The scares of domestic violence

As a survivor I have a responsibility to myself and to the people that I care about to protect myself from those that would hurt me. We all have that responsibility and at times it can be very hard to do because the way we look at things are a bit twisted to start with. Depending on the kind of day I am having I will either trust everyone or no one. There are going to be those that will say things out and truly not realize what they are saying and then there are those that do know.

I have no way to tell the difference between the two and so I need to verify something that I am being told before I commit to taking action on it. At least in doing that I protect myself from being hurt and I also protect people that I care about from being hurt by the words of another. Trust is something that I do have a very hard time with and that causes me to feel very insecure in my day to day activities. I never really know that I am on solid footing and able to build something special for myself.

There s always that lingering doubt that whatever good is going on will last. I am not sure how to be able to build a sense of security and stability in my life, money just does not seem to be the answer and relationships of any kind are always filled with insecurity. The best that I can do is to work a solid program of recovery and place the issues in God’s hands. I am sure that everything will happen when the time is right and the hard part is knowing that at some time in the future the time will be right.

For now it is a matter of doing things one day at a time and praying hard for peace to come into my life in a meaning for way. I have found it for brief moments of time so I do know that it is real and that I can have it. I also know that it feels real good when it does happen and because it has happened it will happen again. No matter what happened to me in the past it does not mean that is has to happen again in the future. If I am vigilant and take it one day at a time I will be “ok” and for today that is good enough.

I always have the ability to build on what I have accomplished today and that is something that cannot be taken away from me. One of the hard things I had to deal with is seeing how the abuse I suffered has impacted my kids. I had hoped and prayed that they would have been freed from the damage, even though I know that that is not possible. So I watch my kids struggle with many of the same issues I have been dealing with and that is hard to see. I can only hope that they will get the help they need to not have the life that I have lived.