Today any hope I had for a relationship with a certain person was ended. She just could not find it in her to love me as more than a friend. This is something that I have grown to expect over the years and it has made life a real challenge. The only ones that were interested in being more, would do the abusing in my adult life.

Considering all the things I have been through, I still feel the need to seek more and to be more than I seem destined to. I want and strive to have a normal life, though I have no real idea of what that is. For me normal is always being on the lookout for the next person that will hurt me. Then feeling totally devastated when I choose to allow myself to trust someone, only to have that trust broken.

I do not know if I will ever have the life I want. I may have a great job and make good money but there is more to life than money. The abuse I have suffered has left me feeling alone and isolated in this world and unsure of what to do or even how to do it when I do figure out what to do. I do have a strong faith in God and yet when my heart is broken I cannot help but ask why.

Is there a reason that I should be denied the love and closeness that so many others take for granted. Today my heart lies in ruins and my hopes seem dashed upon the rocks of life’s shore. Yet I know that with each passing moment is a chance for a new beginning and a chance for love and acceptance. I cannot change what has happened to me but I can change how I choose to deal with it and how I choose to live my life.

I know and understand that God has a place and a purpose for each of us and I have chosen to use the pain to help others heal from their pain. I can only hope that I will also e allowed to heal from my pain and not dwell on what might have been but rather what is. I have no way of knowing what I might have been like had I not been abused for I spent so much of my life being abused.

Being a survivor of abuse in some ways had made me tougher than I think I might have been otherwise. Yet in matters of the heart it has left me totally insecure and afraid of what might happen. Can I trust someone enough to let them get close enough to hurt me? In order to feel loved I have to allow someone close enough to hurt me and than it only ads to the damage that has been done my so many before. I keep hoping that I can get to the other side of this pain and tortured existence and be able to find happiness.