Having been put down for so long and not having any sense of self worth the first steps in recovery were the hardest to take. The first steps being, deciding that I did not need to live this way. The idea that I deserved better was not even there yet. I just knew that the pain and the fear needed to end one way or another.
After the first abusive wife I tried to kill myself to end the pain and fortunately I was not successful in my efforts. Yet I did not learn enough from that abusive relationship or the next two after that. The fourth abusive relationship (3rd wife) as the straw that broke the camels back as it were. I had found my bottom and was ready to begin the long journey to a better life.
It was at that point that I entered the proving grounds. This is a shapeless expanse of time in which I begin to prove to myself that I am. Walking away from the abuse and the abuser is so hard and requires a great deal of strength and courage. Give yourself credit for having taken that step. Just reading on how to recover from the abuse in and of itself is a huge step.
We all have our points when we are ready to start a new and begin the building process. I never knew what life was like without being abused by someone. So it meant walking away from everything I knew and believed to be true and most importantly real.
Entering the proving grounds meant proving everything to myself. It did not matter what anyone said to me, I needed to prove to myself that what I was being told was real. The world I was leaving was so very different from the one I was entering that it seemed the rules of physics had changed.
I was entering a world in which I had no references to draw from. A world, in which abuse is not a way of life, a world in which love and kindness was what people strived for. A world where I had an opinion and people asked what I thought. The proving grounds proved that I was a real person and I really mattered. In the end, the only one I had anything to prove to was myself and I did.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com
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