Today is a peaceful day and yet I know that when it comes time to come home my anxiety levels will rise as they usually do. It is caused by a fear of what I will walk into when I get home. Will I be attacked for something I did not do or say but they remember clearly that I did or said? Will I be attacked because they know what I am thinking and they know it is nothing good about them? Will I be attacked for what they are sure that I am feeling? This is just more of the same abuse that we deal with and the impact it has on our lives both while in a relationship with an abuser and long after.

I have concerns about getting into another relationship because of those very same fears because so many of the relationships I have had have ended up like that. It is a scary place to be because like everyone else I want that intimate contact and yet I find myself terrified that I will once again find myself being afraid to come home at night. I should never have to fear coming home because home should be a safe place to go to get away from all the craziness of the rest of the world. To be able to come home and not be afraid is by far the best thing that could happen and I know that it will happen. My roommate will be moving soon and I will be able to feel at peace about coming home and not have to fear how she will react to my coming home any longer. Soon I will no longer have to worry about what she says I said, or what she clearly remembers never saying. I will not have to deal with telling me that it is all in my mind and that it never happened. Soon sanity will return to my home and I will be able to heal once again but the damage is done and I do not know what will happen after she is gone. I don’t know if I have it in me to have another relationship or if I am willing to take the chance of finding someone only to find out they are needy and abusive.