Expectations

We can at times place expectations in people for how they will treat you or deal with you. I have learned and at times painfully so that placing expectations on others and at time event myself can be very disappointing. When I live in the circle of expectations I can assured that I will get hurt. I can choose not to love in that circle of expectations and thereby prevent myself from getting hurt.

If I do not put people on a pedestal they cannot fall short of my view of them. I also understand that there is a difference between expectations and hopes. We all need hope to allow us to continue to move forward in life. The difference between the two is a simple one really. I can hope that someone will act a certain way or deal with something a certain way and I am not counting on them to do so. When I place expectations on someone I am counting on them to react a certain way and that allows me to feel very hurt when they do not act as I expect them to. Step out of the circle of expectations and begin to live again and grab a hand full of hope and move forward, leave the expectations and the hurt behind.

Depression

This is something that I do suffer from and recently and is the cause for my not posting. It is something that should be taken seriously and you should always seek the help of a trained professional. I find myself in the same position as many others. I make too much to get public assistance and too little to get my own health insurance. I had to battle through the darkness with the help of friends and family and my higher power that I choose to call God. While I do feel better now I am reminded about how hard it for us to deal with depression and the fact that it can come on when you least expect it. Depression is serious and this time I made it through it and I feel better for what I have been able to accomplish. I took care of myself and worked the plan that my therapist and I put together to help me because we both knew I was going to end up without insurance. We need to work with what we have been given and do all that we can and trust in God that it will get better and so long as we take care of ourselves we can accomplish many great things.

Doing the right Thing

Some times doing the right thing leaves us feeling uncomfortable and that is not because we are doing something wrong but rather because we are outside our comfort zone. It is never wrong to do the right thing and sometimes it can be hard and painful but the end result will be a better life for your family and for yourself as well. Keep doing the right thing and life will be good.

Taking Responsibility

We make choices each and every day, to do this or to do that. Some times our choices work out and sometimes they do not but they are none the less our choices. So it is our right to be responsible for the choices we make no matter what the outcome is. It is by far much easier to take credit for the choices we make when the outcome is good and blame others when it is not. That is not being honest with ourselves and we need to and owe to ourselves to be honest with ourselves. After all we are human and we need to allow ourselves to be human and that means we will make mistakes and than we can deal with the outcome of our mistakes and learn from them.

Imprisoned

I have found, that I am imprisoned by my own thoughts and fears and they are based on my experiences of the past. Even though it has been a couple of years since I left all the abusive relationships behind, the fears still creep in. I find that if I am expecting something I can handle it just fine and my fears do not take over. Though if something comes up that I am not expecting, my fears take over and I can find myself having a panic attack very quickly.

When these things happen that are very unsettling. This is because I normally consider myself to calm cool and collected. It is hard to see myself suddenly loose it, either by myself or in front of others. This seems to make it even worse and yet I know that as a whole I am stronger than I have ever been in my life. I hold onto the hope that someday these experiences will vanish but I am not at all sure that they will. So I move forward secure in the idea that I am getting better each and every day. I am strong and I am empowered by my own efforts to live a healthy life.

The Joy of the Season

The joy in the season comes from the giving of gifts to those we care deeply for. It also comes from the joy that our faith in a higher power bring into our life. The songs are filled with thoughts of peace on earth and being free from the abusive relationship brings peace to our heart and world.

We will have to deal with those that just don’t understand but in the end leaving the abusive relationship is the best gift we could possibly give ourselves. They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for. This is something that is definitely worth having, freedom from abuse. The gift we give our children and ourselves is one of peace, strength, faith, love and closure.

We will find that the dust will settle and many will come to understand and they will be by our side. Then there will be some that will never understand and that is ok. It is on them and not a reflection on you or anything you have done. Enjoy this holiday and all the others that will come in your life. They are meant to be enjoyed and not worried over, have fun and enjoy your peace on earth and in your home.

Nothing Wrong

When I got out of the abusive relationships I had been in I began to hear all the things people had been saying. They could not understand why I was in the relationships and that I was wrong to stay in it for as long as I did. Some even said I was wrong to get out of it. It hurt greatly to hear them say the things they were, after all these were supposed to be my friends.

They did not know what being in an abusive relationship was like or why I stayed. They did not understand that I stayed because I thought I could change things. That I believed if I loved them enough they would change. They did understand how trapped I felt and the incredible amount of fear I felt about what would happen to the kids if I left. Then being a man there was also the fear that no one would believe me that I was being abused. After all everyone knows men don’t get abused and that was the one fear that became reality. Very few people outside the closest people to me believed me, those closest to me believed because they had seen it for themselves. I did nothing wrong and neither have you.

