Family, Family on the Wall

This holiday season as with all the others of my past brings with it the reminder that my family is distant. They are miles away geographically and a lifetime away in any other sense. You see my family is full of drunks and abusers and they never got over it or if they have I don't know anything about it. You see I ahve not gottent a phone call or holiday card from the in 30 years.

At one time I cared about why they were treating me the way they were. I sobered up and made something of myself and raised two kids that I am very proud of. Yet nothing has changed, they still want nothing to do with me. What has changed is that I no longer wait for that phone call or that Christmas card. Though there is still hope that some day they will be willing to accept me into their lives again.

What I do know now and it took me a long time to get here is that I am not responsible for the choices they make. I held onto the idea that this year it would be different for too many years. I got angry with them for far too long because their lack of contact punished my kids for things I did or they did. I think that was probably the hardest part of all, I could deal with the idea that they felt they still needed to punish me but my kids, that was a different matter.

At first I thought itheir lack of contact was because becuase of things I had done. Then I thought is was because of the fact that I had sobered up and they had not. Then it just no longer matter what excuse was used to justify what they were doing to my family. After years of hating myself and being angry with them, I realized that I was punishing my kids for what my family had done. I was just as guilty as they were in this area.

Today I am trying to heal that with my kids and hope that they will do better with their kids than I did in this area. My family is my family and I will always love them and I will always look in the mailbox this time of year to see if I got a Christmas card from them. My heart will always sink when there is no card from them again. What has changed is that I am no longer allowing them to destroy my holiday with my kids and the people in my life that I love.

It is about choices and this was a hard choice to make, to go on each year without them. You see I felt that I was turnign my back on them and felt very guilty about doing that. IN the end though I am responsible for the things that I do and not how others react to it. If they choose to never speak to me again that is their choice and I will live with it. I have been blessed with wondeful kids and people that I call my family.

I enjoy the holidays with the family I have, even if it is not the family I was born into. You see with the family I have I am able to be me. They love me for who I am and accept me flaws and all and I cannot ask for any better gift on any holiday. Have a great day all and God Bless, love you all.