The Holidays

The holidays are coming, rings a sense of fear into the hearts of almost anyone. It strikes terror into the hearts of others, especially those that have been victims of abuse. This is in part because the holidays are always filled with stress and can be very nerve racking under the best of conditions.

I always found that I was terrified of what would happen if thing were not just so. What was she going to do to me if the meal was not perfect or the house was not perfect. Would one of my family members make an issue about something she had done? By the time everyone would leave and the holiday would be over I would be ready to collapse from complete exhaustion.

That first set of holidays without the abuser in my home brought no relief. I was still in fear of reprisals and had an order for protection against her. I liked to put up decorations in the yard and could not do it because I was afraid she would steal them or destroy them. I still felt very much like a prisoner in my own home, unable to go holiday shopping because of I was afraid of running into her.

I sent the kids to their mothers for the holiday for their own safety. She was the first abusive wife but the kids were older now and had a safety plan incase something happened. Things were still too volatile here and I did not want them getting hurt if my current wife would come back and try something.

I stayed at home for the holidays and went no where. It was just my animals and myself and as much as I was alone, the funny thing was I did not feel alone. I ended up enjoying myself and feeling good about what had been going on. As much as I had been scared of reprisals I was still feeling very good about having walked away from the abuse.

I was doing something for myself and for my children, I was making our lives better. I realized in the silence that I had begun to heal from the damage that had been done. I still had a long way to go and I still did not realize that most people had not gone through what I had. It would be almost a year before that realization would come about.im-breaking-free.blogspot.com