Roadblocks

I have found over the years that I have constructed roadblocks along the way and never realized it. I put thing in my life that were there to help me and they kept me safe. What I did not realize was that as I grew as a person some of those things no longer helpful to me. I out grew what they could do for me and I had to move on to new things. Sometimes it was a person, place or thing that provided that sense of security for a moment in time.

We need to always be aware of our own growth and see what is going on around us. This will allow us to continue to grow by allowing us to remove the roadblocks that keep us from further growth. We weed our gardens to allow our flowers to grow and be all they can be. Removing the roadblock in our life allow us to continue to grow and be all we can be. You will be amazed at where you end up.

Time for Rest

There comes a point in everything that we do that we just need to shut down for a little bit. There is nothing wrong with that and it only means that you are tired. When you are leaving or you have recently left and abusive relationship it is something that is extremely draining both physically and emotionally. There is a significant release of stress and that also contributes to the amount of exhaustion you will feel. It is all good and it is also very normal.

In the process of freeing yourself from the abuser you will need to keep in mind that you do need to take care of yourself. There may even need to be people around you to remind you to take care of yourself. This is because while we are in an abusive relationship we forget to take care of ourselves and now it is something that we need to learn to do. So give yourself a break and get some rest. Everything you think you need to get done will be there when you are ready to go back to it. There is no shame or disgrace in relaxing and taking care of yourself.

The Good and the Bad

One of the things that I thought would happen after I left the abuser was that my life would get so much better. After all with all I had been through could it really get any worse and naturally the answer was, yes. The fact that things did get worse caused me to question my abilities and whether I had done the right thing or not.

Was it really her that caused so many of the problems I was experiencing or was she right and I was just that bad? The reality was that the truth lied some where in the middle and I would have to find that truth for myself. It was a dark journey of self doubt and self loathing and finally I would begin to see the light of day. I would have to learn to trust myself and that would not be easy. After all trusting myself is what got me into this problem in the first place.

At least that is what I told myself when I was beginning my journey of recovery from the abuse. The reality was once again different from my perception. The reality was that I knew I was getting into an abusive relationship and that it was a bad idea, I did not listen to myself and I wish I had. That has helped me to begin to trust my own judgement and at times it is still hard. You make a choice and you feel sure about how it will turn out and when it does not turn out that way you begin to doubt yourself, again. It does get better with time.

Battered Men

There are many that will tell you that men do not get abused. That is something that we tell ourselves to allow us to sleep well at night but it has little to do with reality. The reality is that men do get abused and I believe that they get abused in similar numbers as women do.

The difference is that men are less likely to report it to authorities when it does happen. Also when they do do the police file the report as a domestic assault or just as a simple assault? It makes a big difference as to how it is handled within the system. If a man accuses his wife or girlfriend of domestic assault and it is recorded as a simple assault it never hits the system and the abuse never happened.

Things have changed and men have been abused for years and now it is time that they get the same treatment that everyone else gets. It is not ok to say that it does not happen, that they deserved it or that it is not as bad. Abuse is abuse and there is no acceptable boundary for when it is ok. Domestic violence needs to come to an end, no one deserves to be abused.

Another Morning

Today I wake up and enjoy a cup of coffee and the silence that fills the house. I think about how blessed I am and how much I am enjoying life. Its moments like this that allows me to see how far my life has come from the abuse of the past. Life is very good and I know that it will only get better, all I need to do is take it one day at a time.

Freedom

This is something that we have wanted for so long and when we do finally get our freedom, we have no idea what to do with it. We can feel lost and very much overwhelmed by our new found freedom. This is something that is perfectly normal and to be expected. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling overwhelmed by all that is out there.

You have a chance to make real choices for yourself and that can be scary but have faith. Your ability to make good choices will prove itself in time. You are already off to a good start because you are reading this blog. That means you are either thinking of leaving an abusive relationship or you have left one already and you are building a new life for yourself.

All the feelings you have right now are normal and good to experience. You are alive and that is a good start to have and the rest is easy, it just takes a long time and a lot of work. You can do it, really you can. Just remember to give yourself the credit you deserve and a break once in a while you deserve it.

Thoughts

When we are in the abusive relationship we tend to think about what is going to happen next. Our thoughts are not positive by any means and we are always worried that the abuser is going to explode in the next moment. We do everything we can to keep the abuser from exploding on us or the rest of the family.

