One of the things that I thought would happen after I left the abuser was that my life would get so much better. After all with all I had been through could it really get any worse and naturally the answer was, yes. The fact that things did get worse caused me to question my abilities and whether I had done the right thing or not.
Was it really her that caused so many of the problems I was experiencing or was she right and I was just that bad? The reality was that the truth lied some where in the middle and I would have to find that truth for myself. It was a dark journey of self doubt and self loathing and finally I would begin to see the light of day. I would have to learn to trust myself and that would not be easy. After all trusting myself is what got me into this problem in the first place.
At least that is what I told myself when I was beginning my journey of recovery from the abuse. The reality was once again different from my perception. The reality was that I knew I was getting into an abusive relationship and that it was a bad idea, I did not listen to myself and I wish I had. That has helped me to begin to trust my own judgement and at times it is still hard. You make a choice and you feel sure about how it will turn out and when it does not turn out that way you begin to doubt yourself, again. It does get better with time.
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