Made a decision to turn our will and our live over to the care of God as we understood him. This is something that did not come easy for me and I struggled with it becuase of my lack of trust. For to me the God that I understood growing up was one of violence and he hated kids. This was hardly the God that I wanted to turn my life over to, I was crazy but not that crazy.
I needed to find a different God, one that I knew livedin my heart and not my head. This was a journey that would last for many years and take me halfway around the world. I had always been interested in the nature based faiths because of the respect that they and I shared for all life. Even though people had treated me very badly over the years I was never able to come to apoint were I hated them.
That by no means means I trusted them, that is an entirely different matter. I explored wiccan, shaminism of Central America and the faiths of many of the Native Americans to learn about the God that they understood. I have always knowm that God was known by many names and I always believed that God was both male/female, it just made sense that that was the case. Slowly I gained an understanding of a God that was loving and compasionate and that was something new for me.
I was still not ready to turn my will or life over to God because he was still responsible for what others had done to me in his name. Than after I had already been struggling with sobriety for a couple of years he apparently had enough and hit me upside the head with the proverbial 2x4. On Valintines Day 1981 I was in a head on colision and died on the scene. I would than have an experience in which I felt complete and total love as I have never felt before or since.
Aparently he was not done with me yet because he sent me back and I would climb out of the wreckage of my car and walk away without a scatch. Needless to say that everyone that saw it was blown away and I was clueless. It sent me on a deeper search because in that moment everything I had ever been taught about God, death and life after death just went out the window. It was as if God had hit the reset button and nothing made sense and I started my journey all over again.
I did not know where I was going or where I woudl end up. There was the Southern Baptist, various new age groups, wiccan, Native American, Assemlies of God, Catholic and the list can go on and does include Dowism, Budism and Hindu. I needed to figure out what happensed to me and what was going on. I still made bad choices and I still slipped and struggled with sobriety for another year or so.
The seeds had been planted and I knew that there was no turning back at that point. I would turn my life over piece by piece until I felt I could trust this new God of my understanding. I was changing and so was he and that took time and a lot of work on my part. God in reality neer changed only the way I saw him and his interactionin my life changed, I no longer held him responsible for the bad choices that others made.
I learned that I can love someone and not like what they do because they are different things. I have learned that the God of my understanding today can see around corners and has blessed me in a great many ways, too many to count really. My Higher Power (God) does not belong to any one church because no church is so big that it can handle all that God is. Today my God is one that I cannot define in human terms because they place limits on what God can be.
Today I know that God has a plan for me and while at times I wish I he would let me in on the secret. I am also glad that he does not tell me because I do like a good surprise now and than. In the end my belief in my new God of my understanding does not faulter it does change with each day because I change each day. Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Step Two
This was another hard step to make because I felt betrayed by God. Having been abuse by my mother and uncle and moliested by the babysitter and finally abused by the nunes at school, there was very little room for faith. I believed in a Higher Power but it was certainly not the one that everyone around me seemed to belive in.
Their God seemed to get a nut off on watching kids get beaten and that was supposed to be a loving God. I was raised Catholic and to me that meant that guilt ruled my life and that everything was either illegal, immoral or fattening.
I had a very hard time with the whole God concept and what it meant to me. The things Iw as being taught in my catacism classes did not make sense to me. That was because the things they said were supposed to be doing were not the things people around me were doing.
I grew up in a very intersting time and place and I saw things that to this day I do not understand why I had to see them. I grew up around people that survived the rampage of the Nazi death camps. I was for hand the damage to the soul of the racism of the riots of the late 60's. I could not make the separation between what was going on in Vietnam and my own neighborhood at that time.
Death and violence seemed to be everywhere and I watch people turn on each other and understood how dark we could be to each other. Yet I found some comfort in a Higher power that could create the beauty of a rose and the sweet taste of a freshly picked ripe black cherry. The Higher Power I identified with was more along the lines of the one the Native Americans followed. I would read about their God and how loving and nurturing he was.
I struggled for a long time to come to understand that my understanding of my Higher Power would change with time and grow as I did. They call it a spiritual awakening when you come to believe in a Higher Power. Foe some it is sudden and for others it is gradual. For me he had to kill me to get me to see the light and I was still stubborn about it. I explored many religions trying to make sense out the senseless.
The hardest part was the concept that my Higher Power could restore me to sanity. I had to first come to the understanding that I was insane to begin with. Than there is the matter of trusting him to make me sane. Being able to trust God after all I had been through in his name was not going to be easy. Everytime I heard those words, "God loves you" made my skin crawl and made me recoil in fear. You see the beattings I took as a kid by the nunes and the adukts that were supposed to love me were always proceeded by, "I am going to show you how much God love you".
To me God's love meant being abused by someone. How can you tust someone that wants to see you abused? It took years of trying to be able to give him parts of my life just to see what he was going to do with it. It would be a lifetimes work to learn to trust God to return me from the nightmare I lived in his name. Slowly I have learn to trust a Higher Power of my understanding. I will never trust the God they talk about in church because I associate him with the abuse that I suffered through ut my life.
God to me lives in my heart and not in any building. People I have learned do the most horrible things to each other in God's name. They believe that he will reward them for that as well. How can a God of unconditional love be proud of a mother that beats her kids or a nune that beats the word of God into you? Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.
Their God seemed to get a nut off on watching kids get beaten and that was supposed to be a loving God. I was raised Catholic and to me that meant that guilt ruled my life and that everything was either illegal, immoral or fattening.
I had a very hard time with the whole God concept and what it meant to me. The things Iw as being taught in my catacism classes did not make sense to me. That was because the things they said were supposed to be doing were not the things people around me were doing.I grew up in a very intersting time and place and I saw things that to this day I do not understand why I had to see them. I grew up around people that survived the rampage of the Nazi death camps. I was for hand the damage to the soul of the racism of the riots of the late 60's. I could not make the separation between what was going on in Vietnam and my own neighborhood at that time.
Death and violence seemed to be everywhere and I watch people turn on each other and understood how dark we could be to each other. Yet I found some comfort in a Higher power that could create the beauty of a rose and the sweet taste of a freshly picked ripe black cherry. The Higher Power I identified with was more along the lines of the one the Native Americans followed. I would read about their God and how loving and nurturing he was.
I struggled for a long time to come to understand that my understanding of my Higher Power would change with time and grow as I did. They call it a spiritual awakening when you come to believe in a Higher Power. Foe some it is sudden and for others it is gradual. For me he had to kill me to get me to see the light and I was still stubborn about it. I explored many religions trying to make sense out the senseless.
The hardest part was the concept that my Higher Power could restore me to sanity. I had to first come to the understanding that I was insane to begin with. Than there is the matter of trusting him to make me sane. Being able to trust God after all I had been through in his name was not going to be easy. Everytime I heard those words, "God loves you" made my skin crawl and made me recoil in fear. You see the beattings I took as a kid by the nunes and the adukts that were supposed to love me were always proceeded by, "I am going to show you how much God love you".
