that I no long am willing to allow those that abused me to take away from me.

I have forgiven those that abused me becuase I believe that they did not know any better. That does not mean that what they did was right, only that we live what we have been taught. When you have been a victim of abuse you tend to hurt others before they have a chance to hurt you. The hardest thing is to allow the hurting to stop and the healing to begin and that takes a great deal of faith in God and yourself. If we want to know what love means look no farther than 1 Corintians and you will see how God defines it and it is unconditional.

Good Night All, God Bless and I love you all

?Love, what is it really?

2007-11-11T23:25:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting to hear people talk about love and what they think it is. Looking around you can still to this dayfind couples that are celebrating their 50th and I have known a couple that have celebrated their 60th wedding aniversery. Do you think they may know something about what love is? I have to be honest here and provide the disclaimer that I have now been married and divorced three times.

I suppose that would say that I have not had much luck in this aspect of my life or it could say that I have not found real love. I have learned a lot about what love is not and what it is not is abuse. I have had wives that cheated on me and some that abused me and there was nothing remotely loving about that. Yet all I wanted was to be loved and wanted and I was willing to do whatever it took to fill that need. The price I would pay emotionally, physically or spiritually did not matter.

What I have learned is that real love is something that always builds you up and makes you a better person than you could have ever hoped to be without it. It is not about keeping score of wrongs done or hurts inflicted. It means being honest with the person you love because you love them and they are important to you. There is no room for head games to try and trick someone into loving you becuase you know they do.

Love is the warm of a summer day in the middle of winter. Love is being able to feel safe being happy or sad. Love is knowing that you are never alone. Love is knowing that you are accepted for you. Love comes in many shapes and sizes but true love is always unconditional. It is never a weapon used to control another and get them to do what you want them to do.

To be loved is to have someone that is there for you on different levels and knowing that you never have to ask if they are there for you. To be loved is to feel whole and complete, to hurt when they are gone. Love is feeling their presence when they are not around. Love is not abusing someone. Love is not using someone. Love is not giving up on someone because of a problem. Too many relationships fall apart when the slightest problem comes along. When two people love each other they can get through any problem becuase they do it together. When two people love each other nothing can come between them for they do not allow it. True love is perfect and because we are human we will never be perfect but true love is the closest we can get to being perfect.

Oddities

2007-11-11T12:32:00.000-08:00

The weekend has come to an end and I am enjoying the wondeful weather we are having. I have to because I do not know how much longer it will last. I went down to the lake to see what was new and to look at the duck and geese. They were all forming up getting read to bed down for the night and I was pleasently surprised to see that the Swans were still out. It turned ugly when I noticed one of them was eating a plastic bag that someone had discarded into their area.

I called the DNR and they may or may not be able to do anything about it, I they can and will. I would hate to see one of the swans chock and die on a plastic bag. In some ways it is reflective of the way things go in life becuase we often times see things that look wonderful and when we look beyond the surface we see the ungliness. The hard part comes when you try to get help and it does not come and in the end we have to leave it in God's very capable hands.

That is the hard part becuase we always want to do more and the consiquences for doing more could cause more problems for you than you could have hoped to solve for someone else. Unlike the swans we have the ability to defend ourselves and to do what is right, even when it is scary. Deep down we always know what is right and what we need to do to protect ourselves and yet we fall short much of the time.

I know that for myself that falling short comes from the fear of uncertainty. Wondering if I am doing the right thing or not and what will happen if I do it or if I do not do it. I have had plenty of times when I have trusted God with my life and times when I was afraid to. I know that he has done very well for me when I have let go and let him do what he needed to do in my life. I am at that point again when I know that I am supposed to and can turn it all over to hiim and yet at times I still find it hard.

I know that in my own way of doing things I have screwed up badly in my life. I have failed in my financies and pick women to be involved with that ended up being abusive. I know that he can and does do much better for me when I get out of his way and let him do his thing. The next couple of months will be hard with the holidays and all. The kids are on their own and will be splitting the holidays with their families and the families of their significant others. So that will be something new and I will admit scary and I will jsut have to give it to God and see what happens. I had no choice but to leave the swan in his hands I am sure I can leave my life in his hands as well. Have a great night and God Bless, love yah all.

