That is a word that used to strike fear in my heart. Chaos meant not knowing what I was coming home to. Was I in trouble for something I did or did not do? It was always the luck of the draw and all I could do was hope and pray she would be in a good mood. In the three abusive marriages there were different ways of ating out. Some were emotionally abusive while others were physically abusive. The fear and the chaos was a constant in all of the marriages.
In one she cheated on me with everyone I knew and brought drugs into our house with our children present. In another she would go into screaming fits because some woman on TV was dressed in a 'slutty' manor. Yet another always threatened to have my kids taken from me if I did not do what she wanted me to do. There was always the fear of coming home and what I was going to walk into that evening.
Today there is still chaos in my life but it is a far different kind of chaos. It is potty training a puppy or picking up the toys the kids didn't. Today it is trying to schedule all the activities for a house full of people and trying to keep it all straight. Today it is trying to figure out what to make for dinner that does not include macaroni and cheese. Today chaos isa good thing and not something to fear.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Something Funny Happened
I spent most of my life being told that I would never amount to anything and that I was no good. It would be drilled into me day and night for years till I believed it and than I would spend the rest of my life trying to unlearn what I had been taught so long ago. I have been feeling good about the things I have been doing because I have been actually doing things that are making a positive difference in the lives of others.
These are the kinds of things that leave you feeling good at the end of the day. You know someone benefited from what you did and you may never know who they are or how they benefited, you just know they did. After all it seems to me that we all go through life wanting to leave this world a better place because we were here. Yet today someone case doubts on my abilities and I found myself flushed with feelings of self-doubt and fear.
I doubted my ability to do what I set out to do and fear that I would fail in what I was doing. It has been two years since the abuse finally came to an end in my life and I am still surprised everyday by how much and how quickly it can sneak in. The abuse started when I was 5 and did not finally come to an end until I was 43. A lifetime of being hurt and yet a lifetime to learn to not hurt others. They say that if you have been abused you are likely to abuse.
I am sure they have numbers that will prove that. They also have numbers that prove I was not abused because men don’t get abused. I know that from my own life I can say without a doubt that men get abused. If they don’t then what have I experienced during my life. Should I deny what happened to me simply to make someone else feel better about his or her numbers. No, because if I do I allow someone else to abuse me again by expecting me to deny the events of my life as some how being an illusion that lasted almost 40 years. Take care and God Bless.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
These are the kinds of things that leave you feeling good at the end of the day. You know someone benefited from what you did and you may never know who they are or how they benefited, you just know they did. After all it seems to me that we all go through life wanting to leave this world a better place because we were here. Yet today someone case doubts on my abilities and I found myself flushed with feelings of self-doubt and fear.
I doubted my ability to do what I set out to do and fear that I would fail in what I was doing. It has been two years since the abuse finally came to an end in my life and I am still surprised everyday by how much and how quickly it can sneak in. The abuse started when I was 5 and did not finally come to an end until I was 43. A lifetime of being hurt and yet a lifetime to learn to not hurt others. They say that if you have been abused you are likely to abuse.
I am sure they have numbers that will prove that. They also have numbers that prove I was not abused because men don’t get abused. I know that from my own life I can say without a doubt that men get abused. If they don’t then what have I experienced during my life. Should I deny what happened to me simply to make someone else feel better about his or her numbers. No, because if I do I allow someone else to abuse me again by expecting me to deny the events of my life as some how being an illusion that lasted almost 40 years. Take care and God Bless.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Disappointment
Disappointment is something that most people have a hard time dealing with. Yet when you have gone through the abuse and come to the other side, disappointment seems all that much heavier. You feel like everyone is just waiting to launch on you when you fall short. Than when you do fall short it is so easy to feel that you let everyone down or just plain failed.
Minor set backs seem to become major deals because we are more sensitive to them. After all we have been called failures for so long that we internalize it and make it real. So each set back no matter how minor it seems to others is a major deal to us. There are no easy ways around this and it is something that I have been dealing with for so very long. It is something that has been a major source of frustration for me.