To me God's love meant being abused by someone. How can you tust someone that wants to see you abused? It took years of trying to be able to give him parts of my life just to see what he was going to do with it. It would be a lifetimes work to learn to trust God to return me from the nightmare I lived in his name. Slowly I have learn to trust a Higher Power of my understanding. I will never trust the God they talk about in church because I associate him with the abuse that I suffered through ut my life.
God to me lives in my heart and not in any building. People I have learned do the most horrible things to each other in God's name. They believe that he will reward them for that as well. How can a God of unconditional love be proud of a mother that beats her kids or a nune that beats the word of God into you? Have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.
Step One
When I look at the first step I see hope for a better future for myself. That was not alwats the case though. When I first looked at it it was something I mouthed to get people off my back. It had no meaning to me because I knew it did not apply to me. The first step states, "We admit we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable".
Hell, I knew I could control the drugs and alcohol, I had been doing that for years and the only reason my life was unmanagable was because people refused to do what I thought they should be doing. The reality was far different than I had imagined it could have been. The reality was that I was a trainwreck looking for a place to happen. I was flunking out of high school, I had no concept of a healthy relationship of any kind.
I had lied to and manipulated everyone in life and was hell bent on a path of self destruction. I was self abusive and I had a violent temper that kept me safe on the streets. I became whatever I needed to become to stay alive and make it through the next crisis in my life. I felt no human connection to anyone and I had already seen more violence in my life than most would see in a lifetime.
I was hell on wheels and fought anything that anyone wanted to do for me becuase I trusted no one. I saw everyone as working an angle just to use me to get what they wanted and there were no exceptions. I had learned many hard lessons in life by the time I first looked at that first step. I was 18 and I was in a room of old drunks, what the hell did they know about the life I had lived.
My first meeting I was like a scared rabbit caught in a trap and I smoked an entire carton of cigerettes that night. There was only one person in that room that understood what I had been through and he had just been released from prison after serving time for murder. I never saw him again and it kinda freaked me out that he was the only one that could relate to me. I think that was the first moment that I understood that something was wrong, I mean really understood and not just mouthing the words.
It occured to me at that moment that if I did not change I was going to end uo where he was and I knew that was not what I wanted. I spent a lot of time doing a lot of soul searching while still trying to control everyone in my life. I even went through treatment and that was a joke. I had lived the hard life on the streets of the big city and these kids lived a comfortable mid western suburban life. They had never dug through the trash looking for food, they had never carried a gun so you could shoot back and stay alive.
The more I loearned about the dease and recovery the more I felt alone because there was no one that could understand what I was relating. They would shy away from me and recoil in fear when I talked about what I had expierenced in life, When I look back now I see myself on the brink and I could have very easily gone the other way. I followed a nature based faith of the Native Americans and in that I found what I needed to hold onto some sense of humanity.
Was my life unmanagable, yah I see that now and at the time I was blind to it. I thought I was in control of everything and everyone. Control is an illusion that tricks us into believing that we are God and that what we think really matters. In the end we are a piece of sand on a beach and while we impact the live around us we do not control the lives around us. The booze and drugs only allows us to think that as it draws into a death spiral that eventually will kill us. For some the lucky it is a physical death for others it is a mental or emotional death.
It has take years of very hard work for me to be able to feel human and to have a connection to people. Still to this day I allow very few people to get really close and they have to be damn special to be allowed that close. Yet through it all I never stoppe caring about people and wanting to help them. I am not sure if that makes any sense at all but it was the one thing that allowed me to stay connected ion some way to humanity. Well now that I have spewed, have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.
Hell, I knew I could control the drugs and alcohol, I had been doing that for years and the only reason my life was unmanagable was because people refused to do what I thought they should be doing. The reality was far different than I had imagined it could have been. The reality was that I was a trainwreck looking for a place to happen. I was flunking out of high school, I had no concept of a healthy relationship of any kind.
I had lied to and manipulated everyone in life and was hell bent on a path of self destruction. I was self abusive and I had a violent temper that kept me safe on the streets. I became whatever I needed to become to stay alive and make it through the next crisis in my life. I felt no human connection to anyone and I had already seen more violence in my life than most would see in a lifetime.
I was hell on wheels and fought anything that anyone wanted to do for me becuase I trusted no one. I saw everyone as working an angle just to use me to get what they wanted and there were no exceptions. I had learned many hard lessons in life by the time I first looked at that first step. I was 18 and I was in a room of old drunks, what the hell did they know about the life I had lived.
My first meeting I was like a scared rabbit caught in a trap and I smoked an entire carton of cigerettes that night. There was only one person in that room that understood what I had been through and he had just been released from prison after serving time for murder. I never saw him again and it kinda freaked me out that he was the only one that could relate to me. I think that was the first moment that I understood that something was wrong, I mean really understood and not just mouthing the words.
It occured to me at that moment that if I did not change I was going to end uo where he was and I knew that was not what I wanted. I spent a lot of time doing a lot of soul searching while still trying to control everyone in my life. I even went through treatment and that was a joke. I had lived the hard life on the streets of the big city and these kids lived a comfortable mid western suburban life. They had never dug through the trash looking for food, they had never carried a gun so you could shoot back and stay alive.
The more I loearned about the dease and recovery the more I felt alone because there was no one that could understand what I was relating. They would shy away from me and recoil in fear when I talked about what I had expierenced in life, When I look back now I see myself on the brink and I could have very easily gone the other way. I followed a nature based faith of the Native Americans and in that I found what I needed to hold onto some sense of humanity.
Was my life unmanagable, yah I see that now and at the time I was blind to it. I thought I was in control of everything and everyone. Control is an illusion that tricks us into believing that we are God and that what we think really matters. In the end we are a piece of sand on a beach and while we impact the live around us we do not control the lives around us. The booze and drugs only allows us to think that as it draws into a death spiral that eventually will kill us. For some the lucky it is a physical death for others it is a mental or emotional death.
It has take years of very hard work for me to be able to feel human and to have a connection to people. Still to this day I allow very few people to get really close and they have to be damn special to be allowed that close. Yet through it all I never stoppe caring about people and wanting to help them. I am not sure if that makes any sense at all but it was the one thing that allowed me to stay connected ion some way to humanity. Well now that I have spewed, have a great day all and God Bless, I love you all.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Recovery is Easy
I have heard that statement made by people that to be kind have no clue about what recovery is. They read a book somewhere and now they have all the answers. These are individuals that have never had to take that walk and have never supported a loved one that has or is taking that walk. To be honest recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do and the most rewarding as well.
For those that have never steppedintot he world of recovery they think of it in the same way as starting your car on a warm spring day. You simply jump in, turn the key, drop it in gear and go. For me recovery is more like starting you car in December when it is below zero.
Sometimes it starts and sometimes it does not. Sometimes you need jumper cables and other times a good friend to tow you home, lol Sometimes it starts and you have to feather the gas peddle for what feels like a lifetime to get it to stay running, cause you know if you take your foot of the gas it is going to die.