2007-10-08T04:09:00.000-07:00

I have not been blogging for a period of time as I have been recovering from an abusive relationship. That is right I did get into another one and I feel ashamed of myself for doing so. It did not start out that way, she was loving and kind and affectionate. It was not until after she go it what she wanted from me that she turned verbally and emotionally abusive. It was as if someone had turned a switch and everything changed all at once.

It has been over now for a couple of months and I have been dealing with the depression that came from being in it, allowing myself to get into another one and the thought that I may never have another relationship. Not because I feel I am not worth loving but the fear that the next woman that enters my life will be just another abuser. It is the sense of becoming jaded and a building lack of trust in women in general.

The challenge has been to do things differently than I had done them in the past. I have worked very hard not to isolate myself and to continue to be around people. Most do not know what I have been through and that is ok, the ones that do are glad to see that I am getting better. I do not know what the future holds for me and I doubt seriously that anyone other than God does. What I do know is that I have today and that is all I have and I intend to be happy and enjoy the life that God has given me.

2007-07-27T04:10:00.000-07:00

Since I have left my last abusive relationship I have found that I have learned something. Recently I had been involved with someone that has a control streak a mile wide. I was concerned that I was getting into something that was going to become abusive and shut it down. That was a good feeling. I was able to do this by feeling good about myself and seeing the things in my life that were positive. Now they are moving out in part because they were unable to isolate me and knock me down.

Someone that is abusive will isolate you and destroy you self esteem and if you are paying attention you can see it happening. I did and was able to stop it and protect myself. I am still unsure if I want to be in another relationship because I do not want to be on guard all the time. I am tired of looking over my shoulder wondering will she be abusive like the others, only in a different way. Yet I find that I miss the intimacy that we need as humans. I have a great deal of friends and I live a public life so I am never alone, yet there are times when I feel very alone and that is very hard.

To know that people from my past have taken from me my ability to truly trust another person in an intimate relationship.

Stand tall for freedom from abuse

2007-07-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

In my experience when you begin to get stronger and stand up for yourself it will get harder in the abusive relationship. They will try to knock you back down and you will need to be determined that enough is enough. In time they will back off and find someone else to abuse because they simply do not want to put that much effort into it. They want someone that will be easy to control and if they have to work at it they won’t stick around. Your safety should always be your first concern and the actions you take will always be reflective of your situation.

It may not be safe for you to stand up while still under the same roof as the abuser. Once you have been able to get out of the same house as the abuser you really do need to stand your ground. This is not only for you but also for your kids if you have them. They will use guilt and all kinds of threats to get you to give in and come back, resist and it will be better for you in the end. Build a support system of people that have survived and are now thriving in their own life. Avoid those that make hate and anger their passion in life for they are no better than those that did the abuse.

We all want to put what happened behind us and get in with our lives. The reality is that it is always going to be with us and it has changed us forever. What we have experienced can never be undone and we shall have that to carry with us forever. The fear, shame and the guilt will always be there and it is in how we choose to deal with it that will ultimately make the difference in our lives. We need to be able to walk away from the anger with others an ourselves and focus on what makes us good people in the first place.

2007-07-12T05:02:00.001-07:00

Today is a peaceful day and yet I know that when it comes time to come home my anxiety levels will rise as they usually do. It is caused by a fear of what I will walk into when I get home. Will I be attacked for something I did not do or say but they remember clearly that I did or said? Will I be attacked because they know what I am thinking and they know it is nothing good about them? Will I be attacked for what they are sure that I am feeling? This is just more of the same abuse that we deal with and the impact it has on our lives both while in a relationship with an abuser and long after.

I have concerns about getting into another relationship because of those very same fears because so many of the relationships I have had have ended up like that. It is a scary place to be because like everyone else I want that intimate contact and yet I find myself terrified that I will once again find myself being afraid to come home at night. I should never have to fear coming home because home should be a safe place to go to get away from all the craziness of the rest of the world. To be able to come home and not be afraid is by far the best thing that could happen and I know that it will happen. My roommate will be moving soon and I will be able to feel at peace about coming home and not have to fear how she will react to my coming home any longer. Soon I will no longer have to worry about what she says I said, or what she clearly remembers never saying. I will not have to deal with telling me that it is all in my mind and that it never happened. Soon sanity will return to my home and I will be able to heal once again but the damage is done and I do not know what will happen after she is gone. I don’t know if I have it in me to have another relationship or if I am willing to take the chance of finding someone only to find out they are needy and abusive.