A lot of the time I feel very confident about what I am doing and my place in the world. Yet when a seemingly minor set back occurs it becomes larger than life and suddenly I’m back being scolded by the people that abused me. I am not sure if that will ever go away or if it will at least diminish with time. I can only turn it over to God when does happen and turn to my support system to have my spirits raised. Than I am ready to take on the world again and hopefully I will be stronger the next time.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Minor set backs seem to become major deals because we are more sensitive to them. After all we have been called failures for so long that we internalize it and make it real. So each set back no matter how minor it seems to others is a major deal to us. There are no easy ways around this and it is something that I have been dealing with for so very long. It is something that has been a major source of frustration for me.
A lot of the time I feel very confident about what I am doing and my place in the world. Yet when a seemingly minor set back occurs it becomes larger than life and suddenly I’m back being scolded by the people that abused me. I am not sure if that will ever go away or if it will at least diminish with time. I can only turn it over to God when does happen and turn to my support system to have my spirits raised. Than I am ready to take on the world again and hopefully I will be stronger the next time.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Monday, October 23, 2006
Perceptions
Perceptions are something that is very interesting and often times very bizarre. People think they know what abuse looks like and what abuse is. They try to pigeon whole the abusers and the abused and that to be honest is for their own comfort. That is because if they can put us into a neat little box it will be easier for them to deal with us.
They believe that men do not get abused at all or if we do that either we deserved it or that it is not that bad. Abuse is abuse and it does not matter whether the victim is a male or female young or old. Abuse is simply wrong and should not be acceptable for any reason by anyone, period. We try desperately every day to get a grip on abuse and the role that it played in out lives and most days it is very hard to do.
What is certain is that it was someone else controlling us by his or her actions and words that caused fear within us at the deepest levels. It does not matter what size the abuser or the abused are what does matter is the degree of fear that we come to live with. The fear that imprisons us within our homes and our minds. The fear that keeps us from having a life that was meant for us, one of happiness and joy.
Fear is the abusers weapon of choice to control us at every turn. We do not call someone out of fear. We do not wear something out of fear. We do not say something out of fear. Just because the abuser is gone does not mean that that fear will also be gone. That fear will continue to have a tight grip on us for as long as we allow it to. And while it may sound easy to say, ‘let go of the fear’ it will be the hardest thing you will every do. When you do you begin to see things that you never saw before, within yourself and in others.
So long as we hold onto the fear that has trapped us for so long the stereotypes about abuse will be true and we are justified in our beliefs. When the fear begins to leave us we can see with new eyes things we could never see before. We can see the abuse in others no matter what the gender of the abuser. We can begin to see the good and the strength that exists within ourselves. When we can finally begin to see the good that exits within us we begin the long road to healing and the long walk away from the fog of abuse that has clouded our vision for far too long.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
They believe that men do not get abused at all or if we do that either we deserved it or that it is not that bad. Abuse is abuse and it does not matter whether the victim is a male or female young or old. Abuse is simply wrong and should not be acceptable for any reason by anyone, period. We try desperately every day to get a grip on abuse and the role that it played in out lives and most days it is very hard to do.
What is certain is that it was someone else controlling us by his or her actions and words that caused fear within us at the deepest levels. It does not matter what size the abuser or the abused are what does matter is the degree of fear that we come to live with. The fear that imprisons us within our homes and our minds. The fear that keeps us from having a life that was meant for us, one of happiness and joy.
Fear is the abusers weapon of choice to control us at every turn. We do not call someone out of fear. We do not wear something out of fear. We do not say something out of fear. Just because the abuser is gone does not mean that that fear will also be gone. That fear will continue to have a tight grip on us for as long as we allow it to. And while it may sound easy to say, ‘let go of the fear’ it will be the hardest thing you will every do. When you do you begin to see things that you never saw before, within yourself and in others.