Even when you get it started, it still takes forever for it to warm up enough so that it will not die on you the minute you put it into gear. It also has to warm up ennough that the windows are clear and your coffee does not freeze. I other words recovery is never easy to start and it is even harder to maintian and just like starting a car in the winter once you have it running it is a grat thing.
I bothers me greatly when I hear people say that support groups for people in recovery keeps them weak. That is the farthest thing from the truth becuase you draw strength from the knowledge that others have gone through this and made it. Damn if they can do it so can I and when you do make it you have a responsibility to help the next person get to the point that they can make it.
Today I can look at my journey of recovery and know that it was all worth the effort. Even though there were days I never thought I would make it. At the begining I could not imagine going one day without getting drunk or stoned. Today I can and I can do it today becuase today is all I really have. I am grateful for each person that is in my life and value them and charish them for all they bring to it. Thanks everyone, hope you all have a great day and God Bless, love you all.
For those that have never steppedintot he world of recovery they think of it in the same way as starting your car on a warm spring day. You simply jump in, turn the key, drop it in gear and go. For me recovery is more like starting you car in December when it is below zero.
Sometimes it starts and sometimes it does not. Sometimes you need jumper cables and other times a good friend to tow you home, lol Sometimes it starts and you have to feather the gas peddle for what feels like a lifetime to get it to stay running, cause you know if you take your foot of the gas it is going to die.Even when you get it started, it still takes forever for it to warm up enough so that it will not die on you the minute you put it into gear. It also has to warm up ennough that the windows are clear and your coffee does not freeze. I other words recovery is never easy to start and it is even harder to maintian and just like starting a car in the winter once you have it running it is a grat thing.
I bothers me greatly when I hear people say that support groups for people in recovery keeps them weak. That is the farthest thing from the truth becuase you draw strength from the knowledge that others have gone through this and made it. Damn if they can do it so can I and when you do make it you have a responsibility to help the next person get to the point that they can make it.
Today I can look at my journey of recovery and know that it was all worth the effort. Even though there were days I never thought I would make it. At the begining I could not imagine going one day without getting drunk or stoned. Today I can and I can do it today becuase today is all I really have. I am grateful for each person that is in my life and value them and charish them for all they bring to it. Thanks everyone, hope you all have a great day and God Bless, love you all.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Family, Family on the Wall
This holiday season as with all the others of my past brings with it the reminder that my family is distant. They are miles away geographically and a lifetime away in any other sense. You see my family is full of drunks and abusers and they never got over it or if they have I don't know anything about it. You see I ahve not gottent a phone call or holiday card from the in 30 years.
At one time I cared about why they were treating me the way they were. I sobered up and made something of myself and raised two kids that I am very proud of. Yet nothing has changed, they still want nothing to do with me. What has changed is that I no longer wait for that phone call or that Christmas card. Though there is still hope that some day they will be willing to accept me into their lives again.
What I do know now and it took me a long time to get here is that I am not responsible for the choices they make. I held onto the idea that this year it would be different for too many years. I got angry with them for far too long because their lack of contact punished my kids for things I did or they did. I think that was probably the hardest part of all, I could deal with the idea that they felt they still needed to punish me but my kids, that was a different matter.
At first I thought itheir lack of contact was because becuase of things I had done. Then I thought is was because of the fact that I had sobered up and they had not. Then it just no longer matter what excuse was used to justify what they were doing to my family. After years of hating myself and being angry with them, I realized that I was punishing my kids for what my family had done. I was just as guilty as they were in this area.
Today I am trying to heal that with my kids and hope that they will do better with their kids than I did in this area. My family is my family and I will always love them and I will always look in the mailbox this time of year to see if I got a Christmas card from them. My heart will always sink when there is no card from them again. What has changed is that I am no longer allowing them to destroy my holiday with my kids and the people in my life that I love.
It is about choices and this was a hard choice to make, to go on each year without them. You see I felt that I was turnign my back on them and felt very guilty about doing that. IN the end though I am responsible for the things that I do and not how others react to it. If they choose to never speak to me again that is their choice and I will live with it. I have been blessed with wondeful kids and people that I call my family.
I enjoy the holidays with the family I have, even if it is not the family I was born into. You see with the family I have I am able to be me. They love me for who I am and accept me flaws and all and I cannot ask for any better gift on any holiday. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.
At one time I cared about why they were treating me the way they were. I sobered up and made something of myself and raised two kids that I am very proud of. Yet nothing has changed, they still want nothing to do with me. What has changed is that I no longer wait for that phone call or that Christmas card. Though there is still hope that some day they will be willing to accept me into their lives again.
What I do know now and it took me a long time to get here is that I am not responsible for the choices they make. I held onto the idea that this year it would be different for too many years. I got angry with them for far too long because their lack of contact punished my kids for things I did or they did. I think that was probably the hardest part of all, I could deal with the idea that they felt they still needed to punish me but my kids, that was a different matter.
At first I thought itheir lack of contact was because becuase of things I had done. Then I thought is was because of the fact that I had sobered up and they had not. Then it just no longer matter what excuse was used to justify what they were doing to my family. After years of hating myself and being angry with them, I realized that I was punishing my kids for what my family had done. I was just as guilty as they were in this area.
Today I am trying to heal that with my kids and hope that they will do better with their kids than I did in this area. My family is my family and I will always love them and I will always look in the mailbox this time of year to see if I got a Christmas card from them. My heart will always sink when there is no card from them again. What has changed is that I am no longer allowing them to destroy my holiday with my kids and the people in my life that I love.
It is about choices and this was a hard choice to make, to go on each year without them. You see I felt that I was turnign my back on them and felt very guilty about doing that. IN the end though I am responsible for the things that I do and not how others react to it. If they choose to never speak to me again that is their choice and I will live with it. I have been blessed with wondeful kids and people that I call my family.
I enjoy the holidays with the family I have, even if it is not the family I was born into. You see with the family I have I am able to be me. They love me for who I am and accept me flaws and all and I cannot ask for any better gift on any holiday. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
What is Recovery?
I have known people that simply do not understand what recovery really means. They think that if you stop drink, druging or get out of the abusive relationship that you have recovered. The in reality is only half of the equasion and in fact it is the easiest part of all. For those that have tried this approach and only abstain they still have a life that is filled with all the same problems and behaviors as before.
Some people may even think I am crazy by saying that abstaining is the easy part and in reality it really is. The hard part comes when we have to look in the mirror and see who we have become as a result of our abusing the booze or drugs. Who we turning into becuase of the abuse of another that we loved. We all create false images of who we are and that can be really hard to break through to allow the real me to get through.
With time and lot of work I slowly identify the things that I did that hurt those around me and the things I did that hurt me. It is important to do that and to make amends for having done it. Yet, for many the best amends will be in the form of changed behavior, in not continuuing to do the same things over and over again. When we are in recovery it is not enough to just stop drinking, we also need to change the way we think, deal with issues and how we deal with others.