Abuse - The Blame Game

2007-07-11T04:24:00.000-07:00

The blame game is an old friend that comes up now and again. The abuser lays out the laundry list of everything that is your fault. You did this so now their life is in ruins and it is all, your fault. They forget that they are responsible for their own actions and also their lack of actions. It is just easier for them to blame you. We need to keep in mind this little tidbit as we recover from being abused.

We are only responsible for the things we did or did not do. We can never take responsibility for the actions of another because when we do we let them off the hook. They do not have to be responsible for their actions because they can count on you to do it for them. That is just simply wrong and it is something that is also very hard to do once you get started. Like anything else we do it will have to come one day at a time and with small steps. The idea is that we grow a little each and every day and that we continue to make progress. Recovery is a lifetime of work that can only be done one day at a time.

Emotional Abuse in relationships

2007-07-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

In the everyday world of domestic violence the form that goes the least noticed is that of emotional abuse. This is simply because the wounds go to the core of ones being and are never visible to the outside world. The only ones that can tell that emotional abuse has taken place are those that are the closest to the victim. They are also among the first to separated from the victim by the abuser as a means of gaining control.

This has happened to me on several occasions in my past relationships ad it is the hardest thing to deal with. You have no idea that it is happening until you suddenly find yourself in way over your head and unsure as to which way to turn. There is also the profound lack of self-esteem that comes with it and the idea develops that you deserve to be treated the way you are. No one ever deserves to be treated like dirt or put down till you have nothing left of yourself.

You owe it to yourself to stand your ground and do the things that allow you to feel good about yourself. This is because the abuser will separate you from anything that allows you to feel good about you so that your whole sense of self worth comes from them. The thing is that the stronger you are and the more you do to keep your self-esteem strong, the harder the abuser has to work to get control and keep it. Eventually they will give up and leave your life, it is the only way I can think of to get out of this type of abusive relationship.

They will in the end find someone else to victimize that they feel will be easier pickings. Remember those animal shows and we watch the predator go for the weakest and the sickest one in the heard. The abuser is no different from any other predator, they look for the weakest and wear them down till they can move in for the kill. What is left is someone that has no self-esteem and cannot function without the abuser in their life, or at least that is what they have been conditioned to believe. The remarkable part comes after the abuser is gone and you begin to realize that life does go on. You can actually begin rebuilding your life and becoming the person you were meant to be.

I want to believe that the stronger I am and the stronger my self-esteem is the less likely it will be that I will fall into another abusive relationship. The problem is that I am afraid that it will not make a difference in the end and that I will still end up in another abusive relationship, only they will do it differently.

God, Needs and Abuse

2007-06-26T04:57:00.000-07:00

God provides us with everything that we need to get through each and every day. You have only to look at the creatures of nature to see proof of this. Yet we find it so easy to doubt that he will provide for us in our moments of need. Is it that we mix up our wants with our needs and get confused? There is after all a difference between needing a car and wanting a new one. God intends for us to be happy and that is why he sees to it that our needs are met. Do we intend for ourselves to be happy?

In abusive relationships we often find ourselves wanting and needing things. Something to hold onto that provides a sense of security and comfort. This can continue to find its way into our lives after we leave the abusive relationship. We collect things and hold onto them knowing that no matter how much we collect it is never enough. The thing that we do not hold onto is our relationship with God and the comfort in knowing that he is there. Perhaps that is because of the anger we hold towards him for allowing us to be in the position we were in. Perhaps it is because we feel that he had abandoned us in our time of need.

He was there for us and he did provide for our needs and yes even at times our wants. He made sure there were safe points for us and he did watch over us and protect us. We had only needed to ask and believe and trust that he would bring us out of harms way and into safety. That is something that is very very hard to do when you live in fear each and every day. When we choose to accept the help he sends for us than and only than do we begin to allow him to help us and he can do miracles for us when we let him.

The scares of domestic violence

2007-06-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

As a survivor I have a responsibility to myself and to the people that I care about to protect myself from those that would hurt me. We all have that responsibility and at times it can be very hard to do because the way we look at things are a bit twisted to start with. Depending on the kind of day I am having I will either trust everyone or no one. There are going to be those that will say things out and truly not realize what they are saying and then there are those that do know.

