Fears

I sometimes think of going out and trying my hand at dating and than recoil at the idea. I have been hurt so much in the relationships of the past that I have found that I am very much afraid. It seems hard to belive because it has never been a problem in the past and now something is missing and I do not know what it is. I have signed up for a class at church so I do not isolate myself from the rest of the world because it is something that I am very capable of doing.

I know that if I am every goingto be able to date I will have to be able to get past the cumulative hurt. No one relationship has caused this, it is rather the sum total of all the relationships I have had over the years. I am still looking at my life and seeking out the paterns of the past in hopes of learning something about myself. I believe that if I do that I can gain an insight into myself and learn something that will help me have the life that I have always wanted.

A life that I have denied myself because I did not think I deserved it. It is a hell of thing at 46 to re-evaluate your life and start over. There are so many thing that I have missed out on and an honest, open, loving two sided relationship is one of them. My fear at this point is that I am to jaded by the past to open up to the possiblities of the future. Will look at the next person and wonder what will they be the next one to be abusive. Do I dare let down my defenses and if I am unable to will I just end up alone.

Change is a good thing and I have my faith to guide me through all this stuff. In my heart I know that everything will be good. The fears exist in my mind and it is a ,atter of getting my mind and heart on the same page. That is something that I am sure will happen in time. Buildnig a new life is something that is going to take time and patience, I have the rest of my life to do it. Each step is scary because I am trying to change many things and in the end I have no idea what will happen. Right now I have fears and I am still happy with my new life even if I don't know where it is headed. lol Have a great day all and God Bless and love you all.