We no longer have the ability to hide behind a bottle, a pill or an abusive spouse. If we continue to do what we have always done we will only have ourselves to blame for it. Looking in the mirrow and see what looks back is the hardest thing anyone can ever do, when done honestly. The bravest thing we can do is to take action to change what we see by allowing ourselves to come out from behind the mask that we have created.
The bravery comes in when we allow ourselves to be real with all our flaws and allow others to love us for who we are and not for who we pretend to be. This is recovery and it is really hard to do becuase you ahve to be honest with yourself and others. You cannot hide behind masks like others do, you have to be real. It in being real and honest that we recover the thing that means the most and that was the highest price paid for the abuse of chemicals or the abuse at the hands of another. Our selves, our own identity our own soul.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.
Some people may even think I am crazy by saying that abstaining is the easy part and in reality it really is. The hard part comes when we have to look in the mirror and see who we have become as a result of our abusing the booze or drugs. Who we turning into becuase of the abuse of another that we loved. We all create false images of who we are and that can be really hard to break through to allow the real me to get through.
With time and lot of work I slowly identify the things that I did that hurt those around me and the things I did that hurt me. It is important to do that and to make amends for having done it. Yet, for many the best amends will be in the form of changed behavior, in not continuuing to do the same things over and over again. When we are in recovery it is not enough to just stop drinking, we also need to change the way we think, deal with issues and how we deal with others.
We no longer have the ability to hide behind a bottle, a pill or an abusive spouse. If we continue to do what we have always done we will only have ourselves to blame for it. Looking in the mirrow and see what looks back is the hardest thing anyone can ever do, when done honestly. The bravest thing we can do is to take action to change what we see by allowing ourselves to come out from behind the mask that we have created.
The bravery comes in when we allow ourselves to be real with all our flaws and allow others to love us for who we are and not for who we pretend to be. This is recovery and it is really hard to do becuase you ahve to be honest with yourself and others. You cannot hide behind masks like others do, you have to be real. It in being real and honest that we recover the thing that means the most and that was the highest price paid for the abuse of chemicals or the abuse at the hands of another. Our selves, our own identity our own soul.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Prep Time
Today we wrap up the week and get ready for tomorrow and all the activities that will come along with it. I am looking forward to having a little time off and being able to relax. I know that I will be cleaning and cooking and tending to all the last minute, I forgot to get this or that. I may even feel like puling my hair out at a time or two.
Yet this is all different the stress and anxiety of the day is about doing for the people in your life that you want to be there. I am excited because my son does nto have to work as originally thought and so both my kids will be home for Thanksgiving. It will be a day of travel and fun and enjoying the company of people that I both love and care about. People that hold a special place both in my heart and life.
I wish everyone the best that the day can bring as we all come together in gratitude for the people and events in our lives that keep it all interesting. It will be a fun day and thanks to all those special people in my life for being there. You guys mean the world to me.. Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all.
Yet this is all different the stress and anxiety of the day is about doing for the people in your life that you want to be there. I am excited because my son does nto have to work as originally thought and so both my kids will be home for Thanksgiving. It will be a day of travel and fun and enjoying the company of people that I both love and care about. People that hold a special place both in my heart and life.
I wish everyone the best that the day can bring as we all come together in gratitude for the people and events in our lives that keep it all interesting. It will be a fun day and thanks to all those special people in my life for being there. You guys mean the world to me.. Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Wakie Wakie
It is that time again, to wake up and begin a new week. It has occured to me that Thursday will be the first day I get to sleep in...mmmmmm The turkey will have to wait until 7 and I hope that I do not wake in a panic because I am late for work. I have been thing about the things in my life that I am thankful for and I would be here all day if I were to list them.
The first thing would have to be my friend and family and often times the lines between the two blures. They say that you can pick your friends but not your family and that is certainly true enough. Yet I have found that over the years we have two families. The one we were born into and the one we claim and they are not always the same. We allow people into our lives all the time and some I am glad that I did and others, well I am thankful they are gone.
For those that are in my life, they bring something positive to my life and I hope that I bring something positve to theirs' as well. The people in my life have touch my heart and made my life richer for their having been a part of it. That is a good feeling to have and to know that I have made better choices about who I allow into my life and who I do not. Those that we choose to call friend or family are those that have stood by our side time and time again when it mattered most. That is surely something to be grateful for, it is even better when they do not realize that they have been that in your life.
My friends and family are very special to me and I cannot imagine life without them and the joy and happiness they have brought into my life. Even when they have brough stress, anxiety or I just wanted to shake my head, it was still nice we they got it. You could be proud of them and what they have accomplished. We all face challenges and hardships and it is the special people in our lives that get us through the rough spots in life.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all.
The first thing would have to be my friend and family and often times the lines between the two blures. They say that you can pick your friends but not your family and that is certainly true enough. Yet I have found that over the years we have two families. The one we were born into and the one we claim and they are not always the same. We allow people into our lives all the time and some I am glad that I did and others, well I am thankful they are gone.
For those that are in my life, they bring something positive to my life and I hope that I bring something positve to theirs' as well. The people in my life have touch my heart and made my life richer for their having been a part of it. That is a good feeling to have and to know that I have made better choices about who I allow into my life and who I do not. Those that we choose to call friend or family are those that have stood by our side time and time again when it mattered most. That is surely something to be grateful for, it is even better when they do not realize that they have been that in your life.
My friends and family are very special to me and I cannot imagine life without them and the joy and happiness they have brought into my life. Even when they have brough stress, anxiety or I just wanted to shake my head, it was still nice we they got it. You could be proud of them and what they have accomplished. We all face challenges and hardships and it is the special people in our lives that get us through the rough spots in life.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all.
Hmm...Weekend
Well another weekend is quickly coming to a close and things have been very good this weekend. There have been some warm fuzzys and a few good hearts laughs at my daughters expense. She is learning to care for a 3mt old and is finding that it is not as easy as she thought. She learned her very first really important lesson about caring for a baby.
When a baby is sick and teething, apple juice is a no no. LOL She found out that you end up wearing the poo that comes flying out (explosively....think the Exorcist, only at the other end) LOL I can take heart in know that this is a lesson that she has learned all too well and I doubt seriously that she will be repeating it any time soon. Otherwise it has been a relaxing weekend as I was able to get my school work done.
I have to research a few things so I can get credit for classes that I have already taken, otherwise my schooling will go from one year to three. I am really not all that excited about going to school for another three years but if I do not have a choice, than I will have to do what I have to do. I know that in the end it will be worth it and I do have a stable job and in this day and age that is saying a lot.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving very much at this point as I will not be driving cab that day. Which will mean that that will be the first day I have had off since mid-May and I intend to enjoy it. Have a great night all and God Bless, Love yah all and thanks for being a part if my life.
When a baby is sick and teething, apple juice is a no no. LOL She found out that you end up wearing the poo that comes flying out (explosively....think the Exorcist, only at the other end) LOL I can take heart in know that this is a lesson that she has learned all too well and I doubt seriously that she will be repeating it any time soon. Otherwise it has been a relaxing weekend as I was able to get my school work done.