So long as we hold onto the fear that has trapped us for so long the stereotypes about abuse will be true and we are justified in our beliefs. When the fear begins to leave us we can see with new eyes things we could never see before. We can see the abuse in others no matter what the gender of the abuser. We can begin to see the good and the strength that exists within ourselves. When we can finally begin to see the good that exits within us we begin the long road to healing and the long walk away from the fog of abuse that has clouded our vision for far too long.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Colors
It seems that no matter what we do and think our lives are colored by the events of the past. We know what happened to us and yet it seems so much of the time to be nothing more than an old black and white movie. Sometimes it is an old silent movie at that. The visions that haunt us are old, cold and meaningless or at least that is what we keep telling ourselves when they keep us awake at night.
When we take the time to color the images and hear the sounds of the past for what they are we can begin to hear in the present. We can see ourselves as the vulnerable child or adult that was hurt so much. We can see what we did and take ownership of our actions and understand that we did what we could do at that time. The important thing for us is the ability to forgive ourselves for the events of the past.
In being able to forgive ourselves and learn from the visions of the past, we add color to them. The color brings them to life and makes them real because the reality is that the events of the past are real. The reality is that we can learn from the events of the past. In learning from the past we can help prevent the events of the future from turning into th events of the past.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
When we take the time to color the images and hear the sounds of the past for what they are we can begin to hear in the present. We can see ourselves as the vulnerable child or adult that was hurt so much. We can see what we did and take ownership of our actions and understand that we did what we could do at that time. The important thing for us is the ability to forgive ourselves for the events of the past.
In being able to forgive ourselves and learn from the visions of the past, we add color to them. The color brings them to life and makes them real because the reality is that the events of the past are real. The reality is that we can learn from the events of the past. In learning from the past we can help prevent the events of the future from turning into th events of the past.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Dealing
There is two things that are for sure in all this abuse recovery stuff. You will recover and you will be dealing with it for the rest of your life. It is one thing to leave the abusive relationship and the funny thing is that it will always find ways to sneak back into your life, especially if there are children involved.
The abuser will find ways to manipulate you or the kids in an attempt to make your life a living hell. You can find all kinds of creative ways to hide from them but the best thing to do is to deal with it. That will mean getting professional psychological help for yourself and your children if you have children. The times when the abuser starts up their games is when things are going well for you or your kids.
The abuser needs to believe that you cannot make it or amount to anything without them. The fact that you are making it and you are doing well will just make them mad. They will try to take the focus off of what you or your children are doing and bring it onto them. That way it become a conversation about them and the problems they are having and not about the promotion, or the A+ your kid got on a test.
This is the day to day type of things that the survivor of an abusive relationship has to deal with. The important thing is that you deal with it. The fact that you’re not in the same house any longer does make this much easier. You can hang up the phone. You can say something like, “there someone at the door I’ll talk to you later’. Then let go of what they did just then and simply go about the rest of the day. Celebrate the good news with people in your life that do care and support you and what you are doing.
The key comes from letting go of the anger and the pain that resurfaces every time they play the old game. If you do not have kids together than you have no reason to have contact with the abuser and should not be calling them in the first place. If you have kids than you will be dealing with the abuser the rest of your life. How you choose to do that is up to you. My recommendation is to let go of what they do and go about your life. Both you and your children will benefit from that and the abuser will no longer ne the center of your life.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
The abuser will find ways to manipulate you or the kids in an attempt to make your life a living hell. You can find all kinds of creative ways to hide from them but the best thing to do is to deal with it. That will mean getting professional psychological help for yourself and your children if you have children. The times when the abuser starts up their games is when things are going well for you or your kids.
The abuser needs to believe that you cannot make it or amount to anything without them. The fact that you are making it and you are doing well will just make them mad. They will try to take the focus off of what you or your children are doing and bring it onto them. That way it become a conversation about them and the problems they are having and not about the promotion, or the A+ your kid got on a test.
This is the day to day type of things that the survivor of an abusive relationship has to deal with. The important thing is that you deal with it. The fact that you’re not in the same house any longer does make this much easier. You can hang up the phone. You can say something like, “there someone at the door I’ll talk to you later’. Then let go of what they did just then and simply go about the rest of the day. Celebrate the good news with people in your life that do care and support you and what you are doing.