When we leave the abusive relationship we need to begin to change the way we think. The abuser is no longer the center of our universe, we are. That is something that at first can be terrifying at times. Yet it is something that we need to learn to do. We need to learn to think of positive things about ourselves. That is important because if we are not thinking positive about ourselves who will?

OH oh

When we step out of an abusive relationship we promise ourselves that it will never happen again. Yet it can and does happen to us over and over. Why? Because we live the life of a victim and attract people into our lives that are looking for a victim. So we keep attracting the same type of people that we left.

When we walk away from an abusive relationship we also need to walk away from the mentality that has brought us there in the first place. We are not victims and we do not deserve to be treated by anyone, including ourselves as victims. When we stop acting like a victim and stop looking at ourselves as victims we stop being a victim.

That opens the door to a whole new list of possibilities that we never thought possible. It does not mean it will be easy and in fact it will be very hard, at first. This is because we are going to be experiencing things we have never experienced before and we will not know how to handle it. It will come with time, just have faith in yourself and in God to be looking out for you as he always has.

Small Steps

We get in a hurry at times when we have small victories. We want to have more and more victories and we forget how hard we worked to get those small victories. No victory ever came easy and being able to achieve a good and lasting result will take time. This is certainly true when dealing with children and it also very easy to forget when they are having their attitudes.

They say things that cut to the core and hurt very much. Yet, we have to be able to find the strength to carry on and not let them see you cry. You have to deal with the pain they cause and still be able to move forward with what you need to do. This can be very challenging at times and I am also sure the results are worth the efforts.

Begin Anew

We begin each day anew and full of potential. We chose how our day is going to go and that is as much power as we could possibly ask for. If we choose to have a good day no matter what happens than nothing can change that.

If we faulter we can start again to have a good day. We have the power to start our day over as many times as we need to in order to have a good day. That is up to us and no one can take that away from us. We build one good hour on top of another and before you know it you had a good day, week, month and even year. They all just build on each other and with each good moment we build on it puts the painful past that much farther behind us.

Choices Made

When I was a child I was abused and that was the norm of the day, ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ was the mindset, then. When I grew up I was told that because I was abused I would be destined to abuse others. It was my destiny and there was nothing I could do about it.

I understood something that they apparently did not, that I have a choice in all of this. I do not have to be an abuser if I choose not to be one. I could look at the shortcoming of my family and live up to them or I could choose to use what they did as an example of what not to be.

I chose to use their actions as an example of what not to be and I am better for having made that choice. I also chose to be in the relationships that I was in because I thought I could save them from themselves. I could not save them, I could only save myself and I had to learn how to do that on my own.

Morning Calm

Since leveling all the abusive relationships behind I have come to enjoy one of life great pleasures, the morning calm. I take time for myself and relax. I allow myself to slide into the day and not dive headlong into it. I watch the kids stir and rise slowly. There is no tension and no anxiety and no fear.

Every morning is not like this by any means and I have learned to enjoy them for all they have to offer when they do happen. They are possible now only because the abusive people are gone and the rest can feel safe and are able to relax. Your day is coming, have faith and believe in yourself to do the right things to get you there.

The Simple Things

One of the things that I remember most about being in an abusive relationship was how much I missed out on. It seemed like all my efforts were focused on those that were abusing me and trying to get them to stop. Every moment of every day had the abuser at the center and I was trying to control the outcome.

Now my life is different and I am seeing just how much I have really missed because I am able to enjoy them now for the first time. The little things that you hear everyone else talking about and taking for granted. Things that others take for granted bring tears to my eyes. The first time my kids laughed out loud without being afraid of getting into trouble.

My kids playing and running around the house. The music being turned up too loud. Things that others take for granted or find annoying were pure joy for me. I find far more joy in the little things now than I ever thought possible.

More Holidays

Here comes Christmas and we have just left the abuser and we are worried there will be nothing under tree for the kids. Our self-esteem is so low that we could shovel the sidewalk with it. Time to be grateful for everything you have. Sounds crazy don’t it?

We are away from the abuser and both you and the kids are in a safe place. There are two things to be very grateful for. Trust and faith to take a few small steps and there will be gifts for the children. Trust and faith in the people that are keeping you safe right now. Gratitude for them being there to look out for you and to protect you from those that would harm you.

God, will provide you with all you need this day and every day. All you need to do is ask and it will be given. It may not be the way you want it but it will be the thing you need to get you to the next step in your journey. A journey to a better life that you and your children will be safe in.