I have to research a few things so I can get credit for classes that I have already taken, otherwise my schooling will go from one year to three. I am really not all that excited about going to school for another three years but if I do not have a choice, than I will have to do what I have to do. I know that in the end it will be worth it and I do have a stable job and in this day and age that is saying a lot.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving very much at this point as I will not be driving cab that day. Which will mean that that will be the first day I have had off since mid-May and I intend to enjoy it. Have a great night all and God Bless, Love yah all and thanks for being a part if my life.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Mental Feng Mental Feng Shui
ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills
will be as important as any other.
THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR.
When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.
ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN!
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN.
Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN..
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE.
Spend some time alone.
Now that we have had our mental exercise for the day we can now all bend over and touch our toes...lol
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills
will be as important as any other.
THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR.
When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.
ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN!
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN.
Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN..
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE.
Spend some time alone.
Now that we have had our mental exercise for the day we can now all bend over and touch our toes...lol
Kids' duh
My daughter was the last of the kids to move out and she had everything going for her. She was on my health insurance, free room and board and all she had to do was follow my rules. Heck I even gave her and her boyfriend rides when they needed it. Well the day after she turned 18 she moved out and into her own place and did not need my help any more. She has since learned that when you are 18 and even when you are still in school, if your not living with your parents they have no say in anything.
This is what she wanted until it happened and than the reality of what that means and the fantasy of what that means come crashing into each other in an ugly mess. Bodies flying every where and illusions of the carefree life of an adult, lies dead on the of the road. she has suddenly found out that being an adult and on your own means that you are totally responsible for your life, your choices and the results of those choices. Duh, like I did not tell her and I know that others here have also told her that, months ago.
The unfortunate thing is that we are all over the age of 30 and as we all know, our brains turn to muxh when you hit 30 and you just become dumb. I want to pick her up and make it all better and at the same time I know that if I do that she is never going to learn what she needs to learn. Right now she is angry at her ma and I, the school and I am sure that I have forgotten a few more. She will get over it and learn some important lessons about life. The first being that no matter how much you think you know, life does not go the way you thought it would. HAve a great day all love yah and God Bless.
This is what she wanted until it happened and than the reality of what that means and the fantasy of what that means come crashing into each other in an ugly mess. Bodies flying every where and illusions of the carefree life of an adult, lies dead on the of the road. she has suddenly found out that being an adult and on your own means that you are totally responsible for your life, your choices and the results of those choices. Duh, like I did not tell her and I know that others here have also told her that, months ago.
The unfortunate thing is that we are all over the age of 30 and as we all know, our brains turn to muxh when you hit 30 and you just become dumb. I want to pick her up and make it all better and at the same time I know that if I do that she is never going to learn what she needs to learn. Right now she is angry at her ma and I, the school and I am sure that I have forgotten a few more. She will get over it and learn some important lessons about life. The first being that no matter how much you think you know, life does not go the way you thought it would. HAve a great day all love yah and God Bless.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Self Deception
I was 18 when I first cam to the realization that I might have a problem and I was both scare and pround that I had figured this out. So I went to my parents and shared this with them and expected that would be shocked to hear me say this. Their response was something like, "really wahta was your first clue, we've known for years." That was the first moment that I realized that there was some deceving going on, I just was not sure who was doing the deceving.
How could people know things about tat I did not know about myself. The idea that I was going to get sober out of some noble sense of self improvement was also far from the truth. The reality was thgat I had been drinking and using for 8 years and being a realist I know that my odds were getting short. If I did not do something I was going to end up in jail as an adult and have to do hard time. I was scared as hell and out to protect my own a**.
It would take another three years before I would finally get it and stop slipping. Needless to say that by than many of the people that cared about me had given up and walked away. They could not understand what I was going through and just how hard it was. You see it is not just getting past the booze and the drugs that is hard. It is also getting past the bull**** that I had told myself for so many years.
I needed to become willing to look to the center of my being and see what was there that was worth fighting for becuase I was in a fight for my life. If I did not sober up it was only a matter of time before I was going to be dead. It was really hard and at times very painful to see what I had become and how many people I had hurt. Today things are different and I have not only learned to care for myself but for others as well. Today I can look myself in the face and love myself and feel good about what I have become.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all
How could people know things about tat I did not know about myself. The idea that I was going to get sober out of some noble sense of self improvement was also far from the truth. The reality was thgat I had been drinking and using for 8 years and being a realist I know that my odds were getting short. If I did not do something I was going to end up in jail as an adult and have to do hard time. I was scared as hell and out to protect my own a**.
It would take another three years before I would finally get it and stop slipping. Needless to say that by than many of the people that cared about me had given up and walked away. They could not understand what I was going through and just how hard it was. You see it is not just getting past the booze and the drugs that is hard. It is also getting past the bull**** that I had told myself for so many years.
I needed to become willing to look to the center of my being and see what was there that was worth fighting for becuase I was in a fight for my life. If I did not sober up it was only a matter of time before I was going to be dead. It was really hard and at times very painful to see what I had become and how many people I had hurt. Today things are different and I have not only learned to care for myself but for others as well. Today I can look myself in the face and love myself and feel good about what I have become.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Relaxation
A simple word, 'relaxation', Yet, it has been one that I have seen very little of with the schedule I have been keeping. Last night was te first time in a very long time that I was able to just relax. I did help my son move some of his stuff from his old place to his new place and than I was able to just relax.
It was a great feeling and the best part of all was I did not feel guilty for doing it either lol. It is amazing how refreshed you can feel after a little bit of rest.
The job market around here has sucked in the IT sector and it had been hard finding anything that was not contract work. I finally found something and I have been there for a while now. Since than I ahve been working two jobs, seven days a week to get myself back on solid footing financially.
I am finally getting to the point that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking at dropping the second job around the end of this month. Then for the first time in a very long time I will ahve a couple days off each week. It is going to feel strange and I will have to make some adjustments again. I will have time to relax and enjoy life and not just work. It has been a lot of hard work to get to this point and I had to prove a lot of stuff to myself.
I built this home and I ahve been in it for almost seven years now and that has been hard for me. Until now the longest time I have ever lived in one place was 4-5 yrs, so there was a huge mental barrier that I had to cross there. Then there is the fact that I am living by myself for the first time in 20 yrs, actually the first time in my life. That was another mental barrier that needed to be crossed, that I could live by myself without the world caving in on me.
Then over the last decade I had supported anywhere from 3 to 8 people on whatever I was making at the time. Yet, I had been accused of not being capable of doing that and that brings me to the third mental barrier that needed to be crossed. In working hard and applying the financial plan that I have always believed in I have regain solid financial footing and I have done without help from anyone.
Then there is the final mental barrier that needed to be crossed and that was the one of fearing being alone. This is not the same as living by yourself becuase you can be in a room full of people and still be alone. In this I am refering to relationships and the idea that some had suggested that I could not function without being in a relationship. I am not in a relationship and I ahve not been in one for some time now. In fact my last girlfriend and I broke up in December of last year.