The key comes from letting go of the anger and the pain that resurfaces every time they play the old game. If you do not have kids together than you have no reason to have contact with the abuser and should not be calling them in the first place. If you have kids than you will be dealing with the abuser the rest of your life. How you choose to do that is up to you. My recommendation is to let go of what they do and go about your life. Both you and your children will benefit from that and the abuser will no longer ne the center of your life.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Building Blocks
When we were young boys, chances are someone gave us a set of building blocks. Little did we know that what we were being given was a lesson on life. That simple lesson is that everything we do and experiance is abuilding block of our lives. It is up to us now as it was then, what we choose to build with those blocks.
I believe that something good comes out of everything no matter how bad or painful it feels at the time. My mother would beat me with anything she could get her hands on, painful certainly. What I have learned from it was that, I did not want to do that to my children. It took a lot of effort to learn new behaviors but I was able to do it.
I still get made or angry when my kids go against the rules. Yet, I have chosen to rely on other methods of dealing with my kids that did not include violence. I have had to learn to be the parent that I wish I had had. It is a lot of hard work and it is something that will never end. The reason is because our parents did a stellar job of teaching us what bad parents were.
They do not become the excuse we use to repeat what they did but rather the reason why we do things differently.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
I believe that something good comes out of everything no matter how bad or painful it feels at the time. My mother would beat me with anything she could get her hands on, painful certainly. What I have learned from it was that, I did not want to do that to my children. It took a lot of effort to learn new behaviors but I was able to do it.
I still get made or angry when my kids go against the rules. Yet, I have chosen to rely on other methods of dealing with my kids that did not include violence. I have had to learn to be the parent that I wish I had had. It is a lot of hard work and it is something that will never end. The reason is because our parents did a stellar job of teaching us what bad parents were.
They do not become the excuse we use to repeat what they did but rather the reason why we do things differently.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Choices
In life we are faced with many choices and few will have the impact on our lives as when someone decides to become abusive. It seems so natural for someone to go from being abused to being the abuser. They say that if you are abused as a child you will be more likely to abuse. That may be true not because you are a prisioner to your past but rather because it just feels normal.
The fact is that we do have a choice to make along the way and it can be the hardest choice we will ever make. The choice is do we continue on with what has been our past? Do we look at those that have abused us as a lesson in what we do not want to be and decide to do things differently? Do we believe that we cannot change what we will be and become as powerless and we think we are?
The harder the choice is the more important it is that we actually make it. This choice, 'to abuse or not to abuse' is not a once in a life time choice that we make. Rather it is one that we have to make on a daily basis until it becomes second nature. Our lives and the lives of those we love depend on the choice we make each day. To become abuse because we were abused by another is no reason to become abusive. In fact there is no acceptable reason to become abusive.
As men we are just as likely to be abused and I believe more likely to be abused. I say this because we see examples of men being abused everyday in all forms of media and no one gives it a second thought. No one sees it as being abusive, they see it as being a normal part of life. Most will react saying, 'he must have done something to deserve that'. It has been acceptable to abuse men because they deserve it. We do not deserve to be abused and in fact no one does for any reason. As men we need to have our voices heard and our pain seen for what it is. Abusing a boy does not make him tougher it just hurts.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
The fact is that we do have a choice to make along the way and it can be the hardest choice we will ever make. The choice is do we continue on with what has been our past? Do we look at those that have abused us as a lesson in what we do not want to be and decide to do things differently? Do we believe that we cannot change what we will be and become as powerless and we think we are?
The harder the choice is the more important it is that we actually make it. This choice, 'to abuse or not to abuse' is not a once in a life time choice that we make. Rather it is one that we have to make on a daily basis until it becomes second nature. Our lives and the lives of those we love depend on the choice we make each day. To become abuse because we were abused by another is no reason to become abusive. In fact there is no acceptable reason to become abusive.