I have no way to tell the difference between the two and so I need to verify something that I am being told before I commit to taking action on it. At least in doing that I protect myself from being hurt and I also protect people that I care about from being hurt by the words of another. Trust is something that I do have a very hard time with and that causes me to feel very insecure in my day to day activities. I never really know that I am on solid footing and able to build something special for myself.

There s always that lingering doubt that whatever good is going on will last. I am not sure how to be able to build a sense of security and stability in my life, money just does not seem to be the answer and relationships of any kind are always filled with insecurity. The best that I can do is to work a solid program of recovery and place the issues in God’s hands. I am sure that everything will happen when the time is right and the hard part is knowing that at some time in the future the time will be right.

For now it is a matter of doing things one day at a time and praying hard for peace to come into my life in a meaning for way. I have found it for brief moments of time so I do know that it is real and that I can have it. I also know that it feels real good when it does happen and because it has happened it will happen again. No matter what happened to me in the past it does not mean that is has to happen again in the future. If I am vigilant and take it one day at a time I will be “ok” and for today that is good enough.

I always have the ability to build on what I have accomplished today and that is something that cannot be taken away from me. One of the hard things I had to deal with is seeing how the abuse I suffered has impacted my kids. I had hoped and prayed that they would have been freed from the damage, even though I know that that is not possible. So I watch my kids struggle with many of the same issues I have been dealing with and that is hard to see. I can only hope that they will get the help they need to not have the life that I have lived.

2007-06-10T17:47:00.001-07:00

Today any hope I had for a relationship with a certain person was ended. She just could not find it in her to love me as more than a friend. This is something that I have grown to expect over the years and it has made life a real challenge. The only ones that were interested in being more, would do the abusing in my adult life.

Considering all the things I have been through, I still feel the need to seek more and to be more than I seem destined to. I want and strive to have a normal life, though I have no real idea of what that is. For me normal is always being on the lookout for the next person that will hurt me. Then feeling totally devastated when I choose to allow myself to trust someone, only to have that trust broken.

I do not know if I will ever have the life I want. I may have a great job and make good money but there is more to life than money. The abuse I have suffered has left me feeling alone and isolated in this world and unsure of what to do or even how to do it when I do figure out what to do. I do have a strong faith in God and yet when my heart is broken I cannot help but ask why.

Is there a reason that I should be denied the love and closeness that so many others take for granted. Today my heart lies in ruins and my hopes seem dashed upon the rocks of life’s shore. Yet I know that with each passing moment is a chance for a new beginning and a chance for love and acceptance. I cannot change what has happened to me but I can change how I choose to deal with it and how I choose to live my life.

I know and understand that God has a place and a purpose for each of us and I have chosen to use the pain to help others heal from their pain. I can only hope that I will also e allowed to heal from my pain and not dwell on what might have been but rather what is. I have no way of knowing what I might have been like had I not been abused for I spent so much of my life being abused.

Being a survivor of abuse in some ways had made me tougher than I think I might have been otherwise. Yet in matters of the heart it has left me totally insecure and afraid of what might happen. Can I trust someone enough to let them get close enough to hurt me? In order to feel loved I have to allow someone close enough to hurt me and than it only ads to the damage that has been done my so many before. I keep hoping that I can get to the other side of this pain and tortured existence and be able to find happiness.

Rough Spots

2007-06-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

I find that I go through periods of just plain panic and there seems to be no apparent reason for it. Things will be going along just fine and than something seemingly minor will happen and it sends me into a tailspin emotionally. It is something that is really hard on relationships and can send them to the breaking point quickly. I am not sure what to do about it and I can only take things a step at a time and hope for the best.

I have been going through one of those spots over the last few months and without insurance I have not been able to get my meds or any counseling to help me identify the source of the problem. It has unfortunately driven away someone very special to me and I fear that the damage is too sever to be able to be repaired. In the end I simply look like an ass and fall apart over the littlest things.

Most people want to have a relationship with someone that is emotionally stable and that is something that no matter how hard I try does not always seems to be the case. That ends up leaving me feeling like a complete looser and totally incapable of having any kind of real relationship. It is not that I do not try but I also know that I get scared so very quickly and it hurts so much. In fact I find myself wondering why God did this to me.