I am not in any big hurry to get into a relationship any time soon and it is not something that I need to survive. Last night when I was just able to relax for the first time in a very very long time, there was a feeling of arrival. Whatever point that was imagined was arrived at at that moment and it felt great. Life is great and I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin knowing that I have crossed all the mental barriers that needed to be crossed. Now life begins in ernest and lets see what God has in store for me, yippy.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love to you all.
It was a great feeling and the best part of all was I did not feel guilty for doing it either lol. It is amazing how refreshed you can feel after a little bit of rest.
The job market around here has sucked in the IT sector and it had been hard finding anything that was not contract work. I finally found something and I have been there for a while now. Since than I ahve been working two jobs, seven days a week to get myself back on solid footing financially.I am finally getting to the point that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking at dropping the second job around the end of this month. Then for the first time in a very long time I will ahve a couple days off each week. It is going to feel strange and I will have to make some adjustments again. I will have time to relax and enjoy life and not just work. It has been a lot of hard work to get to this point and I had to prove a lot of stuff to myself.
I built this home and I ahve been in it for almost seven years now and that has been hard for me. Until now the longest time I have ever lived in one place was 4-5 yrs, so there was a huge mental barrier that I had to cross there. Then there is the fact that I am living by myself for the first time in 20 yrs, actually the first time in my life. That was another mental barrier that needed to be crossed, that I could live by myself without the world caving in on me.
Then over the last decade I had supported anywhere from 3 to 8 people on whatever I was making at the time. Yet, I had been accused of not being capable of doing that and that brings me to the third mental barrier that needed to be crossed. In working hard and applying the financial plan that I have always believed in I have regain solid financial footing and I have done without help from anyone.
Then there is the final mental barrier that needed to be crossed and that was the one of fearing being alone. This is not the same as living by yourself becuase you can be in a room full of people and still be alone. In this I am refering to relationships and the idea that some had suggested that I could not function without being in a relationship. I am not in a relationship and I ahve not been in one for some time now. In fact my last girlfriend and I broke up in December of last year.
I am not in any big hurry to get into a relationship any time soon and it is not something that I need to survive. Last night when I was just able to relax for the first time in a very very long time, there was a feeling of arrival. Whatever point that was imagined was arrived at at that moment and it felt great. Life is great and I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin knowing that I have crossed all the mental barriers that needed to be crossed. Now life begins in ernest and lets see what God has in store for me, yippy.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love to you all.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Happy Thanks Giving
This is the time of year when we are supposed to be grateful for what we have and the people in our lives. I hope that this is not the only time of year we choose to be grateful or thankful for the people and things in our lives. I am very grateful for everyine that touches my life on a daily basis and that is a lot of people.
Each brings something out in me and helps me learn something new about me. Some times I see someone that is worse off than I am becuase they have more or less than I do. Becuase it I have come to the conclusion that it is not the things we have that really matters, it is the people in our lives that really make a difference.
In our world of instant gratification it is not something we are taught to value. It seems that it is far more important to get it at 70% off original price than to tell or show someone that you care. If you had no money, who would still be in your life? I have been given people to love and to care for and I do. Everyone has issues and problems and at times I can be there for them or help them along the way.
The best gift you can give this year to someone is that they do not feel alone in their journey in life, At times the journey is hard and the road is rocky and at other times is is smooth as glass. No matter what your road condition is, it is always better when you have someone to share it with. It back the bad times better and the good times great. A toy or scarf cannot give that to anyone. I am thankful for all the people in my life for each of you have been a blessing in your own special way.
Thanks for being a part of my life and my holiday. Have a great day and God bless, love yah all.
Each brings something out in me and helps me learn something new about me. Some times I see someone that is worse off than I am becuase they have more or less than I do. Becuase it I have come to the conclusion that it is not the things we have that really matters, it is the people in our lives that really make a difference.
In our world of instant gratification it is not something we are taught to value. It seems that it is far more important to get it at 70% off original price than to tell or show someone that you care. If you had no money, who would still be in your life? I have been given people to love and to care for and I do. Everyone has issues and problems and at times I can be there for them or help them along the way.
The best gift you can give this year to someone is that they do not feel alone in their journey in life, At times the journey is hard and the road is rocky and at other times is is smooth as glass. No matter what your road condition is, it is always better when you have someone to share it with. It back the bad times better and the good times great. A toy or scarf cannot give that to anyone. I am thankful for all the people in my life for each of you have been a blessing in your own special way.
Thanks for being a part of my life and my holiday. Have a great day and God bless, love yah all.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
God's Will for Us
In recovery they ask us to consider God's will for us and for an addict that is somethig that is really hard to do. We are such a head strong bunch and we always know what is good for us, or so we think. If we know what is so good for us than why are we miserable so much of the time?
I have found that when I step out the driver's seat and let God sit there my life goes so much better. I do not need dramam in my life becuase life is filled with happiness. I do not need to have bad relationships becuase I have good ones. My stress levels go down and I can sleep better at night. So why didn't I let him drive much siiner than I did, in short, I'm stubborn and I know it.
The days are good and I can see the progress that I am making each and every day. Some times the things are big and at other times they are small but they are there. It is simply a matter of taking the time to see the miracles that unfold in my life. I have come to understand that God's will for us is to be happy and not the short term superfishal happines but real solid happiness.
The difference between the two is very noticalble. When you ahve real happiness in your life you hold onto it with both hands. Nothing can take it away from you and the little things that would normally anoye you just role off you back. People can open their mouths and say stupid things and it has not affect on you. Only those that have no happiness want to take away your happiness while those that know happiness will celebrate your happiness. Your happiness is God's will for you and the only thing that changes is what it takes for each to have our own hapiness.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love to you all.
I have found that when I step out the driver's seat and let God sit there my life goes so much better. I do not need dramam in my life becuase life is filled with happiness. I do not need to have bad relationships becuase I have good ones. My stress levels go down and I can sleep better at night. So why didn't I let him drive much siiner than I did, in short, I'm stubborn and I know it.
The days are good and I can see the progress that I am making each and every day. Some times the things are big and at other times they are small but they are there. It is simply a matter of taking the time to see the miracles that unfold in my life. I have come to understand that God's will for us is to be happy and not the short term superfishal happines but real solid happiness.
The difference between the two is very noticalble. When you ahve real happiness in your life you hold onto it with both hands. Nothing can take it away from you and the little things that would normally anoye you just role off you back. People can open their mouths and say stupid things and it has not affect on you. Only those that have no happiness want to take away your happiness while those that know happiness will celebrate your happiness. Your happiness is God's will for you and the only thing that changes is what it takes for each to have our own hapiness.
Have a great day all and God Bless, love to you all.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Past to Present
One of the beliefs that I told to strongly is that our past does not define what we are to become. Simply because you were abused does not mean that you will abuse. If people treat you badly it does not mean that you have to treat others badly in return. While my mother was the source of much of the abuse I suffered as a child she also taught me that, 'if I don't like it than to change it in myself'.