As men we are just as likely to be abused and I believe more likely to be abused. I say this because we see examples of men being abused everyday in all forms of media and no one gives it a second thought. No one sees it as being abusive, they see it as being a normal part of life. Most will react saying, 'he must have done something to deserve that'. It has been acceptable to abuse men because they deserve it. We do not deserve to be abused and in fact no one does for any reason. As men we need to have our voices heard and our pain seen for what it is. Abusing a boy does not make him tougher it just hurts.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Monday, October 09, 2006
Stepping up
It is funny that no matter how far you are from the abuser and how much time has past, if they can get a dig in they will. I have children with my first abusive wife and she never really did do anything with her life. For the most part she is right were she was all those years ago.
Though it seems that every time something goes well for my children or myself she feels the need to step in and stir up the waters. What has changed is the amount of time she is allowed to do that and how I have chosen to react to it. The abuser feels a need to have control over their victim. If she can get me angry, hurt or scared she accomplishes all she wants and needs to.
If she cannot get to me I can be assured that she will go upset the kids and turn their lives upside down. Or she will go after the special person in my life. All in attempt to hurt me and to control my reactions to the events of the day. To get me wrapped up in her stuff and to get me to forget about the good that is happening in my life. Today I do not allow her to have her victories and I celebrate the good things that are happening in my life. The special people, the kids and my career. Today I choose not to give the abuser control over my life and my feelings.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Though it seems that every time something goes well for my children or myself she feels the need to step in and stir up the waters. What has changed is the amount of time she is allowed to do that and how I have chosen to react to it. The abuser feels a need to have control over their victim. If she can get me angry, hurt or scared she accomplishes all she wants and needs to.
If she cannot get to me I can be assured that she will go upset the kids and turn their lives upside down. Or she will go after the special person in my life. All in attempt to hurt me and to control my reactions to the events of the day. To get me wrapped up in her stuff and to get me to forget about the good that is happening in my life. Today I do not allow her to have her victories and I celebrate the good things that are happening in my life. The special people, the kids and my career. Today I choose not to give the abuser control over my life and my feelings.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Stories of Hope
Being a man has always carried certain protections in life. Yet it was no protection from some of the nightmares I have faced over the years. It did not protect me from being molested as a child. It did not protect me from being raped or abused by the women in my life. It did not protect me from the drug addiction and self abuse that would dominate my life for many years.
Being a man meant that I would not be allowed to face the trauma that I was living. Being a man meant living in the shadows of all those that could get help because they were the right gender. I have no anger towards women in any way, shape or form. What I feel is sad for the ones that have to hold onto their pain as if it were a sheild to protect them. There is no protection from the pain and the shame you feel being a victim of rape, abuse and addiction.
I have begun developing a program to help men recover from abuse and I have had some luck with it so far. It is not about taking anything away from women that have been abused but bonding with them and working with them to bring an end to abuse in general. If we allow ourselves to continue to believe that being a man protects you or us from beign abused we will continue to be abused.
If women allow themselves to continue to believe that men cannot be abused than they will only fool themselves and allow abuse to continue. There should be no safe place for abuse to thrive and no group that is allowed to be abused. I have made it out of the trap of abuse and addiction and will share my story with everyone that wants to hear it. In hopes that no matter who you are you will find hope for a life after the abuse has ended. It has been a lot of hard work to get to this point but it has been very much worth all the work.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
Being a man meant that I would not be allowed to face the trauma that I was living. Being a man meant living in the shadows of all those that could get help because they were the right gender. I have no anger towards women in any way, shape or form. What I feel is sad for the ones that have to hold onto their pain as if it were a sheild to protect them. There is no protection from the pain and the shame you feel being a victim of rape, abuse and addiction.
I have begun developing a program to help men recover from abuse and I have had some luck with it so far. It is not about taking anything away from women that have been abused but bonding with them and working with them to bring an end to abuse in general. If we allow ourselves to continue to believe that being a man protects you or us from beign abused we will continue to be abused.
If women allow themselves to continue to believe that men cannot be abused than they will only fool themselves and allow abuse to continue. There should be no safe place for abuse to thrive and no group that is allowed to be abused. I have made it out of the trap of abuse and addiction and will share my story with everyone that wants to hear it. In hopes that no matter who you are you will find hope for a life after the abuse has ended. It has been a lot of hard work to get to this point but it has been very much worth all the work.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
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