Why do I have to be such a train wreck and I guess it is for some good reason and I am sure that when the time is right I will understand what it is. I can only take the little victories that come along and perhaps what I see as a little victory is in fact a major victory in the eyes of another. I say this only because I can only see where I have been through my eyes and not the eyes of others. I would gladly trade it all away just to be able to have one healthy, happy relationship. I know that my being an emotional train wreck has hurt someone very special to me and nothing I can ever do will ever fix that.

I only want to be loved and cared about, to be able to snuggle and have romance in my life. I know that so long as I continue to be an emotional train wreck that will never happen. I only find myself in some dark spiral wondering why I am going through this. What on earth did I do to deserve this and am I really going crazy or this just all part of the healing process. I have recovered from drugs and alcohol and I am finding that recovering from abuse if far harder than that was.

In recovering from drugs or alcohol there are meetings I can go to and books I can read that provide answers and comfort. Because in those I know and can see that I am not the only one that has gone through this. When it comes to recovering from abuse it is a whole different animal. Since I am a guy there are no programs to help me deal with it, so I have to figure it out as I go along. In the end it leaves me feeling very alone and very frustrated and it comes out sideways at times.

That is not fair to the people that are close to me, they should not have to pay the price for my trying to figure something out that others already have the manual for. The hardest thing for me to do is feel secure and to trust and those are the two things that are needed most in a relationship, especially a healthy one. How do I deal with it and not leave the other person thinking they are paying the price for the actions of another? I have no idea and perhaps in time I will figure it out but not before someone gets hurt by my own insecurities.

The best I can do is to take things one day at a time. I doubt that in the end it will make a difference in the outcome but I will at least be able to look myself in the mirror in the morning. It leaves me wondering if I will ever be capable of having what I want or if I will be denied that. I know in my mind that I did not ask to be abused and that I never did anything to deserve the treatment I received. I also know in my heart and in my mind that no one else deserves to pay the price for what was done to me. I can only hold on to my faith that there is a reason for all of this and at some point it will all make sense or at least that is my hope and prayer.

Domestic Abuse and Relationships

2007-06-03T14:21:00.000-07:00

This is something that happens many times a day in this world and I find it hard to escape the long shadow that it casts on my life. I have had three abusive wives and the emotional damage that they have caused in my life goes beyond anything I could have imagined possible. I have found that the damage and wreckage that they leave behind travels a long way and impacts my life every day.

I often times find myself wondering if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship. I find the ones I have had have either ended badly or I get the “can we be friends talk”. It seems that the emotional abuse has robbed me of ever having a chance to have the intimate relationship that I want to have. It has left me an insecure emotional wreck that is afraid of my own shadow. This can be very unsettling for someone that you are with and leave you looking clingy or possessive.

In the end the one thing that I want the most may be the one thing that I may not be able to have. I long to have someone that can love me back the way I want to be loved and I do not think that will happen. My past has left me fearing what will happen in a relationship and yet my heart leaves me wanting one. It is a hard place to be in and I am not sure how to get out of it. For the record it has been over three years since my last abusive wife left. I thought by now things would be easier by now and they seem to only be harder. My hope is that it will get better and that I will find a way to get past the shadow of the abuse and be able to have a healthy relationship. In the mean time I am trying to learn about what a healthy relationship is through friends.

Kids will be kids

2007-02-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Every so often kids just go nuts and drive you absolutely crazy. When your at home you can send them to their rooms but when your in a store your suddenly helpless. You feel embarrassed by their actions and afraid as to what to do because everyone is watching. Do you let them scream and have their tantrum or do you discipline them in the store. It is a hard situation to be in and one that can find you feeling overwhelmed very quickly.

I am sure there are those that are professionally trained that have all kinds of wonderful ideas for how to deal with this type of situation. For me what works is to ignore them and not feed into what they are doing. It can be really hard to especially if you are tired or not feeling well. It does however work well. I get what I need and go home and then send them to their rooms. That gives them and myself time to cool off and than we can talk about it.

Domestic Abuse

2007-02-08T03:30:00.001-08:00

This by definition is the use of violence, intimidation, threats or any action used to control another that you have an intimate relationship with. It is something that can be done to anyone at anytime by anyone that is close to you. The laws do not define it as only happening to a single group or only a select number of groups.