I have tried to go out of my way to be nice to people my whole life because I wanted to be different and I did not want to carry on where others had left off with abuse. I am human and I am by no means perfect or a saint, I am simply determined to do things differently. That is my choice and it is also my choice not to allow the past to become a crutch to excuse bad behavior.
Today is my life and I ahve a good life that is filled with hard work and happiness. It is that way because that is what I chose to fill it with. My boss knows I am in scholl to finish my degree and he knows that when I am done that I will have a lot of doors open to me. He asked me straight out how much time he had left becuase he knows that there will be companies that will offer me far more money than he can.
I told him I am looking at July/August as time frame to finish school and than let the bidding war begin. It feels good to know that I am appreciated at work, Lord knows that does not happen very often lol. My future today is based on what I am doing in my life not on what happened to me in the past. The things that happened to me in the past drive me to make a better life for myself and for anyone that I choose to care about. Right now the future looks very bright from here and since my kids have grown and moved out on their own there are no limits.
I can now accept any job in any location that meets my needs and that is both exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I am also being realistic about it all to since it looked great before I graduated with my AAS and than the bottom fell out, so my hope and prayers are that it will not fall out again. I hope my past will help people understand that you are not chained to your past. That it can make you stronger and be a motivator to make for yourself that life you want and deserve. Or you can choose to stay in the past and keep doing what youi always did and expect the world to change to your beat, and we all know that will never happen.
All we have is today and it is our job to make today the best day of our life. Life is after all what we make for ourselves not what other define for us, so make this life great. Have a great day all, God Bless and I love you all.
I have tried to go out of my way to be nice to people my whole life because I wanted to be different and I did not want to carry on where others had left off with abuse. I am human and I am by no means perfect or a saint, I am simply determined to do things differently. That is my choice and it is also my choice not to allow the past to become a crutch to excuse bad behavior.
Today is my life and I ahve a good life that is filled with hard work and happiness. It is that way because that is what I chose to fill it with. My boss knows I am in scholl to finish my degree and he knows that when I am done that I will have a lot of doors open to me. He asked me straight out how much time he had left becuase he knows that there will be companies that will offer me far more money than he can.
I told him I am looking at July/August as time frame to finish school and than let the bidding war begin. It feels good to know that I am appreciated at work, Lord knows that does not happen very often lol. My future today is based on what I am doing in my life not on what happened to me in the past. The things that happened to me in the past drive me to make a better life for myself and for anyone that I choose to care about. Right now the future looks very bright from here and since my kids have grown and moved out on their own there are no limits.
I can now accept any job in any location that meets my needs and that is both exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I am also being realistic about it all to since it looked great before I graduated with my AAS and than the bottom fell out, so my hope and prayers are that it will not fall out again. I hope my past will help people understand that you are not chained to your past. That it can make you stronger and be a motivator to make for yourself that life you want and deserve. Or you can choose to stay in the past and keep doing what youi always did and expect the world to change to your beat, and we all know that will never happen.
All we have is today and it is our job to make today the best day of our life. Life is after all what we make for ourselves not what other define for us, so make this life great. Have a great day all, God Bless and I love you all.
Growing up Abused
Growing up in an abusive family you gain a very twisted idea of what love is. As a child I found myself being abused by every one in the family that felt they had a reason that they could justify. It is a sad state when you become conditioned to believe that abuse equals love. When they bring God into it by telling you they are showing you God's love, makes it even worse.
They not only screw with your head about what a relationship is they also screw with your head about what God means. For the longest time if I was not allowing people into my life that would abuse me I was abusing myself in a twisted idea of self love. In hind sight what comes out of the fog of time is a far different reality, one that leaves you filled with shame and disgust.
The idea that you would invite people into your life just so they can hurt you, I find unimaginable now and yet so easy to do. In hind sight I know that the people that were in my life in the past were more of a reflection of myself and how I viewed my own self worth than anything about them. To see look at yourself in the mirror and not see someone that is worth living, loving or being loved is hard.
What is even harder is to break the cycle of hurt and pain and open yourself to all the positive things that exist in the light of God's love. Today I can see the love that I know that God has for me and the tenderness that he fills my heart. I think that the fact that I am capable of loving myself and another is a miracle that could never have happened without God being a part of my life.
Today I ahve choices about the direction of my life and the peoiple that I choose to invite into my life. I choices about the kinds of behavior that is allowable and what behaviors will not be allowable. My wish for those that are traveling down the road of recovery from abuse is that they do not loose faith. It does get better with time and it is a lot of work to get to apoint that you can live again. What it takes is a complete transformation in the way you look at everything in life, especially yourself.
I can choose to do that which I have always done and hope something different happens. I can also choose to do things differently than I have done before and see what happens. In changing my habits and beliefs I open myself to all the possibilities and I also open myself to the possibility of being hurt. I have a choice and that is something that I no long am willing to allow those that abused me to take away from me.
I have forgiven those that abused me becuase I believe that they did not know any better. That does not mean that what they did was right, only that we live what we have been taught. When you have been a victim of abuse you tend to hurt others before they have a chance to hurt you. The hardest thing is to allow the hurting to stop and the healing to begin and that takes a great deal of faith in God and yourself. If we want to know what love means look no farther than 1 Corintians and you will see how God defines it and it is unconditional.
Good Night All, God Bless and I love you all
They not only screw with your head about what a relationship is they also screw with your head about what God means. For the longest time if I was not allowing people into my life that would abuse me I was abusing myself in a twisted idea of self love. In hind sight what comes out of the fog of time is a far different reality, one that leaves you filled with shame and disgust.
The idea that you would invite people into your life just so they can hurt you, I find unimaginable now and yet so easy to do. In hind sight I know that the people that were in my life in the past were more of a reflection of myself and how I viewed my own self worth than anything about them. To see look at yourself in the mirror and not see someone that is worth living, loving or being loved is hard.
What is even harder is to break the cycle of hurt and pain and open yourself to all the positive things that exist in the light of God's love. Today I can see the love that I know that God has for me and the tenderness that he fills my heart. I think that the fact that I am capable of loving myself and another is a miracle that could never have happened without God being a part of my life.
Today I ahve choices about the direction of my life and the peoiple that I choose to invite into my life. I choices about the kinds of behavior that is allowable and what behaviors will not be allowable. My wish for those that are traveling down the road of recovery from abuse is that they do not loose faith. It does get better with time and it is a lot of work to get to apoint that you can live again. What it takes is a complete transformation in the way you look at everything in life, especially yourself.
I can choose to do that which I have always done and hope something different happens. I can also choose to do things differently than I have done before and see what happens. In changing my habits and beliefs I open myself to all the possibilities and I also open myself to the possibility of being hurt. I have a choice and that is something that I no long am willing to allow those that abused me to take away from me.
