Our Children

As a parent our first instinct is to protect our children from all that can harm them. In my case I felt for a long time that I had failed them in that regard. I let their mother have them and they ended up being abused and it was very hard to live with. Then for a long time the very relationships I found myself getting into also became abusive. My kids learned what it was like to see both their parents get abused over time.

They learned without realizing it that abuse is a way of life and the many different ways to be abusive and controlling. My job now is to help them unlearn what they have learned by watching what has been happening. It is a hard thing to do because they do not understand what is going on. For so long all they saw was the hitting, hating and the put-downs. All the usual things we associate with abuse and now we announce that it is wrong to do what we allowed others to do.

It has been hard to teach my kids that abuse is wrong and I have had to deal with it every day. Slowly and at time painfully slowly they have learned that abuse is wrong. There are two things that we can do to help make it easier on them and us. One is to be consistent with what your saying and the actions you choose to back up what you are saying.

Two by the relationships with people that we bring around our children. If we choose to have healthy relationships they will see that just as much as they saw our unhealthy relationships. I am not suggesting running out and getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. What I am saying is that any relationship we have around the children, be it friends, family or a significant other needs to be a healthy one.

By healthy I mean one that demonstrates love, respect and consideration for others. Positive relationships that everyone benefits around. Not the one were we sit around complaining about the abusive person that is no longer there. If the abusive person was the child’s other parent than talking badly about around the child will hurt the child. They have been hurt enough already and we do not need to add to that trauma by venting around them.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com