The cases that get the most attention are those that involve physical violence. This is because it is sexier and draws the most attention. More often than not abuse starts long before the violence ever begins in the form of mental and emotional abuse. There are to put downs and the subtle threats that happen. These are used to control your actions and behavior to insure that you do what they want you to do.

We often times will find ourselves excusing these behaviors or rationalizing them away as being something other than abuse. These are the actions that form the quicksand that holds us in and will not let us go. We make so many excuses for it and why it could cannot be abuse because we want to believe that we can make a difference. We want to believe that if we do this or that we will change them and what is happening and the physical violence will never happen if we just…

New Beginnings

2007-02-01T03:37:00.000-08:00

Each day brings with it the promise of a new beginning. For each day is new and anything can happen and you can be assured that it will. We can enter each new day with no hope or a bunch of fears about what is going to happen to us next. We can also enter the day with thoughts about all that many positive things that can happen to us. It is important to remember that each day is the beginning of a new life and therefor we can define that new life any way we want to. We have the power to create our life and to enjoy that life to its fullest. We do not have to be held a prisoner in our own minds to the pain and suffering we have endured over the years.

Is There Hope?

2007-01-26T03:13:00.000-08:00

Of course there is hope, so long as there is life there is hope. The idea of hope is in the ability to see improvement in our daily lives. This can sometimes be very hard for us to see because what we have does not match what we want to have. It is also harder for us to see the changes that we are making each and every day but others can and will see them long before we do. There can often times be a great deal of frustration that can come with not being able to see the progress and that can lend itself to a loss of hope. Do not give up hope for it is your faith in yourself and you must have had faith in yourself to get this far and it will get you the rest of the way to.

Is There Hope?

2007-01-17T08:52:00.000-08:00

Of course there is hope, so long as there is life there is hope. The idea of hope is in the ability to see improvement in our daily lives. This can sometimes be very hard for us to see because what we have does not match what we want to have. If we can manage to step outside the realm of expectation we will see and feel far more hope in our lives. Hope is something that keeps us going when we feel all else has failed. If has also been referred to as faith in something that we cannot see but we know it is there helping us get through something very hard. When we hold onto hope we are telling ourselves that our life will get better and it already has if we take the time to look for the good that is happening in it every day.

Turbulent Waters

2007-01-10T19:26:00.001-08:00

Any relationship I have is bound to be hard work and that is because the people are always changing. I am changing everyday and so are the people I am with. The thing that makes it hardest is dealing with the fears and expectations that I place on others. Having been abused for so much of my life I find it very hard not to place expectations on others. The expectations will always be based on how I think they will react to certain people, places or things. I know that it is not fair to them or to myself to do it and yet it happens wth no thought on my part.

I know that in being aware of the propblem it makes it possible for me to make changes in the way I deal with others. I also know that it is very hard because I am working with conditioned responses. I am simply doing what I have always done to protect myself from being hurt physically or emotionally. As I heal a little more each day I find it easier to see the uunhealthy reactions and I am better able to catch myself and deal with it before I act. This brings about the scariest part, what if they react the way I am afraid they will? The answer is that I place it in God’s hands and let him guide meand the person that I am with to do the right things.

Relationships are never easy

2007-01-08T18:24:00.001-08:00

When we have been abused for any length of time it can and often does make it very hard to trust another person again. Yet there will come a point in time when you will find someone that you feel good about being with. This is something that can be a mixed blessing in that you have the warm fizzies of being loved and yet there are the ghosts of the past. Those ghosts can be very hard to deal with because you never really know what will be a trigger a ghost come up from the past.

When issues do come up it is important to deal with them right away and not wait until the damage is already done. The new significant other does not know what you have been through and they may do something that will trigger one of your ghosts to come out a haunt you. Rememer they do not know what has triggered your reaction, if you share it with them what the issues are they can better deal with it. Maybe there will need to be changes and maybe it is something that cannot be changed. If you love them work with them and help them work with you.

The Gift of Love

2007-01-06T06:33:00.000-08:00

This gift of love is something that we have been born with and seldom realise it. We were all born in love and out of love and it is love that keps us alive. This makes it one of the most importantthings we have to offer others and most importantly ourselves. Yes, we do need to love ourselves just as much and perhaps even more than we love others. We needto love ourselves enough to say no todomestic violence. We need to love ourselves enough to believe that we deserve better than we have had till now. We need to love ourselves enough to dream again and then to follow our dreams.