I have forgiven those that abused me becuase I believe that they did not know any better. That does not mean that what they did was right, only that we live what we have been taught. When you have been a victim of abuse you tend to hurt others before they have a chance to hurt you. The hardest thing is to allow the hurting to stop and the healing to begin and that takes a great deal of faith in God and yourself. If we want to know what love means look no farther than 1 Corintians and you will see how God defines it and it is unconditional.
Good Night All, God Bless and I love you all
Sunday, November 11, 2007
?Love, what is it really?
I find it interesting to hear people talk about love and what they think it is. Looking around you can still to this dayfind couples that are celebrating their 50th and I have known a couple that have celebrated their 60th wedding aniversery. Do you think they may know something about what love is? I have to be honest here and provide the disclaimer that I have now been married and divorced three times.
I suppose that would say that I have not had much luck in this aspect of my life or it could say that I have not found real love. I have learned a lot about what love is not and what it is not is abuse. I have had wives that cheated on me and some that abused me and there was nothing remotely loving about that. Yet all I wanted was to be loved and wanted and I was willing to do whatever it took to fill that need. The price I would pay emotionally, physically or spiritually did not matter.
What I have learned is that real love is something that always builds you up and makes you a better person than you could have ever hoped to be without it. It is not about keeping score of wrongs done or hurts inflicted. It means being honest with the person you love because you love them and they are important to you. There is no room for head games to try and trick someone into loving you becuase you know they do.
Love is the warm of a summer day in the middle of winter. Love is being able to feel safe being happy or sad. Love is knowing that you are never alone. Love is knowing that you are accepted for you. Love comes in many shapes and sizes but true love is always unconditional. It is never a weapon used to control another and get them to do what you want them to do.
To be loved is to have someone that is there for you on different levels and knowing that you never have to ask if they are there for you. To be loved is to feel whole and complete, to hurt when they are gone. Love is feeling their presence when they are not around. Love is not abusing someone. Love is not using someone. Love is not giving up on someone because of a problem. Too many relationships fall apart when the slightest problem comes along. When two people love each other they can get through any problem becuase they do it together. When two people love each other nothing can come between them for they do not allow it. True love is perfect and because we are human we will never be perfect but true love is the closest we can get to being perfect.
I suppose that would say that I have not had much luck in this aspect of my life or it could say that I have not found real love. I have learned a lot about what love is not and what it is not is abuse. I have had wives that cheated on me and some that abused me and there was nothing remotely loving about that. Yet all I wanted was to be loved and wanted and I was willing to do whatever it took to fill that need. The price I would pay emotionally, physically or spiritually did not matter.
What I have learned is that real love is something that always builds you up and makes you a better person than you could have ever hoped to be without it. It is not about keeping score of wrongs done or hurts inflicted. It means being honest with the person you love because you love them and they are important to you. There is no room for head games to try and trick someone into loving you becuase you know they do.
Love is the warm of a summer day in the middle of winter. Love is being able to feel safe being happy or sad. Love is knowing that you are never alone. Love is knowing that you are accepted for you. Love comes in many shapes and sizes but true love is always unconditional. It is never a weapon used to control another and get them to do what you want them to do.
To be loved is to have someone that is there for you on different levels and knowing that you never have to ask if they are there for you. To be loved is to feel whole and complete, to hurt when they are gone. Love is feeling their presence when they are not around. Love is not abusing someone. Love is not using someone. Love is not giving up on someone because of a problem. Too many relationships fall apart when the slightest problem comes along. When two people love each other they can get through any problem becuase they do it together. When two people love each other nothing can come between them for they do not allow it. True love is perfect and because we are human we will never be perfect but true love is the closest we can get to being perfect.
Oddities
The weekend has come to an end and I am enjoying the wondeful weather we are having. I have to because I do not know how much longer it will last. I went down to the lake to see what was new and to look at the duck and geese. They were all forming up getting read to bed down for the night and I was pleasently surprised to see that the Swans were still out. It turned ugly when I noticed one of them was eating a plastic bag that someone had discarded into their area.
I called the DNR and they may or may not be able to do anything about it, I they can and will. I would hate to see one of the swans chock and die on a plastic bag. In some ways it is reflective of the way things go in life becuase we often times see things that look wonderful and when we look beyond the surface we see the ungliness. The hard part comes when you try to get help and it does not come and in the end we have to leave it in God's very capable hands.
That is the hard part becuase we always want to do more and the consiquences for doing more could cause more problems for you than you could have hoped to solve for someone else. Unlike the swans we have the ability to defend ourselves and to do what is right, even when it is scary. Deep down we always know what is right and what we need to do to protect ourselves and yet we fall short much of the time.
I know that for myself that falling short comes from the fear of uncertainty. Wondering if I am doing the right thing or not and what will happen if I do it or if I do not do it. I have had plenty of times when I have trusted God with my life and times when I was afraid to. I know that he has done very well for me when I have let go and let him do what he needed to do in my life. I am at that point again when I know that I am supposed to and can turn it all over to hiim and yet at times I still find it hard.
I know that in my own way of doing things I have screwed up badly in my life. I have failed in my financies and pick women to be involved with that ended up being abusive. I know that he can and does do much better for me when I get out of his way and let him do his thing. The next couple of months will be hard with the holidays and all. The kids are on their own and will be splitting the holidays with their families and the families of their significant others. So that will be something new and I will admit scary and I will jsut have to give it to God and see what happens. I had no choice but to leave the swan in his hands I am sure I can leave my life in his hands as well. Have a great night and God Bless, love yah all.
I called the DNR and they may or may not be able to do anything about it, I they can and will. I would hate to see one of the swans chock and die on a plastic bag. In some ways it is reflective of the way things go in life becuase we often times see things that look wonderful and when we look beyond the surface we see the ungliness. The hard part comes when you try to get help and it does not come and in the end we have to leave it in God's very capable hands.
That is the hard part becuase we always want to do more and the consiquences for doing more could cause more problems for you than you could have hoped to solve for someone else. Unlike the swans we have the ability to defend ourselves and to do what is right, even when it is scary. Deep down we always know what is right and what we need to do to protect ourselves and yet we fall short much of the time.
I know that for myself that falling short comes from the fear of uncertainty. Wondering if I am doing the right thing or not and what will happen if I do it or if I do not do it. I have had plenty of times when I have trusted God with my life and times when I was afraid to. I know that he has done very well for me when I have let go and let him do what he needed to do in my life. I am at that point again when I know that I am supposed to and can turn it all over to hiim and yet at times I still find it hard.
I know that in my own way of doing things I have screwed up badly in my life. I have failed in my financies and pick women to be involved with that ended up being abusive. I know that he can and does do much better for me when I get out of his way and let him do his thing. The next couple of months will be hard with the holidays and all. The kids are on their own and will be splitting the holidays with their families and the families of their significant others. So that will be something new and I will admit scary and I will jsut have to give it to God and see what happens. I had no choice but to leave the swan in his hands I am sure I can leave my life in his hands as well. Have a great night and God Bless, love yah all.
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