Self Deception

I was 18 when I first cam to the realization that I might have a problem and I was both scare and pround that I had figured this out. So I went to my parents and shared this with them and expected that would be shocked to hear me say this. Their response was something like, "really wahta was your first clue, we've known for years." That was the first moment that I realized that there was some deceving going on, I just was not sure who was doing the deceving.

How could people know things about tat I did not know about myself. The idea that I was going to get sober out of some noble sense of self improvement was also far from the truth. The reality was thgat I had been drinking and using for 8 years and being a realist I know that my odds were getting short. If I did not do something I was going to end up in jail as an adult and have to do hard time. I was scared as hell and out to protect my own a**.

It would take another three years before I would finally get it and stop slipping. Needless to say that by than many of the people that cared about me had given up and walked away. They could not understand what I was going through and just how hard it was. You see it is not just getting past the booze and the drugs that is hard. It is also getting past the bull**** that I had told myself for so many years.

I needed to become willing to look to the center of my being and see what was there that was worth fighting for becuase I was in a fight for my life. If I did not sober up it was only a matter of time before I was going to be dead. It was really hard and at times very painful to see what I had become and how many people I had hurt. Today things are different and I have not only learned to care for myself but for others as well. Today I can look myself in the face and love myself and feel good about what I have become.

Have a great day all and God Bless, love yah all