This is something that we all too often allow to die within us as we struggle just to survive our life within an abusive relationship. Leaving the relationship is simply the first step in the recovery process, not unlike the acoholic putting down their bottle. The next step and the one that will take a lifetime complete is finding ourselves. Survivng the abuse defined us for so very long and for intensive purposes it became who we were. Yet it is not who we are and they is so much more to us than just surviving abuse. We need to learn to do something that we once took for granted, love ourselves. We can only accommplish this by taking small steps and by living our lives one day at a time.

I have been in recovery groups for over a quarter century and I have learned all too well that taking things a day at a time can be very hard some days. When things are rough and you are filled with doubts about yourself ad what or why you are trying to live without abuse, it is ok to take it a minute at a time. You do not have to solve all your problems and find all your solutions today. Chances are that if you are trying to findall your answers today,you will end up battered and brused from the beating you will give yourself for not finding all the answers by the end of the day. So, begin by loving yourself enough to give yourself a well deserved break. It will get better and know that it already has.

Feeling Guilty?

2007-01-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

When I made the choice to leave the abusive relationships I felt great about what I was doing and knew I was doing the right thing for the kids and myself. After the abusive wives left my life I would find myself feeling very guilty for what I had done. If only I had tried harder or done this or done that, it would have turned out differently and they would have stopped abusing me. I have been reassured that that is a perfectly normal and reasonable feeling to have.

Yet, while I felt all the guilt I did not feel any regret for removing them from my life. Logic told me that what I had done was the right thing. The guilt was simply my head playing games with me as it had done so many other times before. There was always something I could do or say that would have made a damn bit of difference in the behavior of the abusers in my life. After all it was not about what I was doing or not doing it was about the abuser and their actions. I had done nothing wrong to deserve the treatment that I had received and there was nothing I could do to change the behavior of the abuser because they did not want to change. I cannot change anyone unless they want to change and than they have to do the actual work and not me. It all sounds so easy now and it only took some forty years to learn that simple concept but it will make my life very different.

Expectations

2006-12-31T05:21:00.001-08:00

We can at times place expectations in people for how they will treat you or deal with you. I have learned and at times painfully so that placing expectations on others and at time event myself can be very disappointing. When I live in the circle of expectations I can assured that I will get hurt. I can choose not to love in that circle of expectations and thereby prevent myself from getting hurt.

If I do not put people on a pedestal they cannot fall short of my view of them. I also understand that there is a difference between expectations and hopes. We all need hope to allow us to continue to move forward in life. The difference between the two is a simple one really. I can hope that someone will act a certain way or deal with something a certain way and I am not counting on them to do so. When I place expectations on someone I am counting on them to react a certain way and that allows me to feel very hurt when they do not act as I expect them to. Step out of the circle of expectations and begin to live again and grab a hand full of hope and move forward, leave the expectations and the hurt behind.

Depression

2006-12-30T13:29:00.000-08:00

This is something that I do suffer from and recently and is the cause for my not posting. It is something that should be taken seriously and you should always seek the help of a trained professional. I find myself in the same position as many others. I make too much to get public assistance and too little to get my own health insurance. I had to battle through the darkness with the help of friends and family and my higher power that I choose to call God. While I do feel better now I am reminded about how hard it for us to deal with depression and the fact that it can come on when you least expect it. Depression is serious and this time I made it through it and I feel better for what I have been able to accomplish. I took care of myself and worked the plan that my therapist and I put together to help me because we both knew I was going to end up without insurance. We need to work with what we have been given and do all that we can and trust in God that it will get better and so long as we take care of ourselves we can accomplish many great things.

Doing the right Thing

2006-12-20T06:29:00.001-08:00

Some times doing the right thing leaves us feeling uncomfortable and that is not because we are doing something wrong but rather because we are outside our comfort zone. It is never wrong to do the right thing and sometimes it can be hard and painful but the end result will be a better life for your family and for yourself as well. Keep doing the right thing and life will be good.

Taking Responsibility

2006-12-19T05:49:00.000-08:00

We make choices each and every day, to do this or to do that. Some times our choices work out and sometimes they do not but they are none the less our choices. So it is our right to be responsible for the choices we make no matter what the outcome is. It is by far much easier to take credit for the choices we make when the outcome is good and blame others when it is not. That is not being honest with ourselves and we need to and owe to ourselves to be honest with ourselves. After all we are human and we need to allow ourselves to be human and that means we will make mistakes and than we can deal with the outcome of our mistakes and learn from them.

Imprisoned

2006-12-18T06:15:00.001-08:00

I have found, that I am imprisoned by my own thoughts and fears and they are based on my experiences of the past. Even though it has been a couple of years since I left all the abusive relationships behind, the fears still creep in. I find that if I am expecting something I can handle it just fine and my fears do not take over. Though if something comes up that I am not expecting, my fears take over and I can find myself having a panic attack very quickly.

When these things happen that are very unsettling. This is because I normally consider myself to calm cool and collected. It is hard to see myself suddenly loose it, either by myself or in front of others. This seems to make it even worse and yet I know that as a whole I am stronger than I have ever been in my life. I hold onto the hope that someday these experiences will vanish but I am not at all sure that they will. So I move forward secure in the idea that I am getting better each and every day. I am strong and I am empowered by my own efforts to live a healthy life.

The Joy of the Season

2006-12-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

The joy in the season comes from the giving of gifts to those we care deeply for. It also comes from the joy that our faith in a higher power bring into our life. The songs are filled with thoughts of peace on earth and being free from the abusive relationship brings peace to our heart and world.

We will have to deal with those that just don’t understand but in the end leaving the abusive relationship is the best gift we could possibly give ourselves. They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for. This is something that is definitely worth having, freedom from abuse. The gift we give our children and ourselves is one of peace, strength, faith, love and closure.

We will find that the dust will settle and many will come to understand and they will be by our side. Then there will be some that will never understand and that is ok. It is on them and not a reflection on you or anything you have done. Enjoy this holiday and all the others that will come in your life. They are meant to be enjoyed and not worried over, have fun and enjoy your peace on earth and in your home.

Nothing Wrong

2006-12-16T05:50:00.000-08:00

When I got out of the abusive relationships I had been in I began to hear all the things people had been saying. They could not understand why I was in the relationships and that I was wrong to stay in it for as long as I did. Some even said I was wrong to get out of it. It hurt greatly to hear them say the things they were, after all these were supposed to be my friends.

They did not know what being in an abusive relationship was like or why I stayed. They did not understand that I stayed because I thought I could change things. That I believed if I loved them enough they would change. They did understand how trapped I felt and the incredible amount of fear I felt about what would happen to the kids if I left. Then being a man there was also the fear that no one would believe me that I was being abused. After all everyone knows men don’t get abused and that was the one fear that became reality. Very few people outside the closest people to me believed me, those closest to me believed because they had seen it for themselves. I did nothing wrong and neither have you.

Roadblocks

2006-12-15T06:02:00.001-08:00

I have found over the years that I have constructed roadblocks along the way and never realized it. I put thing in my life that were there to help me and they kept me safe. What I did not realize was that as I grew as a person some of those things no longer helpful to me. I out grew what they could do for me and I had to move on to new things. Sometimes it was a person, place or thing that provided that sense of security for a moment in time.

We need to always be aware of our own growth and see what is going on around us. This will allow us to continue to grow by allowing us to remove the roadblocks that keep us from further growth. We weed our gardens to allow our flowers to grow and be all they can be. Removing the roadblock in our life allow us to continue to grow and be all we can be. You will be amazed at where you end up.

Time for Rest

2006-12-14T05:14:00.000-08:00

There comes a point in everything that we do that we just need to shut down for a little bit. There is nothing wrong with that and it only means that you are tired. When you are leaving or you have recently left and abusive relationship it is something that is extremely draining both physically and emotionally. There is a significant release of stress and that also contributes to the amount of exhaustion you will feel. It is all good and it is also very normal.

In the process of freeing yourself from the abuser you will need to keep in mind that you do need to take care of yourself. There may even need to be people around you to remind you to take care of yourself. This is because while we are in an abusive relationship we forget to take care of ourselves and now it is something that we need to learn to do. So give yourself a break and get some rest. Everything you think you need to get done will be there when you are ready to go back to it. There is no shame or disgrace in relaxing and taking care of yourself.